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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Short Scripts  /  The Courier
Posted by: Don, March 27th, 2016, 8:21am
The Courier by Matthew Lincoln - Short, Drama, Crime, Noir/Neo-noir, Thriller - A man ,fallen on hard times, meets a stranger who makes an offer he can't refuse: Deliver a briefcase and get paid a lot of money. 21 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 16th, 2016, 6:50am; Reply: 1
Hi everyone,

First off thanks to everyone who's read "The Courier". I hope you've enjoyed it. Secondly, I'd really appreciate some feedback as I'm thinking about entering some writing contests. Thanks.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: SAC, April 16th, 2016, 7:51am; Reply: 2
I didn't forget about you, Matthew!
Posted by: Nolan, April 16th, 2016, 8:17am; Reply: 3
Hey Matthew,

Some things that stuck out to me:

You use "we" a lot, ie; "we hear, we find, we'll come".  Personally I'd avoid those.  Just say "A bland, dimly lit apartment with sparse furniture" rather than "We find a bland, dimly lit apartment with sparse furniture".

You introduce Martin as a young man, then say "We'll come to know him as MARTIN" in the action lines right after he's introduced as a YOUNG MAN.  You can skip the young man all together, there's no need for it.

And Black Suit can just be introduced as Jonas.  His name doesn't change throughout the story, and no one says it until he does himself.  As a reader, it's not giving anything away if we know he's Jonas.  Know what I mean?

The re: that you use in the wrylies is unnecessary.  For example, (re: card).  In the action line right above it "Jonas pulls out a card.  Writes on it.  Hands it to Martin."  What else would he be referring to?

Those are just a few things I noticed.

Anyway, hope some of that helps and that some other people respond.  I love coming on here and taking feedback for my stories.  It's really helped me grow as a writer!  

Good luck,

Nolan
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 18th, 2016, 3:49am; Reply: 4
Nolan,

Thanks for the input. I made some changes to Martin's introduction in addition to getting rid of some of the wrylies. What about the overall story?

Matthew L.
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 18th, 2016, 4:01am; Reply: 5
Steven,

I figured you haven't forgotten. Thanks, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts. By the way, I just read "The Combination" and I thought it was fantastic. The dialogue was great, and I thought it was neat the way your scenes as well as characters. It was a great read.

Matthew L.
Posted by: RichardR, April 18th, 2016, 10:05am; Reply: 6
Matthew,

Some notes.

We fade in over black, and we hear voices.  The voices sound ominous enough, but are they needed.  These are points you’re going to make during the film.  Why take the suspense out of what’s coming?

We next visit Martin’s apartment, and I don’t know why you don’t just say that in the slug line.  There is no reason not to just name him.  You show us the calendar with the note about the job, and then you give us Phil’s message.  Don’t need both.  And the bills are the bills.  I don’t understand the thing about the message.  If the phone rings, why doesn’t Martin answer?  If he’s dodging bill collectors, let him say so.  And the ending dialogue…you’re going to go over the same point in a minute or two.  

And then the flashback.  While it does elucidate Martin’s crime, what does it do for the story?  It’s vandalism, but not all that criminal.  Did he actually steal something?  Is it needed? Or would it better if the audience inferred something?

And Martin leaves with a comment that seems obvious.

And why did he leave the apartment to make a call?  

The next scene starts with a panoramic.  Fine.  Again, I don’t know why you don’t name your characters.  The newspaper headline and how he bought it are cliché.  Does he need the paper for something?  It feels like something the author inserted, not something dark suit needs to do.  And we get lengthy text with a name.  Wouldn’t the phone number be recognized?  

We go inside the car so the audience can hear the news that Martin spent time finding and then shuts off?  And it’s the same as the newspaper.  Hmm

Back to Dark suit who gets another long message with an initial this time.  Do we need it?  Let him glance at his phone and move on?

