Adam and Amy by Mike Scarr - Action, Adventure, Romance, Comedy - A rebellious gunman and a troubled addict seek a fresh start on the road with a vindictive mob boss hot on their heels. 100 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Mike.  I'm only on page seven so far and I've seen a few things that may need attention.  You don't capitalize anyone when they are first introduced into a scene.  There'a a lot of writing, ie; you say more than you need to say.  All you need to do is get to the point.  Although, I have trouble with that too and need to proof and trim a lot of my stuff.  

One thing that I was wondering about was the visualization sequences that Adam has.  Are we meant to see these on the screen?  Or is it something that he's just thinking?  If we're meant to see it, I feel as though it should be indicated that this is a daydream, or something of the sort.  The way it's written makes me feel like that's what you're trying to do, but I'm confused.

And it got a little confusing with Guy.  Why not give him a name?  You first introduce them as three men, then refer to him as a guy.  

Just a few thoughts early on.  

Nolan

thanks for the response. Yeah, the audience is supposed to see the visualization. I'll make that more clear. It's a first draft so I'm gonna be tightening everything up over the next few months.

Mike: Welcome.

Whatever application you are using to post your script does not allow for cutting and pasting - so can't show you the examples. Anyway - Page 1

Lose the title and draft 1 on the first page.

INT. is not a scene heading. It needs to be:

INT. DINER - DAY

Not sure you are formatting Adam's visualizations correctly.  Here is an excerpt from Doctor Format (https://www.screenplay.com/dr_Format) on how to do this:

Let’s assume that your character’s name is Sybil. Just write what the audience and Sybil see, and label it clearly so that the reader knows that it is only Sybil’s vision. You would format it as you would a flashback or a dream:

EXT. WOODS – NIGHT

Bart and Sybil meander through the woods holding hands. Sybil suddenly stops and gazes up at the sky.

SYBIL’S VISION

A bright light descends over her. It’s her dead mama shaking a scolding finger at her.

BACK TO WOODS

Bart sees Sybil recoil, but doesn’t see Mama.


Best of luck.

So I am 22 pages in and....? Well, nothing.

The first scene kind of hooked me (obviously for 22 pages), there is some mystery there, and some good dialogue, which it all seems pretty good, but after 22 pages I want something to pop, I want to know where I'm going; what's the point?' I'm not going anywhere but in a ride with Adam who whatever life he lives. He's a heavy? I got a glimpse into the life of these people. Nobody trusts each other. That's the life here. Interesting for 22 pages but I'm bored now. I don't want to watch and I changed the channel.

Hi Mike,

If you're getting close to posting a new draft, I'll hold off on my feedback, otherwise I'll take a stab at your currently posted draft.

Frank