A Friend in the End by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A new friend gives an old lady cause to believe she is about to die, but then, they always think that, don't they. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dustin,

Simple and effective, my only hang-up would be that it felt a little too familiar.  I’d have been more surprised to find Frank did work there.  I did like that Gladys suspected who Frank was and why he was there.  His line ‘that’s as good as an invite as I need’ was a nice touch.  Think you could almost make more of that angle -- Gladys is nobody’s fool.  As it was it all felt a bit safe -- perhaps not what I’d have expected having read some of your previous scripts.  That said I could see this being the kind of idea that gets a decent amount of interest.  

p.4 -- not sure if you want us to actually see the disco as a separate location or just get a sense of Gladys’ reaction to the music?

Steve  

Quoted from stevemiles Dustin, Simple and effective, my only hang-up would be that it felt a little too familiar.  I’d have been more surprised to find Frank did work there.  I did like that Gladys suspected who Frank was and why he was there.  His line ‘that’s as good as an invite as I need’ was a nice touch.  Think you could almost make more of that angle -- Gladys is nobody’s fool.  As it was it all felt a bit safe -- perhaps not what I’d have expected having read some of your previous scripts.  That said I could see this being the kind of idea that gets a decent amount of interest.   p.4 -- not sure if you want us to actually see the disco as a separate location or just get a sense of Gladys’ reaction to the music? Steve

I wanted to write something with a hint of unease and this is what I came up with. I initially liked your idea of Frank being real, but I feel that would take the unease away completely. We're all uneasy about death and the older we get the more afraid we get. I tried to capture both ends in this story.

Regarding the mind's eye thing... if you see it as an image then it's an image. I don't believe in using tools unnecessarily as it takes something away from the read. I've used this technique a few times now and never had any issues aside from other writers. I understand why you're picking up on it. I just prefer to go the literal route whenever I can.

Thanks for reading and the pointers.

I really liked this one.

I really admire the writing style and upon finishing it really left me pondering. I can also admire a story were upon finshing it, you can go back and look at things in a different point of view; and you did that. I also really like your depiction of death, it was an original, yet satisfying route that left me uneasy.

Not sure if there was anything that bugged me - works for me.

Hi Dustin,

Initially, this comes off as a bittersweet drama: Death treats the old lady like a gentleman, trying to make her end of life as peaceful as possible. But then the disturbing twist comes: Not only does she know who he is, but she finds nothing comforting in all this. He thinks it's beautiful – she’s scared. So the "sweet" first half of the story is actually told from Death's POV, which I find very interesting and original.

I do think you could cut out the phone call scene and most of the dialogue in the end. Normally, Warren should have asked about Frank the very day his mother told him about him, no? Also, the old woman was clearly scared, so how could he believe she was just kidding? To me, the last scene could have been as short as this:

Quoted Text INT. GLADYS'S FLAT - BEDROOM – NIGHT Warren holds his Wife while looking down at Gladys, who lies in bed, quite dead. A matronly CARER (57), wearing a blue, all-in-one, dress uniform, stands next to them. CARER I think she went peacefully. Warren nods and, as he looks at Gladys at peace in bed, doubt's shadow creeps across his face. FADE OUT

Anyway, great job with this one. Well-written and, yes, uneasy in a honest but subtle way. Good luck with it!

Manolis

Hey, Dustin - solid effort - a good read. Perfect title.

Quoted Text WARREN Oh, Mom.

I thought a reaction from Warren (e.g., something akin to - he studies her for a moment - is this the first sign of dementia? - here would have better than the dialogue. She's telling him of this very compelling event that happened to her. "Oh Mom" just seemed more like a reaction to something less serious.  Maybe it's just me.

Quoted Text She closes her eyes and is transported, in her mind’s eye, to a disco. The hand of a strong man at her waist. They twirl, and he lets her go to spin freely.

I had the same reaction as other posters and I know that you wrote it this way on purpose.  It is an interesting approach and certainly a space saver (i.e., much shorter than would be required for the traditional approach). Not sure I would have gone that route - but I do think it works. I did see what you wanted me to see.

Quoted Text WARREN She, ah, mentioned a friend, Frank. I’d like to thank him for helping so much during her final few days.

I don't think Gladys ever mentions Frank's name to Warren. I don't know if that is an oversight on your part or if there are implied conversations we weren't part of.