The next scene is just acting out what we already know.  IT’s far better than the text message.  But you change from dark suit to suit and tie?  And do we care that it’s 6th and Lincoln?  Does the location matter?  Put dark suit and tie in the post office and let him retrieve the envelope and the phone.  Do you have to show the audience?  Or can you build a bit of surprise by not showing the cash?

The next scene shows Martin entering the bar, and for some reason, Dark suit is there too?  A random bar in a big city?  

We go inside the bar where Martin is drinking despite the fact he can’t pay his bills.  But that’s OK.  Martin doesn’t make good decisions.  Dark suit enters and gets a beer, goes to a table by Martin, and then takes out that slip of paper.  You would think dark suit would have memorized that little bit of information.  And why doesn’t dark suit ask the bartender where the hotel is?  That seems reasonable—or the guy at the juke box or the couple?  And then dark suit doesn’t do the normal start—are you from around here?  But Martin gives directions and then goes on to talk about not getting a job?  And so does dark suit.  The dialogue needs work.  For me, it doesn’t sound like two strangers.  Then, we get more info on the fighter thing…and Jonas (finally a name) wants to hire Martin.  OK, you’ve got an item that you’re willing to pay 1000 to have delivered, and you hire a stranger in a bar?  You’re going to tell me that Martin is not a stranger to Jonas who came looking for him?  

Outside, the tow truck has Martin’s car.  And Martin doesn’t react like a real human.  What would you do?  I’d tell the trucker that I was going to call the cops because there is no legal reason to take the car.  And then I would sue the bejesus out of the trucker.  And you really don’t need this setup.  You already established that Martin is behind on his bills.  This is a simple repo.  If Martin can pay the past due amount, he can keep his car.  Why is Jonas on the phone?  Wouldn’t it be better if he simply appeared?  Or if Martin passed Jonas?  And Jonas comes to the rescue?  Why?  Well, we know why, but again, why Martin?  

I’m not sure what we gain by following Jonas into the hotel.  Jump to the car scene and then hotel.  You can show what you need to show while Jonas is on the phone with Martin.  

And why the park?  Jonas has a perfectly fine hotel room which would be private.  Instead, he meets in the park where Martin conveniently is reading about the club vivid.  The information is given a second time in dialogue.  And Martin takes the case.  Jonas’ phone rings why?  We already know the plan is in progress.

We go to the bar and get an info dump.  Vargas tells all to a big thug.  Really?

And Martin heading for the meet.  And Vargas in the parking lot with the cops in that car across the street.  Nothing like playing the blackmail game right in front of the cops.  

The delivery is made.  All is good.  Martin gets his job, although I’m not sure why Phil is calling at 11 PM.  You would think he’d wait till morning.

And we get the bomb in the car.  Since Vargas checked the contents of the briefcase, wouldn’t he spot a bomb of any sizable proportions?  Or the phone?  And the cops grab Martin.  

And Jonas makes the last run of the night to pay off the tow truck driver.  Needed?  Why wasn’t that taken care of earlier?  

OK, I’ve been fairly thorough in going through the scenes, but the bottom line for me is that these characters don’t act reasonably.  If Jonas is setting up Martin, then show that or at least hint at it.  If Jonas knows Martin has money issues, why doesn’t Jonas just call or stop by and offer the job?  BTW why pay 2000 when you can hire a delivery service to make the drop for 100?  

Others have pointed out some of the formatting issues.  Drop the ‘we see’, ‘we hear’ and other directions.  Just describe what happens.  Cull your dialogue.  Make it lean with double meanings.  Give us a bit more conflict.  If Jonas knows Martin needs money, then let him use that.  But the biggest question is why Martin?  Of all the men who can’t pay their bills, why this man?  Because if Jonas is as good at his job as it would seem, this would not be left to chance.  

I hope this helps.

