Roadside Charm by Nolan Bryand - Short, Drama - Police officer John is stopped roadside with a client, a particularly cute one. 3 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Nolan,

A cute little turn with the 4 yo on the toy car, but really there is nothing in this to appeal to a producer I wouldn't think.

Pg 2, grammar issues, need a comma between these

EMILY
Okay(,) daddy.
JOHN
I love you(,) baby girl.
EMILY
I love you too (,) daddy.

I think if you began your story like this then had the next scene where the father gets shot ... or where the family finds out about the cop shot then you would have the makings of a story.

Hope this helps

Chris

Hey Chris,

Thanks for the comment.  That's an intriguing idea, one that I'll mull over.  

Nolan

Nolan,

Some notes.

This is indeed a short, and that's good. For me, it reads like the opening of a longer work, something that will involve this playful policeman.  And you might consider making Emily a bit older.  at 4, does she really understand tickets and such?  In any case, this is a nice moment that needs something more, perhaps a lesson for Emily.  No riding in the street, fasten your seat belt, a reason to go along with the action, a teachable moment.

Best
Richard

You could do so much more with that scene. Now it's flat writing. Flat? His eyes are covered with sunglasses. Think about that line.

The scene is cute but there's no life in the descriptions.

Read up on how a cop gets a dispatch. Use 10 codes.

Richard and Clorox,

Thanks for your input.  I'll take another look at this and see what I can do.

And Clorox, as for how a cop gets a dispatch, do you know that for sure?  Being a cop myself, I can tell you that I've heard many radio transmissions without 10 codes.  Radio transmissions are about getting things out, and in panic situations, 10 codes can often get mixed up.  Sometimes it's best to just use plain language rather than 10 codes.  In the famous words of Billy Madison, "Ta Ta today junior".

Nolan

Hey Nolan,

I like the part with Emily's ticket a lot and to me, the descriptions / action lines are fine. Just expected some other ending, currently it feels like the two parts (Emily and the bank robbery) are separate, unconnected sequences.

I hear ya.  What I was going for was the fact that he's a family man, yet has to face the harsh realities with the world of policing.  I hummed and hawed about posting this, as I wasn't sure if there was enough in it for a good story.  I'll need to re-examine it and figure out where to go with it as the criticism seems to generally be the same.

Thanks for the read.

Nolan

I defer to your expertise. I am not a cop but I know a big city police dispatcher and we had a conversation about ten codes. While it may be "right," it would play better on screen. The random public have expectations or pereceptions. Like when the military repeats something 3 times so people know what's going on. It "sounds" more police like, or military like. Like our lives might be drama to us, but it ain't drama to a movie audience.

Like, one Adam twelve, see the man...see, I'm old.

The twist with Emily is nice, but to me, it seems that this is when the story ends.

I get the juxtaposition you are going for, but somehow it doesn't pay this scene off in a way that feels complete.

I was kind of hoping that in his rush to the crime scene, John would CRUNCH over Emily and speed off.  But I am kind of a dick that way.  Please don't use that haha.

The writing is fine -- no complaints there -- but I am left feeling that this should be either a half-page shorter, or a half-page longer.  

Quoted from bert I was kind of hoping that in his rush to the crime scene, John would CRUNCH over Emily and speed off.  But I am kind of a dick that way.  Please don't use that haha.

That would introduce the paramedic.....wait for it.... Emily's Uncle

Haha, that's pretty dark!  I'm not entirely opposed to dark, but yeah, I won't be using that ;).  

And Clorox, thanks for your previous post.  It's definitely a good point about the expectations and perceptions of the public.  I never thought of it that way.  

Nolan

The "read up" was very presumptuous of me.

No worries on my part!

I liked this. Short and a slick twist.

Pros

+Twist with the daughter was nice.
+Dialogue was believable.

Cons

- Seems like a scene from something larger. It reads like an opening scene to me.

Keep it up.

LOL. So cute. I feel a bit cheated thought - the logline promised something that never materialised.
Also, I can't imagine how the beginning would be filmed. A cop should kinda lean into the window of a car to get some eye contact, but with a little girl in a little car he would need to squat or look downwards...

Hey, Nolan.

Well written for the most part and seemed to be the start of something good. It didn't strike me as a complete story.

A couple of nit typos:

Quoted Text EMILY Okay daddy.

comma after okay

Quoted Text JOHN I love you baby girl.

comma after you

Quoted Text EMILY I love you too daddy.

comma after too

Marcela and Dave,

Thanks for the comments.  I seem to have an issue with commas!  Something I have to work at for sure.  

I'm currently rewriting this.  I still like the idea of the twist with Emily, and will probably keep that the way it is.  I'm playing with some other stuff.  I'll submit it within the next week or so and see what kind of response I get from it.

Thanks,

Nolan

Well, the thing is, with commas, you have to, most times, use them for grammar, of course, and not (in my opinion) confuse them with parenthesis, or, as the case may be, with hyphens - which I had to google the proper use of - and then semicolons; I never get the hang of those.

Everyone has brought up things that I would have commented on already except the use of "is" and "ing".
Read through the script and rewrite the sentences with those words omitted.
Show, don't tell. :-)

There isn't anything wrong with 'ing' words, particularly. I think it's wrong to tell people this as it's an over simplification.

It's not all words... but verbs. 'ing' verbs are not as active as ordinary verbs, although are still active voice. They are fine to use, just be aware of them when you do. If it disrupts flow or your writing looks clunky as a result of not using them, then use them.

The same goes for 'is' and 'are'. Just be aware of them and try to write as actively as you can. Most of the time they will be unnecessary. However, there are times when it's fine to use them too.