Night Train by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi, Supernaturalnatural - A horny teenager decides to prank his girlfriend with an immersive ghost experience when she won't take their relationship to the next level.  9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Anthony,

I wasn't sure what was going on in the beginning, and then the dialogue became too unnatural and I found myself forcing the read.

It's a spooky tale with some cinematic visuals, but it felt prefabricated and sterile.

I didn't get the feeling that Jason was punishing Emma for not putting out, other than what was explained in the dialogue.  That aspect of the story felt forced but if it were handled in a subtle way it would tack on a extra layer of emotion.

Jordan

Anthony,

SPOILERS AHEAD:

I think you've got a solid horror idea here if you ramp it up a bit. Love the imagery and visuals at the end, the rat scurrying (or whatever that was) away in the beginning etc. but I just feel you've unwittingly diluted a lot of the mounting suspense leading up to the denouement with flippant talk between the two. Also, finding this place seemed a little too easy. What if they enter this other dimension on their way home from somewhere - perhaps the last train has gone, they get a bit lost, enter another stairwell - maybe it's barricaded but they hear another (unscheduled) train, run for it etc.

The sound effects on the App, as well - surely she's not that dim to believe that? Wouldn't it be obvious the sound is coming from his phone? I don't know, I could be wrong about that, I just wasn't buying the sound travelling realistically.

The premise is really spooky and a terrific idea (ghosts in railway stations are always great fodder) but I too am not fond of the 'horny teenager', 'taking the relationship to the next level' angle. It seems extraneous/tacked on, and doesn't add anything to the story imh.  

Thanks for the reads Jordan/Libby, appreciated.

Libby, thought of setting up in a smilar way as to what you suggested, but have seen similar times so decieded to go for something (I thought) was a different into the story.

Thanks

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Libby, thought of setting up in a smilar way as to what you suggested, but have seen similar times so decided to go for something (I thought) was a different into the story. Anthony

I see exactly what you're saying, Anthony. Always good to take a fresh angle, get away from the cliché - that is what we're always trying to do after all. Has the more clichéd approach been used in short format lately with this type of spooky train story?

Perhaps a bit more set up between the couple - I don't know, as is, I got the feeling she just didn't like him much, which is one factor why that angle didn't grab me, but like I said, I love the premise and think you have solid foundation with this story.

Nice clean read. Dialogue seems to be from older kids. I think the ghost train story should be known to both of them, so when one brings it up, the other already knows about it and laughs it off.

The sound effects part seems a little weak at present. Maybe if he had some type of ipod and speakers, connected by bluetooth, hidden in the tunnel it may be more believable. Perhaps a few more jump scares along the way... he being reassuring.

I don't really like his reasoning for pranking her. Perhaps a big brother doing it to a little sister, just because he's older, wiser and bigger and can get away with it. The sexual references seemed to be from someone older, which is perhaps why I feel that way.

Hopefully some of this helps, mate. It's a good story worth putting more time into.

Anthony,

Good job.  This one hits all the right notes.  The kids do their parts.  I think finding the door is a bit too easy.  Failure might be the first try, which makes Emma even more whiny.  

Going down is fine.  Both are scared.  Reaching the platform works, although their phone lights wouldn’t illuminate much.  They might need to explore a bit more.  

The nearby train is nice.  And Jason’s apps work for me.  There might be a problem with the sound.  It’s hard to make the sound coming from a phone sound like something distant.  Yet, I’ll accept it.  

And when the real train shows up, it gets good.  All those souls.  The ending…yep.  Fine.

Best
Richard

Hey Dustin, Richard, thanks for the reads, appreciated as always.

Sound effects, hmm maybe, but figured old train tunnels, pitch black, already scared, probably scare her... maybe not ;-)

Sexual references from someone older... these days they're barely in their teens before sexual pressure is brought to bear... have you seen Kidulthood and the like... was also why I thought it would fly as a mean prank... i.e. he's old enough to know what sex is but still immature enough to react this way when it's denied him. Also the meaner the prank the fairer the ending ;-)

Exploring more and a few more jump scares, good suggestions.

Cheers

Anthony

Anthony,

I like the premise, but the execution felt too lighthearted to really make the most out of the supernatural element.  Ending felt �light� almost an old school feel to it.  

Enjoyed the �hidden door� scene with them trawling through the wall of old posters to find the way in -- never seen that before.  These old stations exist, so you�re onto something there.

There�s a decent amount of mystery in the opening but the tension kind of leveled out with them waiting on the platform.

I�m not sure how scaring your better half makes for better odds on getting a shag -- though nobody said teenagers made great life choices�  I wonder if there�s a way to better connect Jason�s lack of �action� more to the payoff itself?  Something to work into the mythology of this place -- I don�t know, like a station porter with a penchant for necrophilia�  Jason might get laid after all...

I couldn�t figure out if the grubby finger on the phone was meant to be Jason�s or not.

All the best,

Steve

Hi Steve and thanks for the read, appreciated as always...

Old school edning, definitely what I was going for, given the train is from a bygone age I wanted to clash the modernity of the couple, the phone app etc with something that could have come from Tales from the Crypt.

He's trying to scare her to be malicious, not because he thinks shell change her mind, it's revenge really.

Necrophiliac station porter, interesting but hardly old school ;-) Then again, Nekromantik must have been 30 years ago ;-)

Anthony

Anthony,

Good tension in your set up. I'll agree with a few peeps that a couple more jump scares could be used, as well as a better motive for him to bring her down there. I thought the ghostly figures would've been more effective had they, or the conductor, reached out and grabbed Jason -- adding one of those jump scares.

Steve

Hi Steven and thanks for the read, appreciated as always...

Jump scares... Maybe, but was more going for building atmosphere and tension (still needs work)... I think those cattle prod, quiet, quiet, BANG scares are becoming too common.

Will keep in mind on the imminent re-write.

Anthony