Best
Richard
Posted by: SKN, April 18th, 2016, 4:49pm; Reply: 7
Hi Matthew,

I like the story alot. The setup kept me scrolling with expectations, either be it Jonas' efficiency or Martin's predicament. The dialogue was also on point and progressing the story forward.

Maybe I missed it somewhere, but I am curious about the schematics/papers in the briefcase.
Posted by: SAC, April 18th, 2016, 6:41pm; Reply: 8
Matthew,

I see this as possibly a first script for you. It has the look and feel of one, and that's not a bad thing. Just means you have work to do to make yourself better and you're definitely in the right place for that.

I read the comments and they're all pretty right on. Your use of "we see" is unnecessary and doesn't read well. It's typically a no no in spec scripts, or even pro scripts. You can get away with a well placed we see every once so often, but not many as you have here.

I also noticed repetitive sentences. You used one something like "we see a familiar face." I saw that three times maybe more, and twice on the same page. Just doesn't read well and really doesn't need to be there. If, for example, Martin is sitting in the bar then just tell us that. No need to say we see a familiar face. These are thins that take readers out of your story.

Your use of italics are unnecessary as well.

It seems to me you were having fun writing this and thinking things were going well, but I'd recommend reading a few pro scripts -- as well as scripts on these boards from some regulars -- and get a handle on how some of this should be done. Writing wise and format wise.

As for your story it wasn't bad. You had an interesting set up, but the pay off was kind of obvious. I figured Martin would be killed, but he just ended up back in the same boat. And I didn't really buy that the Tow Truck driver was in on it all. However, you made an attempt, and you had things in place for this to be an interesting story, but it just didn't quite work for me.

So,  keep on writing AND reading. You can only go up for here. You did seem to have a pretty good handle on how your story should be set up. Just that the formatting and execution was off. Without all the unecessaries this could have easily pulled in at around 15-18 pages and would've made for a much quicker read.

Steve
Posted by: grademan, April 24th, 2016, 4:44am; Reply: 9
Hey Matthew,

Nice effort. I read this a week ago and realized I didn't provide comments.

Your formatting is outdated in places. Still legal but the trend now is to not use CUT TO:, avoid the use of WE, and some of your character introductions are clumsy as well. The practice of introducing characters twice is challenging for the reader. For example, DARK SUIT  receives a name further in. Look at how many of your secondary characters are called MAN or similar. And what's  with all the INSERTS?

The opening three: The title, logline and the quote could use a bit more  work. THE COURIER might be better as THE RELUCTANT COURIER. The logline  could have more of a hook than "an offer he couldn't refuse" - it's a classic but also overused. The quote (from the rock band Kansas?) applies in this case but why use it? It takes a while to figure out and doesn't really add anything to the script that isn't already there.

Could these issues have been part of your effort to write this as a noir script?

The story itself is predictable. THE TRANSPORTER films gave the courier a set of rules he followed for every job. That and a kick ass  fighting style. The story needs something like that. The reveal of the big boss was anti-climatic. Was anybody looking for him?

You put a lot of effort into this so far but consider these suggestions as you prep it for show.

Gary
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 27th, 2016, 8:11pm; Reply: 10
Hank of W,

Thanks. I'm glad you liked the script. I'm doing some re-writes on it and will re-submit it at some point. In regards to the briefcase/schematics, the schematics were for a cell-phone detonated bomb. The bomb itself was fitted into a compartment in the briefcase. When the number was dialed the cellphone charge activated and the rest is history.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 27th, 2016, 8:17pm; Reply: 11
grademan,

Thanks for your thoughts. First off, on re-introducing the character, I'm working on some re-writes that will fix that. Same with the inserts, though some will remain as they  are dealing with important information. To the point about the quote from Kansas, that is for thematic purposes--it sums up Martin's relation to the overall plot.

