Presidential Vacation by Chris Thomas - Series, Comedy - Selina’s mother-daughter vacation is ruined when accusations of racism forces her to host an NAACP celebration. Persistent data breach rumors have Jonah and Richard spending a little too much time with children according to Leon West. A canine related accident puts Mike in the hot seat, and searching for help from Dan. 49 pages - pdf, format 8)

Cactus fella,

Had a quick look. I'll look some more when time allows.

Your copyright thing should be on your title page rather than where it is. You have to be careful with stuff like that as there are some who seem to read scripts in order to point out with smugness anything they don't like.

They then declare how they are going now and can't possibly read further. Must be off to sort out the UN or perform heart surgery.

I am no longer welcome at the UN or indeed the hospital, so I will read on.

What's the D1 in brackets after your first header? The smug ones would now be firmly out. But then they're out more than those other smug types on Dragon's Den. Insert your own cultural reference there if you're unfamiliar with UK TV's Dragon's Den. Besides, you're not missing much, it's rubbish.

Your parentheticals seem be in the wrong spot. They're supposed to be in the middle.

Sorry for pointing all this stuff out, rather than doing the story. I could have phrased that better. Anyways, I'll get there.

Lost those (CONT"D)s after the character names, unless the dialogue goes over the page.

I'm not really sure who these characters are, so I've stopped after a few pages. I kinda recall the woman from Seinfeld is the VP, but the rest are a mystery to me. Was it Elaine in Seinfeld? I would look it up, but I can't be arsed at the mo.

From what I did read you have some interesting banter going.

I'll have to watch an episode or look these characters up. If I was any good I'd have thought about that before posting. Ho hum.

R

Just a couple formatting things to fix:

Delete the copyright information - having it on the page doesn't do anything. If it's copyrighted, it's copyrighted.

Delete the title of the script from every page - the title should only be on the cover page.

There should be a space between INT. and the scene heading. Also there should be spaces surrounding your dashes between the heading and the time.

D1 isn't a time - everything should be day or night. Morning / evening are acceptable, but don't get too fancy.

Characters like 'Dog Walker" that have significant dialogue should be given a name.

Instead of using a (parenthetical) to have a character cut someone off

Just end their dialogue with a double dash --

and start the next person's dialogue

-- with another double dash, continuing the sentence.