Father's Day by David M Troop - Short, Drama - A father and son spend time fishing together on Father's Day. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Dave, a sweet little slice of life short 'short'.

SPOILERS:


Couple of suggestions if I may. 'Glaring sun' implies middle of the day - still early, and yet all of a sudden this line:  'Randy, we've been here all day'. I think you could do with another visual cue, time transition up to this point.

It all just zips by a little too fast and I think you want to evoke the day is long - the frustration with no bites etc. The 'empty cooler' and the watch, all good - but I'd add a visual of the 'sun setting' to top n tail to make your audience feel father and son have actually been out there all day.

More to the point it just needs more overall imh up to the point of the final V.O. It's not carrying the resonance I feel it deserves. I felt the nice touching moment at the end, but at the moment it feels like a song missing the bridge - another page would do it, even a half a page - perhaps father and son walking a bit of a trail down to the idyllic lake, Dad showing Ryan how to bait the hook, cast off, perhaps seeing a fish so close to being hooked, then slipping off the line.

Finally, I love that this is a most frustrating day for Dad and the dichotomy you introduce of it being the best day of Randy's life - and then Dad finally getting it. It ain't about the fishing at all.

Mom could do with a little lightening up in my opinion too. The 'frown', get ready for dinner etc. - I expect she's used to Dad coming home with no fish - perhaps a wry smile instead of the gloomy vibe, maybe a humorous comment about popping dinner (which was already on standby) into the oven - even if it is a little clichéd.

Inject just a bit more and I think you have a solid but still understated and poignant tale.

P.S. Almost forgot - I'm all for different and modern title fonts but what you've got to my eye looks a little weird and elongated. The title line and author line imh should also be the same font size, or make the title stand out larger on its own. Just my opinion, of course.

Hi David,

This was sweet and I do like the idea, but I find it hard to believe that a 10-year-old boy would consider this day as the best of his life. Granted, he got to spend it with his dad, but was this the first time? Are you implying that they rarely had the chance to spend time together – hence his joy? In any case, it wouldn't hurt if they had some more fun together or something exciting happened while they were fishing.

A nice little family piece - good luck with it.

David,

Some notes.

Like the others, I believe this one needs more setup.  I realize you're going for the end of the day, but if you start earlier, showing a lot of little irritations, you can build the mood before the reversal.  I suggest a problem getting the boat off the trailer or from the rental agency, a problem baiting the hook--nothing like catching a barb in the thumb--a problem casting--the hook in the back--a problem with the cooler.  A bottle broke and the sandwiches are ruined.  A problem with the motor which won't start so dad  has to paddle the big boat back.  He has a reason to tell his wife this was the fishing trip from hell.  And they're all very short scenes with little or no dialogue.  It makes the reversal much sweeter.

Best
Richard