Trapped by Chris Keaton - Short, Fantasy - A lone survivor of an apocalypse finds himself trapped after longing for a memory of the past.  7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Chris,

Spoilers ahead!

The logline is a bit misleading. ‘A lone survivor of an apocalypse’ when he’s not a lone survivor.

The VO feels very much like exposition, a way of telling the audience what has happened. I realise on a budget this seems the cheapest way of explaining things but if you can show without telling you should attempt to do so. I think this would be much more powerful if Dave never says a word, either as a VO or otherwise. His actions, grunts of frustration and screams will speak volumes, plus it would tie up to the whole idea of him being alone for such a long time and the ghost aspect a lot better.

I worked out he was a ghost as soon as the guys just didn’t react to his shouting at all, again the lack of dialogue on Dave’s part here would really help. If he stayed quiet and afraid of the strangers, this would lead the audience down a path and the reveal that he’s dead would be much more of a surprise.

All the above is my opinion of course. The script was an easy read and I could understand clearly what was going on, this has potential so keep at it and best of luck with future drafts.

-Mark

Chris,

Some notes.

I think I’ve read this one before.  And I still like it.  I think it needs a resolution for Dave.  The others should do something for him that releases his soul.  Without that,  it doesn’t have a satisfactory ending.  But that’s me.

Best
Richard