Dustin,

Nice job here. I enjoyed the smooth way it was written. A good prose type style that didn't get in the way and was visual. You had me guessing in the beginning, and I don't know if it was your intention -- but I thought Gladys  might be suffering from Alzheimer's. Frank knew her tea, knew her music. Just figured he'd done it a hundred times but she just doesn't remember. So it was an effective reveal towards the end. Well done.

However, I felt that the end had an opportunity to end on a real zinger of a line as opposed to a look on Warren's face. Not sure what that would be, of course, but either way I liked this a bunch. Good job!

Steve

Quoted from LuisAnthony I really liked this one. I really admire the writing style and upon finishing it really left me pondering. I can also admire a story were upon finshing it, you can go back and look at things in a different point of view; and you did that. I also really like your depiction of death, it was an original, yet satisfying route that left me uneasy. Not sure if there was anything that bugged me - works for me.

Thanks for taking a look and I'm glad it had the desired effect.

Quoted from Athenian Hi Dustin, Initially, this comes off as a bittersweet drama: Death treats the old lady like a gentleman, trying to make her end of life as peaceful as possible. But then the disturbing twist comes: Not only does she know who he is, but she finds nothing comforting in all this. He thinks it's beautiful – she’s scared. So the "sweet" first half of the story is actually told from Death's POV, which I find very interesting and original.

Thanks.

Quoted Text I do think you could cut out the phone call scene and most of the dialogue in the end.

Yes, I agree.

Quoted Text Normally, Warren should have asked about Frank the very day his mother told him about him, no? Also, the old woman was clearly scared, so how could he believe she was just kidding?

I was inspired to write this short after visiting my nan once a week in a nursing home. She's terrified, but hides it well most of the time. I've tried to tease her fears out, but she always manages to push it to the back of her mind again. In those odd flashes though, I get to see the real fear. Her eyesight is going, her ears are going, she can't walk very far, needs help dressing, getting into the bath, etc, etc. So it's obvious she's afraid, but it's not something I would talk to the staff about. However, you still have a valid point.. it's not like I can tell every reader what I've just told you, so a workaround may be in order. Perhaps he gets an emergency call, maybe a pregnant wife. A new baby born, contrasting the death in the bed... I like it. Cheers.

Quoted Text Anyway, great job with this one. Well-written and, yes, uneasy in a honest but subtle way. Good luck with it! Manolis

Thanks, mate... much appreciated.

Dustin,

Some notes.

Nice job.  This one reads well.  There is something about old people that lets them recognize death, and you have captured it.  You might consider giving death a reason why he’s so gentle.  Something good about her.

There are places that I would edit, but those are personal things.  You’ve done a good job.  

Best
Richard

Quoted from eldave1 Hey, Dustin - solid effort - a good read. Perfect title. I thought a reaction from Warren (e.g., something akin to - he studies her for a moment - is this the first sign of dementia? - here would have better than the dialogue. She's telling him of this very compelling event that happened to her. "Oh Mom" just seemed more like a reaction to something less serious.  Maybe it's just me.

People, let alone old people, do and say the craziest things sometimes... I've never suspected dementia. If my Nan had said something like that to me, I'd suspect she'd fallen asleep and had a dream... but I wouldn't argue with her and say that. I'd let her believe whatever she wanted to.

As an example, my GF's granddad had a heart attack. Quite a bad one, but he survived. Afterwards, he wasn't quite himself and was actually diagnosed, by a doctor, as having the onset of dementia. Several months down the line and he's his old self again. No sign of dementia whatsoever. I think people are too quick to label things... also, because of that speed to label things, my Nan spent 6 weeks in a mental institution. She was just scared and wanted some attention. I knew that as soon as I saw her. Yet, trained doctors, preferred the ease of sticking her in an institution.

Quoted Text I don't think Gladys ever mentions Frank's name to Warren. I don't know if that is an oversight on your part or if there are implied conversations we weren't part of.

Yes, I assumed that it could easily have been a conversation that we simply weren't a party to... but if it jars, then perhaps I should do something about it.

Thanks for the read, mate.

Hey mate, loved this, very poignant and with ageing parents I felt very connected to it from the off.

Couple of picky bits that don't in anyway effect the read... If she's 87 would she imagine a disco in her minds eye? It's a more contemporary term... and if that's her flat and her radio would Frank need to tune it? As I said picky and doesn't effect the read.

Great effort, love to see this produced.  

Quoted from SAC Dustin, Nice job here. I enjoyed the smooth way it was written. A good prose type style that didn't get in the way and was visual. You had me guessing in the beginning, and I don't know if it was your intention -- but I thought Gladys  might be suffering from Alzheimer's. Frank knew her tea, knew her music. Just figured he'd done it a hundred times but she just doesn't remember. So it was an effective reveal towards the end. Well done.