The purpose is to make it a noir/neo-noir film. The Transporter is not an influence on the film, nor was it intended to. The whole concept is about a  desperate man who through one bad decision(delivering a briefcase) winds up in situation more dangerous than what he was initially involved in. The crux is a Fall guy story--a classic noir trope. Thanks for reading--and the re-write is coming soon.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 27th, 2016, 8:33pm; Reply: 12
Steven Clark,

Thanks for taking out time to read the script. I understand if the script didn't work for you. I'm planning on submitting a revised version of the script that may clear up some of the issues you pointed out. Also, Tow Truck Driver was in on it. He was part of the criminal organization that hired "Jonas". I'll make that a little clearer. Thanks again.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. The Combination was a great read from start to finish.
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, July 21st, 2016, 1:54am; Reply: 13
Hi everyone,

I've made some tweaks to my script "The Courier" for everyone to read. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, November 26th, 2018, 7:27pm; Reply: 14
Hi folks,

I wanted to let you all know that  I've written another short film. You can find it in the short sci-fi section. It's called Inescapable. It's a 24 page Sci-fi/Horror/Thriller script that takes place in the near-future. It was heavily influenced by  the film The Terminator. It's about the CEO of a robotics firm that gets kidnapped, and finds himself hunted by a droid programmed to kill him. I'd appreciate any feedback I can get. Also, I'm making some tweaks to The Courier, and I might put it up when it's finished. Thanks a lot.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 21st, 2019, 6:05pm; Reply: 15
Hi everyone,

Matthew Here. Just wanted to let you know I've got a new revision for The Courier. You can find a google drive link for it under  the Script Review Exchange tab. Let me know what you think. If anyone has something for me to read, let me know and I'll offer feedback. Thanks.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: RobbieD, April 29th, 2019, 5:19pm; Reply: 16
Hi Matthew,

Rob here - as promised here is my feedback for The Courier - review exchange for Mallory Goode.... cheers!

OK first up, I like it. A good story that held my interest.
Your writing is good, very good in places, but it feels a bit variable, almost like you was running out of steam as the story progressed?

Bottom of page 4 - really like the description of the city - this draws me in to the story.
You really could have done more of this (particularly later on) - I don't have a visual for the Nightclub, or its parking lot - give me the visual!  Same for the first Bar we go into - could have a stronger description?

Note too - a bit confusing to have two BARs as locations in your story?  Maybe find a way to make it clearer these are two different BARs?  Later on there are multiple CARs, again label the Cars - "VARGAS' CAR" - or "MARTIN'S CAR:?

I really like the first conversation between PAUL and VARGAS - this was very good writing - at least I think so...

OK - I also have a list of possible typos or possible corrections for you:-

<><><>

Page 3 - typo -  “I’m returning your call you about the” = drop the “you”

Page 3 - grammar “Certain issues came up that’s hard to ignore.” = Certain issues came up that are hard to ignore.”

Bottom of page 4 - “INT. STREETS-LATER” is this really INT.?  I think EXT.

Bottom of page 12 - “INT. PARK-NIGHT” again, I think EXT.

Page 19 “INT. CLUB VIVID-CONTINUOUS” I think EXT.?

Page 5 - typo “I’ll the rent it to you.” = “I’ll get the rent to you”?

Page 5 - typo “A COUPLE sits at” = A COUPLE sit at”

Page 8 - “Have at it.” ??  don’t understand what this is?

Page 11 - “He studies the photos for a moment.” = there was only 1 photo I think?

Page 13 typo “envelope with containing $1000.”  = “envelope containing $1000.”

Page 14 - “Jonas smiles. Hands Martin the briefcase.” = “Jonas smiles and hands Martin the briefcase.”

<><><>

And finally, here are a few things I honestly found a little confusing (or a little odd) during my first read:-

<><><>

Page 2 - Martin is “Anxious. Desperate.”, yet has “a weary face.” seems odd to have the first 2 + the last one?

Page 4 - Jonas - he is described as “nondescript” but also “charming with a swagger” seems odd to be charming if nondescript?


Page 2 -  I think it might have helped if, in the cold open, we see the name of the night club “VIVID”?

