Wee Willie Winkie by Anthony Hudson - Short, Thriller - Based on the nursery rhyme. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

I'm not familiar with the nursery rhyme, so I checked it out after reading this.  

***Spoilers below***

I'm wondering why he'd knock on the window?  Was it just to keep in line with the nursery rhyme?  Because it seemed completely out of place.  

This was disturbing.  If I was a little kid, I'd be going to my bedroom window and making sure that damn thing was locked!  

Nolan

Spoilers




Okay, I gave this one a read since it was so short.
This was creepy and yes, very disturbing.
Nursery rhymes,  the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Alffy, I think the problem you have with this one is that if you are indeed using inspiration from the nursery rhyme/poem some things are a little out of date and don't translate well. Notably, the nightgown. Men don't wear them anymore, so that last line of description in particular, comes off as really creepy i.e., not in a ghost way but in a messing with children way. Get me?

Wiki tells me WWW is a character personification of sleep similar to the Sandman i.e., harmless, not malevolent - fairy dust and sweet dreams etc. I notice you have your genre as thriller, so...

Count me in as one who is a tad confused by this.

Anthony,

Disturbing little story. Clean writing. But I felt something was missing. I'm not sure exactly what. Maybe because its so short, but I feel a little rhyme or reason is needed. I find it interesting that the second house he went to the nightgown man actually played a part in saving a boy, if only for the moment. That led me to believe he was a do-gooder. It didn't prepare me for what he actually was. It might have had more effect if he'd exposed himself to the boy he helped rescue. Just felt this needs a little more.

Steve

Thanks for the reads guys, and girls.

Nolan, yeah he taps on the window to keep in line with the nursery rhyme.  Glad you found it disturbing.

Cindy, not seen you on the boards recently but it's good to hear from you.  Again, glad you found this disturbing, that was what I was going for. :)

Quoted from LC Alffy, I think the problem you have with this one is that if you are indeed using inspiration from the nursery rhyme/poem some things are a little out of date and don't translate well. Notably, the nightgown. Men don't wear them anymore, so that last line of description in particular, comes off as really creepy i.e., not in a ghost way but in a messing with children way. Get me? .

I get you.  I recently read some nursery rhymes and thought this one sounded pretty freaky, so kept true to it and wrote this.

Steven, I wanted it short and sweet (or not so sweet lol).  Anyway, cheers for your thoughts, bud.

Alffy,

I’m not sure that’s quite what William Miller had in mind…  

I don’t know -- if it wasn’t for the title (the ‘it’s past eight’ refrain didn’t resonate with me -- too long since I’ve heard the rhyme) I wouldn’t understand what you were going for.  I think if you’re going to subvert the original then perhaps make it more obvious.  How about having a parent reciting the nursery rhyme to her kid as William makes his way through the neighbourhood?  Juxtapose the light-hearted rhyme against William’s actions.  Give us more context -- for me the title’s really the only thing here to ground us.  Also that William would seemingly break up a domestic one moment only to go onto commit something far worse himself seems an odd choice to include.

A ‘different’ take on an old tale -- albeit a particularly dark one.

Steve

Alffy,

I ummed and ahhed about posting for quite a while, as when I first read it I didn't have much of anything positive to say. So I calmed down first and took my time.

I was out by a page and a half in, but I wasn't given a choice. It threw me out, like that bloke in the bakery the other day. It's not my fault his eclairs taste of sausages.

Your script is well written, and is certainly creepy enough. I was just expecting a bit more, as presently it seems more of an ad than a short. Quite what they're advertising, I'm not sure. Perhaps it's door locks. Or shotguns.

I've not read other comments yet, as I couldn't be arsed. I will though. The script reads like the start of something good.

R

Um, disturbing.

You had my attention the whole way. I was intrigued about who or what the guy was, but the ending could have used some work. It didn't pack enough punch. The big "reveal" was that he was a child molester but the story didn't take me anywhere. I'm all for shock value content, but the reveal simply wasn't big enough for me.

Steve, cheers for the read and totally get what you're saying. To be honest I wrote this with no intention of posting it, in fact it's been sat on my computer for about a year lol.  I just read the nursery rhyme and thought it was odd so scribbled this down.

Jean-Pierre, thanks for the read and sorry it fell a bit flat with you.  At least you said it was disturbing, which is what I was going for.

Quoted from rendevous Alffy, I ummed and ahhed about posting for quite a while, as when I first read it I didn't have much of anything positive to say. So I calmed down first and took my time. I was out by a page and a half in, but I wasn't given a choice. It threw me out, like that bloke in the bakery the other day. It's not my fault his eclairs taste of sausages. Your script is well written, and is certainly creepy enough. I was just expecting a bit more, as presently it seems more of an ad than a short. Quite what they're advertising, I'm not sure. Perhaps it's door locks. Or shotguns. I've not read other comments yet, as I couldn't be arsed. I will though. The script reads like the start of something good. R

This is the best worst review I've ever had, I want to print it out and frame it.  Had me in stitches :) lol

Anthony,

Some notes.

Eerie enough but could use some updating.  As it stands right now, WWW is more stalker than sandman.  And I don’t know which you’re working toward.  

And the last scene makes him look like a pedophile.  I’m not sure that’s what you want.  In any case, it works as far as it goes, and you might consider making it go further.

Best
Richard

Thanks for the read and thoughts, Richard

Wasn't expecting that. I'm not sure of the significance of he tapping the window of a neighbouring house. I know it's because he feels the kids should be in bed so he can more easily rape them, but why draw attention to himself?

You were going for disturbing and I'm quite disturbed. That's hard to do. It can often cross the line into disgust but you've kept it in the sweet spot.

Nice work... I think.

Quoted from alffy This is the best worst review I've ever had, I want to print it out and frame it.  Had me in stitches :) lol

As I said, I could eventually be arsed so, I read the other comments. Seems some thought different to me, like Apple. You may be onto something. Like Apple were. Sorry, I just watched Steve Jobs. The film I mean, not some bloke. It had Kate Winslet in it you see. The film again. This is getting tricky.

Anyway, being deemed the best worst review is probably the nicest thing anyone who isn't married to me has said for a while. Keep it up. The compliments I mean there. Not your erm, moving on...

Now, I'm off to watch Titanic again, with the sound down of course. I really don't like Celine Dion. She's a daft bint.

R

Well this was creepy and odd. You've got a haunting little scene here, but not much in the way of a pay-off. Maybe I'd get it more if I was familiar with the nursery rhyme. Not bad though. Got anything newer Anthony?

~Zack~

Hey up, Zack

I've not written anything in almost 9 months but keep telling myself to start again.  I have got a few shorts I keep meaning to post and a couple of features too.  Not much time to write at the moment, my 2 year old takes up too much time lol.

Thanks for the read, bud, and if there's anything you want/need reading just let me know.