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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Down Time
Posted by: Don, March 9th, 2016, 6:22pm
Down Time by Richard Brown - Comedy, Drama - Curtis Rooks returns home after a four stint in the Army and finds new luck but must overcome dirty cops and a ruthless Mob boss in order to solve a friendís murder. 117 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: cloroxmartini, March 11th, 2016, 6:44am; Reply: 1
I think the hook could come a lot sooner if you cleaned up the writing; very cluttered what with camera shots and cuts and all. I might be inclined to ditch your opening stuff and go right to the caddie. Shoot for 5 pages to the WF alarm
Posted by: NW3, March 11th, 2016, 11:23am; Reply: 2
There might be lighter moments but it's not a comedy - surely that's not 'hilarity' when the guys are threatened with a knife? This should be in Drama or even Thrillers

If the writer is around I have notes, you can send me a PM if you want.
Posted by: cloroxmartini, March 11th, 2016, 2:08pm; Reply: 3

Quoted from NW3
There might be lighter moments but it's not a comedy - surely that's not 'hilarity' when the guys are threatened with a knife? This should be in Drama or even Thrillers


Ditto, plumb forgot about the comedy part...not

Posted by: RichardB, March 28th, 2016, 7:30pm; Reply: 4
Thank you for the post. I am deeply grateful to hear back from you. Yes I agree that its not comedy though I was pleased with the light-hearted moments. Its a thriller by any definition with some amusing characters. Tada provides most of any humor through his unorthodox, spontaneous demeanor and I also enjoyed Dayton's darker side, playing mumblety-peg between the bad guy's legs. Picture the actor Ray Winston, knocked out laying on the floor,legs spread while Dayton throws a knife over and over again, sticking it ever so close to Ray's crotch then oops, he sticks Ray in the thigh. Big surprise, Ray was awake the whole time; heard everything Rooks and Dayton had to say and from the look on Rays face, we don't know whether Rays going to cry or spit bullets but we know its not going to be good.
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