Page 2 - Harrison’s phone conversation (over black) a little confusing this - but OK?

Page 2 (bottom of page) - it seems like the answer phone caught Phil’s call, but then at top of page 3 Martin is talking to Phil on the phone?  So... why the answer phone?

Bottom of Page 7 - where did the crowd come from? The description of the bar made me feel like the bar was very empty.

Page 8 “nuclear football.”??  I don’t understand this reference?  (I’m from the UK so maybe that’s why - never heard the expression)?

Page 9 - I think Martin would have reacted stronger to an offer of $1000 to drop a briefcase - that’s a lot of money!  Instead he merely replies “Can’t your friend come and get it?” then later you put ‘Sounds too good to be true.’  This could be re-ordered better I think.

Page 9 - “As his car being towed. A TOW-TRUCK DRIVER(40’s) gets ready to leave.”  typo “car is” but also
-  is the car getting ready to be towed or already being towed?  I think go with being chained and raised, as you come back to that later.

Page 9 - You have TOW-TRUCK DRIVER introduced, but then you call him “The Man”

Page 10 - Tow truck driver says he has to call the number and come to the place. - But it appears like Martin could just pay right now?  The Tow Truck Driver could have explained that to Martin.

Page 10 (middle of page) don’t need to use CAPS for TOW TRUCK DRIVER anymore.

Page 11 - “Alright, you get it back this time.” I think you could find a better retort - the driver is just doing his job - but this line make him sound mean.

Top of Page 12 - EXT. APARTMENT-NIGHT  - why not EXT. MARTIN’S APARTMENT-NIGHT?  makes it easier to read, and we’re already been here before so easy enough to show on screen.

Bottom of page 12 - “Martin, glad you made it.”, small point but as Jonas was last to arrive at the scene, the line seems the wrong way around?

Top of page 13 - Marin asks “So what’s the drop?” - he already knows from page 8 that is will be the briefcase?

Lower on page 13 “See, it’s nothing.”  Hmm. I think a stranger giving me a case with “a lot of cash.” would be something…

Page 14 - “You’re a hero, buddy. Thanks.” - didn’t explain that the car window would be open otherwise Martin can not hear this?

Page 15 - “A look that screams ….blah.”  This feels a bit lazy (it is over used I think) plus you have already used it earlier I think?

Page 15 - “This is VARGAS. The Man in the earlier picture.”  Ok so if this was filmed, we would be able to make the connection that the person we are now seeing is the same as the person in Jonas’ photo, BUT we would NOT know it is VARGAS.

Page 16   EXT. STREETS-NIGHT / Martin’s car darts down a lonely street. / INT. CAR-MOVING / Martin’s behind the wheel. - all of that could have been done under EXT. / INT CAR - NIGHT ?   ALSO - I think this is the opening scene being repeated right?  If so, find a way to make that clearer (show the Cup Holder with the card maybe)?

Page 16 - “He almost peeks inside the briefcase, then decides against it.” why would he do that? Jonas already showed him the content of the case.

Page 16 “Vargas and Paul emerge” = “Vargas and Paul emerge from the car”?

Bottom of page 17 “Don’t shoot. I’m unarmed. I only came ‘cause your friend Jonas” how does Martin know he has the right people?  Might be better if Jonas gave his some sort of description to follow? Tattoo or something?

Page 18 - “Vargas and co.” = “Vargas and Paul” - also there are now three cars in play be careful to be clear. eg. “INT. CAR-MOVING” = “INT. VARGAS’ CAR - MOVING”?

<><><>

I hope this feedback is useful.

I think you have the makings of an excellent story here - I would consider a re-write (perhaps start from the end and work to the beginning? so it doesn't have that feeling of losing steam?) adding in a bit more description to the locations and actions.  Not too much, but some stinging lines like you have done in places at the start.