Yes it was my intention for the true nature of the Frank character to be questionable, although not Alzheimer's, more an old lady's imaginings.

Quoted Text However, I felt that the end had an opportunity to end on a real zinger of a line as opposed to a look on Warren's face. Not sure what that would be, of course, but either way I liked this a bunch. Good job! Steve

Thanks mate, I'll consider that... but I do try to avoid zingers. Hopefully the tone of the script does enough to carry this without one.

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Hey mate, loved this, very poignant and with ageing parents I felt very connected to it from the off.

Hopefully many more feel the same way.

Quoted Text Couple of picky bits that don't in anyway effect the read... If she's 87 would she imagine a disco in her minds eye? It's a more contemporary term... and if that's her flat and her radio would Frank need to tune it? As I said picky and doesn't effect the read.

I struggled over the disco thing, but after researching I discovered that the first discotheque was opened in 1959, 57 years ago. She would only have been 30-ish... and then I thought that it doesn't really matter anyway, as you say, it shouldn't get in the way.

Quoted Text Great effort, love to see this produced.

Me too, mate. Thanks for the read.

Dustin, I've been meaning to read this for quite a while. Apologies for only getting around to it now.

This was nice. I've just finished reading a book that had death as a character, and in the eight pages you've got here, I feel you handled it better than that particular full length novel. Obviously death has been portrayed countless times in books and on film, but I feel it's often quite clumsy and downright cringey. Here, it's handled with care and the sweet old woman and Himself played off each other wonderfully. I was afraid she was going to be some old racist at the beginning.

So, yeah I like this. Just one question; when Frank arrives, why doesn't he take Gladys then. I like the moment they have. Was he there to give her one last golden moment before he took her? A kind, caring version of Death?

Nice one. Should be produced.

Glenn.

Quoted from IamGlenn Dustin, I've been meaning to read this for quite a while. Apologies for only getting around to it now.

No worries mate. You shouldn't feel obliged.

Quoted Text This was nice. I've just finished reading a book that had death as a character, and in the eight pages you've got here, I feel you handled it better than that particular full length novel. Obviously death has been portrayed countless times in books and on film, but I feel it's often quite clumsy and downright cringey. Here, it's handled with care and the sweet old woman and Himself played off each other wonderfully. I was afraid she was going to be some old racist at the beginning.

Glad you liked it.

Quoted Text So, yeah I like this. Just one question; when Frank arrives, why doesn't he take Gladys then. I like the moment they have. Was he there to give her one last golden moment before he took her? A kind, caring version of Death?

I like the idea of one's life flashing before their eyes before they die, like a final dalliance with death itself before we go. So it came from that and turned into this. In fact, that would make for a better title, if a little OTN... Dalliance with Death.

Quoted Text Nice one. Should be produced. Glenn.

Much appreciated. I've already knocked back one producer, and I have another (more experienced) one after it now that I'm still considering.

This has had quite a bit of interest, but the guys that made Evicted want to make this one too so I'm giving it to them as I can trust them to do a good job.

After reading two of your shorts in a row and seeing this happen again I imaging it is a style choice. One I don’t necessarily agree with, but hey, we don’t all have to agree.

I think this could be written more clearly. I feel it at least needs its own slug.

“She closes her eyes and is transported, in her mind’s eye,
to a disco. The hand of a strong man at her waist. They
twirl, and he lets her go to spin freely.”

I feel like this dialogue exposes something we did not see, and it would have been nice to be shown, in some way, instead of told. How did she see right through him? Feels like a bit of a leap. How does she know he only sees beauty in it other than the fact that she is telling us?

GLADYS
It means I’m close. He thought he
could pretend, but I saw through
him right away. To him, there is
only beauty in it, you see. But, to
me... I don’t want to... I don’t
want to die.

I think that pretty much everything that happens after the FADE OUT is unnecessary, we already know the twist. It seems like padding.

Well written as always.

Look forward to seeing the finished production, always great to see something made, and you have a lot lined up.

Excellent!

Nice Dustin, they did a good job on Evicted and should do the same here.

I actually just wrote something with Death as a character and tried to stay away from making him some pure evil force. The way you portrayed Frank was great, all charming and friendly and almost naive in the sense that he tries to turn the experience of passing away into this magical journey. But Gladys sees it for what is, that she's going to die, and it terrifies her. Really interesting stuff here. Look forward to seeing what you think of mine.

