The Blizzard by Sean Leibin - Short, Horror - {no logline} 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Sean,

Some notes.

The opening scene reads like a novel.  And for the life of me, I can't see how a full moon exists during a snow storm.  

The next scene reads as typical couple dialogue.  But you use a lot of wrylies, and that shouldn't be necessary.  Let your dialogue speak for itself.  And I don't think you need the info dump.  These people know each other.  They know the info you're giving the audience.  They don't need to say it to each other.  

The accident is fine, but you might try to find a way to shorten your action paragraphs.  Four lines is the current standard.

The next scene seems eerie enough, and circumstances make this harder by the second.  I still can't swallow that there's any moonlight, but that's me.  The dialogue is a bit too on the nose for me.  

The next scene feels like filler.  They're struggling through deep snow and wind, and they're telling the audience what the audience can plainly see.  Why are they telling each other what they both know?  

And I'm wondering how they can see 100 yards in a blizzard--at night.  

They reach the cabin which seems sufficiently weird, but there's nothing special.  The dialogue lacks punch.  The dark figure is sufficiently scary but not special.  And I'm wondering why the figure didn't attack them on the road.  Why wait till now?  And the action paragraphs beg to be skipped over.

I think you can do better by rethinking this a little.  Figure out whether you want a snow storm or a full moon because getting both seems impossible.  Also, if the bad dude needs them in the cabin, why have him in the road?  He's not needed there.  

Best
Richard

Hi Sean,

This is an ok story, but you do need to cut down the long action paragraphs and long, long dialogue in parts.  

Alec' s dialogue whilst they were coming up to the cabin was soooo long it defied any sort of credibility. He's asking questions to Carin or rhetorical, I'm not sure, but just keeps talking and she is next to him. I would use this time to explore more of their emotions, more interaction between the two. It's a dark cold and scary night, and they have crashed their car in an unknown place. Tap into some fear and vulnerability.

Cheers

Chris