PS.  For your reference, during my FIRST read I guessed the ending (ie. that the case was going to be a bomb) as soon as I hit the bottom of page 15 - I think you could do a little more to disguise this?  I didn't see the T-T-DRIVER coming back into play - that was niiiice...

Keep it up mate.

R
Posted by: Colkurtz8, April 30th, 2019, 12:27am; Reply: 17
Matthew

This shows some potential, technically it’s relatively clean and you know how to set up a story. I liked the opening, I think its strongest part of the script in how you jump between a couple of different characters. You made me wonder where it was going and how it was all connected. I was intrigued.

However, when the story does reveal itself and the paths begin to intersect, I feel it’s less successful. Firstly, there are no big surprises here. I pretty much anticipated every “twist” before it landed and that’s a problem since the core of the drama is derived from these supposed rug pulling moments.

I mean, we just know Martin is walking into a bad situation, we know that Jonas is involved with some shady people and using Martin as the fall guy, and sure enough, that’s what happens. Like clockwork. Pretty much every expectation I had bore itself out with deflating predictability.

The emotional resonance is meant to come from the fact that Martin is struggling to get a job based on his past brush with the law but can we really have any sympathy for him here? He makes a bad decision and will pay dearly for it. Sounds fair to me. Not much to contend with there. Plus, having Phil ring him and offer the job just before he gets nailed feels a bit manipulative and all to timely. Since it’s possibly the best news that Martin could get we just know there is a massive fall coming. It’s like the inverse of that cliché moment when someone says “Well, things possibly couldn’t get any worse”...and then things immediately get worse.

There is a fatalistic streak to this, we can see Martin heading for disaster and we’re screaming at him to run away, go in the opposite direction...but he doesn’t, he falls right into the trap. Now, maybe this is the point, it’s almost his destiny. He has been chosen by Jonas and although he declines the offer at first, w e know he’s going to accept it sooner or later. That is just the nature of these stories, there isn’t one otherwise...but, as I said, just watching a character make a dumb choice and then for it to backfire as we suspected it would, doesn’t make for the most compelling viewing/reading.

I feel it needs a few more twists and turns, a red herring or something to make it feel less of a frustrating and familiar experience. Perhaps Martin does get away, money in hand, job waiting for him the next day but he now has two deaths on his conscience. That’s perhaps a more complex and interesting thing for a character to wrestle with. Sure, he might not lose much sleep over Vargas and Big Thug but maybe some innocent person gets caught in the explosion and that repercussion is something Martin must face up to. I know this would mean extending the script as it adds another act in a way but I do think the story is in need of some fleshing out.

Also, I have to wonder what Jonas would’ve done if he hadn’t met Martin. Had he ever planned to deliver the briefcase or was he always going to recruit a patsy? As I mentioned in my page by page notes, the whole premise of Jonas offering this “job” to Martin has plausibility issues on both sides. Why would Martin trust this guy, especially since he is paying him so much money? Something obviously stinks about this. Plus, on the other hand, why would Jonas trust a stranger with this vast amount of money.

Finally, if Jonas’s superior wanted to whack Vargas, why set up this pay off and blow up a bunch of money, assuming it is real money. Why not just put a bullet in him when the opportunity arises? Vargas isn’t exactly in hiding, incredulously enough, he seems totally unaware of the danger he is in after threatening the cartel with ratting them out. I mean, dude, c’mon, your days are severely numbered if you make a move like that.

Anyway, to reiterate, I do see potential, keep at it. There is some good stuff in here. I just don’t think the story as a whole comes together in a dramatically satisfying way. It needs work.

Col.
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 30th, 2019, 6:35pm; Reply: 18
RobbieD,

Thanks a lot for your feedback. Glad you liked it.  I'll look over the script and make those changes. Also, I'll take a look at some of your work and give you some feedback as well.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 30th, 2019, 6:53pm; Reply: 19
Col.,

First off, thanks for taking out time to review The Courier. I've been thinking about your review and I'm making some changes, just so you know. I am curious as to which version you read. The one under Short Scripts is an older version, the one posted with the Google Drive link is a newer version with some tweaks.