Quoted from Warren After reading two of your shorts in a row and seeing this happen again I imaging it is a style choice. One I don’t necessarily agree with, but hey, we don’t all have to agree.

None of us have to agree at all. Not like you're going to make my script, so your opinion is just an opinion. Funnily enough it's the same opinion a few other writers have... nobody else in the film industry cares though. What is unclear to you is perfectly clear to them because they aren't hampered by rules.

Quoted Text I think this could be written more clearly. I feel it at least needs its own slug. “She closes her eyes and is transported, in her mind’s eye, to a disco. The hand of a strong man at her waist. They twirl, and he lets her go to spin freely."

It's perfectly clear already. She closes her eyes, and then is transported (in her mind's eye) to a disco. Blah, blah, blah. Why does it need its own slug? She's in her own mind, a memory. Up to the director how he'd like to film that.

For what it's worth, I only go the literal route when the memory or flashback is just a few lines of action and I can make it clear. I know you think it isn't clear, but you're just a writer. Your opinion on this doesn't count for very much because it's a style choice. It doesn't compute properly in your brain, you have to arrive at my way of thinking and consider it logical, then you consider it OK to do, then you may even find yourself doing it... can't have that. Must resist. Must resist.

Quoted Text GLADYS It means I’m close. He thought he could pretend, but I saw through him right away. To him, there is only beauty in it, you see. But, to me... I don’t want to... I don’t want to die. I feel like this dialogue exposes something we did not see, and it would have been nice to be shown, in some way, instead of told. How did she see right through him? Feels like a bit of a leap.

That's what her son thought too. The wild imaginings of an old lady. It's what the reader should be questioning too at this point so thanks for noting this. If it's obvious all the way through then there wouldn't be the story that I wanted to tell.

Quoted Text How does she know he only sees beauty in it other than the fact that she is telling us?

She know, or we know? This is inferred by the Death character being a happy, carry-your-shopping, make-you-a-cup-of-tea kind of guy, rather than a skeleton that turns up and harvests your soul with a scythe. There are other nuances that I can't be bothered to go into.

Quoted Text I think that pretty much everything that happens after the FADE OUT is unnecessary, we already know the twist. It seems like padding.

Not sure what you mean by 'pretty much everything'. Is that a polite way of saying 'everything'? Or, do you really mean 'pretty much'? Most. I think that would have been a better choice if you meant the latter. I'm confused as to which bits you mean. Anyway, I disagree. This story is not about the twist... it is about getting older and death. The ending is very important as it must show the unease on Warren's face. LOL... I just realised that my character and you have the same name. Anyway, I don't feel that the bedroom scene with he waking up and getting the call is necessary, but the director may feel different. However, he seeing her dead in bed is important for the over all message. I didn't write this story as a twist ending, it was more about mystery than any attempt to directly trick the reader.

Quoted Text Well written as always. Look forward to seeing the finished production, always great to see something made, and you have a lot lined up.

It's been a good year so far. Cheers.

Quoted from eldave1 Excellent!

Cheers, Dave. Looking forward to reading some of your own if you ever get around to it.

Quoted from MarkItZero Nice Dustin, they did a good job on Evicted and should do the same here. I actually just wrote something with Death as a character and tried to stay away from making him some pure evil force. The way you portrayed Frank was great, all charming and friendly and almost naive in the sense that he tries to turn the experience of passing away into this magical journey. But Gladys sees it for what is, that she's going to die, and it terrifies her. Really interesting stuff here. Look forward to seeing what you think of mine.

Thanks mate, that's exactly what I was going for so it's nice to hear it worked for you. I look forward to reading yours, everything I've read so far has been top notch.

Quoted Text Cheers, Dave. Looking forward to reading some of your own if you ever get around to it.

Janet just posted the re-write to: The Object of My Infection" on shooting the shorts. You can catch it here when you have time:


http://media.wix.com/ugd/4e8bd1_bd2bc777d2964f8ca826195b831cd13a.pdf

Quoted from eldave1 Janet just posted the re-write to: The Object of My Infection" on shooting the shorts. You can catch it here when you have time: http://media.wix.com/ugd/4e8bd1_bd2bc777d2964f8ca826195b831cd13a.pdf

Is it hosted here too? If not then you should for maximum exposure. That way I can bump your thread, unless you just want an email?

Yes - here:

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-short/m-1443360255/s-0/