Johns by Vin Conzo - Short, Black Comedy, Biopic - John tries to drown his sorrows in peace, the Universe just won't allow it. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

I had to look up the name, and despite the child song suggests 'everybody is John', the story didn't catch me. I'd loved to get a good reason why everybody knows him (other than the child song implication). He could be a tv ad star or something, incidentially carrying that name for example.

Format-wise, I'm sure you know you are off here. There's no other fonts used than the standard courier in a screenplay and all the underlined / bold / all-caps words seem out of the place. Stick with one way to emphazise words, I'd suggest all-caps. If you mix it up in every paragraph it makes the script feel more chaotic.

Just my opinion.

Hey Vin,

Agree with the formatting issues Equinox raised. I too didn't know about the song, think it must be a North American thing, so I guess there might be a bigger pay off for those who know it.

Despite not knowing the song, I found it a good read, fluid and quirky, just need to sort out the formatting. Also think it reads better with "the" in front of "Homeless Man" on page 6.

i was just having some fun with it.  i wasn't trying to set the world on fire with this short.

... for the record though - and believe me, this isn't a big deal to me at all.  I'm fine with criticism and i understand where you're coming from - a few bold words and some caps isn't the end of the world.  I did that on purpose, wouldn't normally in any other type of script, and I'm no pro, but I've seen and read hundreds upon hundreds of scripts am and pro and plennnnnty of them do whatever they want in terms of formatting liberties.

if seeing a couple bold words in a one note joke (obvious from first page of stupid quotes that are "frowned upon") 8 page script stops you from reading, you weren't gonna read it anyway.

thanks for reading it though.  You guys aren't the first people to tell me you weren't familiar with the song.  i honestly thought it was more common.  

I didn't stop reading, but I'm pretty sure anyone you send this to with the goal of getting it made, probably would. The 'pros' as you say, can do pretty much anything they want. They've got their merits already, and their name alone sells scipts even if they are written in 48pt all-caps. Unfortunately most of us here haven't reached that stage so far, so sticking to the rules if probably a good idea for now.

I argue (just for fun, not for real, don't worry I'm not mad - this is just fun discussion) that is just hand me down information.  That is the assumption.  I've talked to enough people in the "biz" who say they don't care and to stop worrying about what "they" say about tiny formatting minutiae, as "they" are usually paranoid writers trying to break in.

and with that said, I wouldn't bold a lot of words or throw a quote page after the title page on anything other than something like this, that I just did for fun, and was hoping to get some eyes on just off the concept/gag.  but so far I'm 1/6 on people knowing the song, which is blowing my mind.  I thought that was a childhood staple.  Now I'm questioning my weird childhood!

Hey Vin,

All fun and games! As I said, it flowed well for myself and I liked it, I just kept getting distracted by the different formatting types. However, I certainly ain't in the biz (plus my formatting is ropey enough, hence I'm on here to try and sort it out) so if you've got some folk who actually get paid to do this stuff then go with their advice!

Bit annoying about the song not being that well known even amongst your mates. Being Scottish/Australian I can definitely say I don't know it from either country. No idea how old you are but maybe it's a generational thing?

Hi, this world of "Johns" is pretty quirky, your epigraph about individuality is on point. I like to see more aspects of it tho.

I have to be added to the list of folks who have never heard of this song. I did Google it at the end and have to say hearing it over and over would drive someone to drink:)

It read fine for the most part for me and I thought you did particularity well with the inebriated dialogue. But again, it fell flat at the end - entirely because I had no idea about the song.

In terms of the formatting issues: they didn't derail the read for me but I if you are purposely taking formatting liberties - give peeps a heads up - i.e., when you submit the script you can add a simple comment to the effect that you're playing around with standard formatting on purpose (or something like that) so that peeps don't waste their time typing up comments in that regard. Juat a thought.

yea i would never pass it off as something super serious.  the final line is supposed to land as a joke... if you know the song.

now that you know it, take a step back and look at it in a different light, JJJS is a sympathetic figure.  that life would be miserable!

I'm at page 2 and enjoying the writing thus far. You have a unique voice and that's very important. The following sentence is a little bad though:

Code John lets a smirk sneak on his face.

If he's allowing it, how does it sneak? It could do with rewording.

Code He moves his open hand side to side like he’s sticking with a blackjack hand.

I don't gamble at all... unless I know I'm going to win, which isn't really gambling. I have no idea what this hand gesture looks like. Is it important to the story that he makes this movement with his hand? Is this supposed to be a representation of how drunk he is?

Code He peeks behind him, and runs smack dab into a WOMAN.

I had to look up smack dab, never heard it before. However, I believe you have used it incorrectly here. The correct term for this situation would be, smack bang.

I don't understand what this story is about. I'm guessing this will be due to the song that nobody else has heard of. I haven't either.

Written well, but I don't have any idea why you've written this... aside from the song that I've never heard of.

Hopefully it finds a producer that has heard of it and he knows an audience that will have heard of it too. Else, I can't see this one working out. But, I could be wrong, and often am.

Quoted Text I had to look up smack dab, never heard it before.

..You never heard "smack dab" before!?  :o

Just curious, where are you from?

...

Vin, "smack dab" is fine here. It's clear what you're saying and that's the point. To be clear about what you're trying to say.

Quoted from Terri Vin, "smack dab" is fine here. It's clear what you're saying and that's the point. To be clear about what you're trying to say.

Smack dab: Exactly; precisely

Smack bang: In a sudden and violent way

The action line used: He peeks behind him, and runs smack dab into a WOMAN.

Case closed.

Well, I think we should write dialogue and action in the natural way people speak.
Yes, it's in the action but I've honestly only heard people use "smack dab" for both definitions you list here.

If we wrote all of our dialogue and action in a grammatically correct manner, it wouldn't sound natural.

The point it to be clear and I don't think anyone will read that and be left wondering: what on earth is Vin talking about "smack dab into a woman!?"

Quoted from Terri Well, I think we should write dialogue and action in the natural way people speak.

This is just a very silly thing to say. In regard to action, anyway. No idea why you've brought dialogue into it. Yes dialogue should be natural... action should be grammatically correct. You'll only make yourself look silly if it isn't.

Quoted Text Yes, it's in the action but I've honestly only heard people use "smack dab" for both definitions you list here.

What you've heard and what actually is are clearly two different things.

Quoted Text If we wrote all of our action in a grammatically correct manner, it wouldn't sound natural.

I've omitted 'dialogue' from the above quote as I haven't said anything in regard to that. Now read your sentence again. Do you honestly believe that?

Quoted Text The point it to be clear.

That's why we use correct grammar. It's there to aid in clarity.

Quoted Text I don't think anyone will read that and be left wondering: what on earth is Vin talking about "smack dab into a woman!?"

Well I was... because I knew that it should have been 'smack bang'. That's why I pulled him on it. If, however, he would still prefer to continue using it wrongly then that is up to him. Why is this affecting you so much?