Hunting Rabbits by Thomas Buell, Jr. - Short, Drama - Exiled to a summer job in rural America during the Vietnam War era, a naïve suburban teenager confronts the painful realities of life and death during a rabbit-hunting adventure with a ragged band of his fellow farm hands in this coming-of-age drama. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Very well written script.  I could only find one technical nit to pick.  On page 11 you write, "ejects the remaining shells from the chamber"  He could eject a spent shell from the chamber, but shells (plural) could not be ejected.  I believe the word you want is "magazine".  The chamber is the part of the barrel of a gun where a round is held until it is fired.  The magazine holds the extra rounds that could be fed into the chamber.

I have two personal observations...

First I grew up on a farm.  My mother signed up for a program where troubled inner-city youth would come out to the farm.  We used to torment those kids.  We lived on a dairy farm that ran Guernsey (brown and white) and Holstein (black & white) cows.  I don't know how many of those kids we sent back to Philadelphia thinking that Holsteins gave regular milk while the Guernseys gave chocolate...

The second person observation derives from the fact that I am also a veteran.  Veterans suffering from PTSD seem to be a very frequent literary target.  PTSD does occur in varying severity to a minority of combat veterans.  The constant portrayal in fiction of us veterans as mentally unhinged leads to an unmerited fear of us by the general public.  I understand that the unparalleled emotional stresses of combat do provide a rich literary ground though...  I'm just lamenting the unearned fear that I at times experience from the civilian public.  As a secondary thought on this topic... asking a combat if he killed anyone is about the rudest question that anyone can ask (and yet everyone seems to feel entitled to ask it).  If you hear a vet talking about all of his or her kills, you're most likely looking at a poser.  True vets tend to laud their fallen comrades with all of the grand tales of valor and honors rather than themselves.

Thomas,

Some notes.

We open with the pickup, which is fine.  I’m no hunter, but I believe wild rabbits eat morning and evening, not in the middle of the day.  We’re introduce to the three men, and I think you have an opportunity to shorten the scene.  Since the Old Man isn’t in the film, I’m not sure why you spend time explaining him.  The important part is setting up Lonnie as the troubled returning soldier.  

I don’t see a reason to tell the audience twice about what Peter is doing for the summer.  We already know.  Take it out of scene 1 and leave it in scene 2 if it’s important.  Generally, action paragraphs should be 4 lines or fewer.  Break down the long paragraphs into shorter ones.  For me, the conflict here seems forced.  Killing the rabbit takes on a significance that doesn’t feel right.  If these guys are dedicated hunters—except for Peter—why bother with all the chat and staring.  This is ordinary kill, right?

And we get to the heart of the story, Lonnie’s confession about death by friendly fire.  Lonnie’s break down is what you’ve been aiming for, and I think you have hit on the gist.  Peter saves the day as Lonnie goes ballistic for a moment.  That’s fine.  Lonnie recovers quickly.

Then, Peter returns for the rabbit.  Not quite sure why.  

One of my pet axioms is that if you want the audience to cry, you don’t put tears on the screen.  And perhaps you’re looking to portray the loss of innocence.  Peter mourns his loss, but that might be better if he had been the killer in the first place.  He has become, on some sense, Lonnie, a killer.  And neither will ever be the same.

Overall, this isn’t a bad effort.  Needs some work on breaking down long paragraphs and perhaps shortening some scenes.  That’s what rewrites are for.

Best
Richard

Thanks to everyone for great feedback. Let me know if I can reciprocate.
- Tom

Quoted from TomBuell Thanks to everyone for great feedback. Let me know if I can reciprocate. - Tom

Absolutely, feel free!