Xolotls Curse by Chris Keaton - Short, Comedy, Horror  - A kid learns the hard way to keep his hands off other people's stuff. - pdf, format 8)

HI Chris, took a read, a few thoughts... Just my opinion of course.

I liked this, had a decent flow to it and the Grandpa/Grandson relationship works well with some good banter between all the characters.

A few bits I noticed...

1) I think there's some tidying that could tighten this up a bit, e.g. In one para you use TV, a page later it's T.V. - minor but easy to clean up, similar with the way the character are intro'd, think there's some missing commas.
2) Paperclips on a lock is a little cliche, and paperclips are a little flimsy... Why not havng lift his Mom's keys or use something sturdier?
3) Watch out for passive sentences, e.g. The large knife is whacking the chopping board.
That would read better 'The large knife whacks the chopping board.'
4) I think the description of Jill getting knifed needs to be a bit clearer, I wasn't sure until later on what had happened... Though I knew it wasn't good!

But I really liked this, was a fun read and had a great tone to it. Great job.

Anthony

Thanks Anthony!