"I mean, we just know Martin is walking into a bad situation, we know that Jonas is involved with some shady people and using Martin as the fall guy, and sure enough, that’s what happens. Like clockwork. Pretty much every expectation I had bore itself out with deflating predictability."

I've been thinking about ways to make it less predictable, but the story essentially is  a "Fall Guy story". I like that aspect of Noir Films-- and that's what The Courier is , to me. It's essentially the story of how desperation can drive a person to make a wrong decision that will causes even greater problems, than the one they were originally dealing with. Also, the thing about Phil calling at the end was intentional. It was supposed to be the "Calm before the storm", moment.

I am working on a version that has an alternate ending, and I'll PM you about if you're interested in hearing about it.

To your point about Jonas, the plan was always to recruit a patsy for this job. He's the one who suggested it to the mob, which is why Harrison said "They loved your idea, make it happen" at the beginning. The reason is that Vargas kind of hid out at Vivid because he knew the cops where investigating the owner.

He (rightly) assumed that the mob wouldn't make a direct hit on him, while he was there. He didn't, however, see the money drop off coming-- which is how Jonas ended up killing him by proxy.

You wondered as to why Martin trusted Jonas, given that he knew so little about him yet was offering a lot of money. In the newer draft of the script( Which can be viewed on Google Drive). There was a subplot where Martin received an eviction letter, specifically a notice to vacate letter. He only had  a small window of opportunity to pay the rent, and took the job out of desperation. That's why I asked which version you read.

Overall, I liked your review and I found it helpful. BTW, I'll check out some of your work, and offer my thoughts soon.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, April 30th, 2019, 6:56pm; Reply: 20

Robbie D,

"For your reference, during my FIRST read I guessed the ending (ie. that the case was going to be a bomb) as soon as I hit the bottom of page 15 - I think you could do a little more to disguise this?  I didn't see the T-T-DRIVER coming back into play - that was niiiice..."

Thanks on the Tow Truck Driver bit. Just curious, though. What would you suggest to conceal the bomb plot?

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: Colkurtz8, May 1st, 2019, 5:55am; Reply: 21
Matthew

Great, I’m happy you got something out of my notes.


Quoted from MatthewLincoln
First off, thanks for taking out time to review The Courier. I've been thinking about your review and I'm making some changes, just so you know. I am curious as to which version you read. The one under Short Scripts is an older version, the one posted with the Google Drive link is a newer version with some tweaks.


Ah ok. I had it on my laptop for a few days before I read it so I assume it was an older draft. You will know from my page by page notes anyway which version I was commenting on.


Quoted from MatthewLincoln
I've been thinking about ways to make it less predictable, but the story essentially is  a "Fall Guy story". I like that aspect of Noir Films-- and that's what The Courier is , to me. It's essentially the story of how desperation can drive a person to make a wrong decision that will causes even greater problems, than the one they were originally dealing with. Also, the thing about Phil calling at the end was intentional. It was supposed to be the "Calm before the storm", moment.


Yeah, I got that and sometimes it can be oddly gratifying when a film plays to expectation but too much of anything is not a good thing and because I was pretty much able to forecast every twist and turn before they happen, it disengaged me from the read. I should also say, I’m not a reader/viewer whose constantly looking ahead in the moment and trying to second guess every plot point. On the contrary, I’m often the last horse to cross the finish line in that respect but here it was just too familiar and easily deciphered as to what was about to go down.

Also, yes, I see what you were doing with the placement of Phil’s call at the moment but as I already said, it feels too placed and convenient, in my opinion.


Quoted from MatthewLincoln
To your point about Jonas, the plan was always to recruit a patsy for this job. He's the one who suggested it to the mob, which is why Harrison said "They loved your idea, make it happen" at the beginning. The reason is that Vargas kind of hid out at Vivid because he knew the cops where investigating the owner.

