Da Vinci by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A brilliant woman finds love when she slows down her brain. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Richard,

I like this. You did enough to make me want to continue reading right until the end. A few little niggles which I’ll get out the way first. I think you were doing a ‘Da Vinci’ and typing fast, as there’s a few mistakes. Just give the script a proof-read and a polish. A few examples.

The opening description is missing a word or two perhaps, “Small, a bed, bureau, and desk.”

There’s a hot, steamy sex scene under a full moon but the scene heading says it’s Troy’s Room. That boy has an interesting mural on his ceiling that’s for sure!

There’s also a scene where a poster seems to be important, but we never discover what is depicted on the poster or why.

Apart from this I thought this was quite an original take on a doomed relationship story. Brigid and Troy’s description is a bit basic and stereotypical but their characters are interesting and develop nicely, very naturally. Your portrayal of Brigid in particular is fascinating and well-researched. I could see this developing into a TV show where she’s paired up with a cop and helps solve crimes. It sounds like I’m being sarcastic there and I am trying to be a bit funny, but basically there’s a lot of potential in such a character going further.

I like the parallels and conflict. She both loves and hates her gift- loves that she can do these amazing things, but hates that it alienates her from normal people. She takes a pill to be normal and finds it too frustrating and restrictive. So she sacrifices her love and potential long term happiness to persue her intellect.    

The dialogue is good, very natural sounding – even the complex stuff, which is not easy to do without sounding like a computer. Your action is lean and yet effective in getting the actions across. You manage to cram a lot in 10 pages but I left at the end feeling like there could be more, or should be more and you’ve left me wanting just that, which is good!

I don’t think the title does justice to this story. It doesn’t reflect what it is about, nor does it draw the audience in. Sure, she has the Da Vinci nickname and refers to him a lot, maybe a tad too much, but anyone glancing through the script names may think this is a story about Da Vinci when it isn’t. Maybe The Da Vinci Complex, Da Vinci’s Curse, Legacy of Da Vinci…something like that?

A good effort though, worth pursuing and working more on for sure.  I hope my notes help.

-Mark

Man, I liked this. I thought it was really original.

I do agree with Mark on the title. It does not do the story justice. It should be something like The Curse of Da Vinci - or - Being Da Vinci.

My only other complaint - and I rarely have this one - is that it was too short. Please take that as a huge compliment. She is a compelling character and I wanted her struggle to be a little more nuanced and building. I wanted to see other conflicts she struggled with other than the one with Troy - little time for all of that in so few pages. Another way of saying that a better platform for this premise might be a feature or a series. This is a rock solid premise excellently executed for the most part and the fact that I wanted more tells me that - at least for me - there is more to be told. - Feature please.

Hi Richard,

You labeled this a drama, but I read it as a romantic comedy – and a good one. There's a lot of stuff people would find funny here, e.g. Brigid demonstrating her abilities to those astonished students or "evaluating" her psychiatrist's published papers ("three of which are irredeemably flawed" :) ). The very concept is comedic rather than dramatic, IMO.

Anyway, I agree with what Mark and David have said. The script is fine as it is, but the idea and the characters seem to have lots of potential. Here's a thought: What if Brigid had to regain her "powers" for a noble purpose? You know, not just in order to do again the stuff she used to, but because something serious happened (e.g. a crime, as Mark suggested) and her old self could be useful. That would allow you to develop the story further (yes, even into a feature).

Good job, though. One of your best scripts, IMO.

Manolis

Enjoyed the script and loved the concept. Dialogue was great as well.

Agree with title: how about Da Vinci's Ghost.


Best,

John Whetstone

Hey Richard,

This isn't normally my genre of choice, but I enjoyed it. Very smartly written with nice dialogue. This KINDA reminded me of "Whiplash" in a way, except that your Brigid character was a little bit more sympathetic. Less cold. But "Whiplash"'s protagonist had similar obsessions as your Brigid character and the same overall goal... to be great. Brigid looked to DaVinci as the Nieman character in "Whiplash" looked to jazz great, Charlie Parker. And both characters were willing to sacrifice love and relationships to pursue greatness.

The story was also well-written -- your style has a bit more prose than I prefer, but in this case, it contributed to the way you present your characters and create setting. Just one suggestion... a split end isn't really an existing position in American football anymore. They may exist in formations when "split out the end" away from the line of scrimmage. But it's really a position that used to exist in the Golden era of American football, last scene in probably the 1960's. I would use "tight end" or even "wide receiver". Even linebacker or running back. But I'm nitpicking...

I liked the way it ended too, suggesting that maybe one day Brigid will be able to find a happy medium and be able to "multi-task" between romance and being super smart. Or maybe not. That's what I got out of it.

As for the title, I would suggest maybe taking "DaVinci" out of the title completely and maybe titling the film after one of DaVinci's works -- something that has a parallel meaning to the story or something parallel to Brigid's struggle.

Anyway, nice work, Richard.

-- Michael

I loved this one.

The dialogue was so fluent and it flows freely and naturally, it floored me, I want to congratulate you on the flawless dialogue.

I also would like to congratulate you on Brigid, she was developed extremely well throughout the entirety of the short. It is a hard challenge to make a reader connect and care about a character in such little time, and you did it impeccably. All of the sudden I want to know more about Brigid.

I did not find a major flaw with this(nothing that hasn't been said by the other members anyway), it worked fine for me.

Nice work, Richard. I may have missed something of yours, but I think this is your best work yet. Smart, well researched and something a little different. Nice job.

Mark,
Thank you for the notes.  I’m glad that you like the story.  To be truthful, this is a distillation from a feature titled DUMBER.  I wondered if I could turn the essence into a short, and it seems that it passes muster.  

Eldave1,
Thank you for the read and review.  I have created this short from a feature-length version, so your wish for more of this character can be met.  Unfortunately, I have never posted the longer version.

Manolis,
Thank you for the read and the notes.  Indeed, in the feature that this short came from, Brigid does use her powers to right some wrongs and save the day.  So, I thank you much for the tip.

John,
I will look for a new title.  I tend to keep titles very short, but I appreciate the note.  Thanks much.

Michael,
Thanks for the read and the notes.  Your point about football parlance is well taken.  I’ll have to revise that.  You’re another reader with a problem with the title, so I’ll change that too.  Thanks again for the notes and the read.

Luis,
Thanks for the read and the notes.  I’m glad you liked it.  

Dustin,
Thanks for the read and the note.  This is one of my favs.  

Best
Richard

Not sure if this counts for anything, but I like the title.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not sure if this counts for anything, but I like the title.

There's always one radical element!