He (rightly) assumed that the mob wouldn't make a direct hit on him, while he was there. He didn't, however, see the money drop off coming-- which is how Jonas ended up killing him by proxy.


Ok, that’s fair enough about Jonas, I know the line you’re referring to, I didn’t give it its due import. However, my point still stands as to the plausibility of Jonas trusting some random guy with a task like this. The probability for complications has just risen considerably. C’mon, the golden rule of murder is “The less people who know, the better” Everyone knows that, right? ;) Plus, why not just dispatch Vargas in a more subtle, understated way? Other than getting a cool explosion on screen was there any need to make the hit so dramatic.

You make a good point about Vargas hanging out at the club as a form of protection due to the cops’ interest yet the exchange is done in the parking lot so it kind of renders that point moot. I wonder could you connect Vargas to Martin in some way and that’s why Jonas chooses him. Maybe due to Martin’s new job, he has particular access to a hiding out, elusive Vargas that Jonas does not. This way, it gives Martin a certain skill/ability, thus a reasoning for him being recruited.  


Quoted from MatthewLincoln
You wondered as to why Martin trusted Jonas, given that he knew so little about him yet was offering a lot of money. In the newer draft of the script( Which can be viewed on Google Drive). There was a subplot where Martin received an eviction letter, specifically a notice to vacate letter. He only had  a small window of opportunity to pay the rent, and took the job out of desperation.


I think you already do an adequate job in conveying Martin’s desperation. We get glimpses of mounting bills and we know that he’s struggling to find a job because of his past. His interactions with Phil communicate this too, we feel it. I just felt that Martin wasn’t wary or suspicious enough when the initial sum is so big for what is meant to be a simple delivery. I mean, I understand that Martin has to eventually accept the proposition for the story to move forward, I just have issues with how it gets there.


Quoted from MatthewLincoln
I'll check out some of your work, and offer my thoughts soon.


Cool, thanks. I’m open to a further back and forth about this script too if you want. Any questions, just ask.

Col.
Posted by: RobbieD, May 1st, 2019, 8:47am; Reply: 22

Quoted Text
Thanks on the Tow Truck Driver bit. Just curious, though. What would you suggest to conceal the bomb plot?


Hmm. Difficult to say, I think my spider-sense tingled when Jonas offered such a large amount of money to deliver an innocent item, if you built in a bit more of back story around why (at least what Jonas tells Martin) he wants the thing to be delivered it might draw suspicion away?  Also, you could work on the relationship between Jonas and Vargas (again only what Jonas tells Martin - it can all unravel whilst the artefact is actually being delivered)?  

Then... there's the artefact itself (a briefcase, a container, that holds things, and in film they have housed their fair share of bombs!). I suppose you could think of another item that could be couriered whist you are building in the back story of why it's being delivered, and why to Vargas? If you need to stick with a briefcase, then maybe you could have Jonas fessing to Martin that there is actually something illegal inside (ie. the hush-money) - let Martin believe that Jonas has come clean (a bit) and that this isn't all above-board - this makes it all the more plausible too, considering Jonas obviously doesn't want to do the job himself (I didn't buy the "can't be in two places" reason, I don't think Marin would). It also helps to explain the large amount of money being offered for a simple drop-off too.

That might be enough - these are just top-of-the-head suggestions. There's plenty of other ways you could go of course.

Looking forward to reading a re-write if you're doing one mate.
Posted by: MatthewLincoln, May 3rd, 2019, 2:22pm; Reply: 23
Robbie D,

Thanks for your help, man. I liked your idea about hush money. I'm going with that. I've already worked out an idea about that, and I'll send you a reworked copy soon.

Matthew Lincoln
Posted by: RobbieD, May 3rd, 2019, 4:05pm; Reply: 24
No worries. Hope it works out Matthew.
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