Roommates by Riley Tessneer - Series, Comedy - Six young people living in New York City discover what it's like to have a roommate.  39 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was actually fairly enjoyable. Until I got to the middle and then it fell off a bit to me.

This is funny and with some work could be a nice little series for network.

Notes:

The funny is here! So that's good and it works.

You have so many spelling errors it's crazy. Like I actually thought I was going crazy for a sec reading this...maybe just plug this into a word program hit the spell check and go from there.

Teaser: Too Long. Try to keep it at 2-3 pages max. Esp. for a 30-min sitcom. And with this teaser it can easily be cut down. So work that out.

I like Bobby and I would have preferred him being naked instead of in a towel in the teaser. To me he seems like an outside observer to the groups weird dynamic. So either make him really smart and philosophical about his observations or harmlessly dumb.

The scene in the car with Scott was great but I think visually Scott should stuff the sock down his pants for him all while Bobby sucked a cup.

PG.17 The 'tube' sock thing is funny but everyone knows that trick.....like everyone....Bobby should not be surprised by that.

PG.8 The moment Danny is talking about the woman he puked on. I SO WANTED TO SEE THAT HAPPENING! This is a primo time to use a flashback. I wanna see him vomit down her breast.

The situation with the card mix-up is not big enough for me. It works in sitcom fare- a screwy mix-up but couldn't Penelope just call her and explain what happened?

Also how did Danny know he gave Steph Scott's card and not his? And Hannah does not seem like the type of woman who would work at-let alone own- a women shoe store called SHOE-ALICIOUS.

As I'm reading this I'm noticing a lot of unnecessary machoness that's coming across a little homophobic.

Where is Scott driving too? They live in NY?

Not saying you are but Scott seems like a more understanding fella to being hit on by a gay guy. Danny would be the spaz in this situation to me.

I love Scott he is the funny too me all around and I think it would work to have his sexuality be a little more fluid than straight as an arrow. It would be funny at least. Like maybe start to be flattered by the male model.

Although that line about the sex being unwanted is gold to me.

So here's the thing that's a big issue for me: Either Scott is the screw-up or Danny is the screw-up. They both can not be screw-ups here. And as it stands Scott is clearly the charismatic slacker and Danny is the straight-laced good guy. That is fine. Trope or not.

So work on the length and work on establishing who these guys are for real and you have yourself a hit my friend.

Hey Ashlie!

About the spelling errors, sometimes I get super excited about how people will react and just decide to send it in. Yeah... I should probably stop doing that.

Thank you for the tip on the teaser. it was mostly that long just to show Scott and Danny's weird best friend relationship and the joke about the lube so Scott could bring it back when he was in the car with Bobby.

Bobby is definitely an outside observer. I will work on that!

The reason I didn't have Scott do something bolder like shove the sock down Bobby's underpants is because I don't feel like he's comfortable enough with Bobby yet to do something like that. Then again, it is a sitcom so it could possibly work!

I guess. Bobby is a little clueless though. He might have been a sheltered child, you never know.

Great point on the flashback. That would work well to make up for the lost room after I cut the teaser.

I guess Penelope could have gotten ahold of Steph, but you know, the group is kind of bad with phone numbers.

That's probably true, but I saw her as owning a business and used the first thing that popped into my head.

I agree with you on the macho and homophobic stuff. I didn't mean for it to come across that way, but I was reading through this last night and it totally did.

He's driving to Steph's apartment. Yes, they do live in New York. Scott says in the teaser that living in apartments in New York City is cut-throat.

Again, I see the truth in this a lot. Danny would flip. He would probably vomit on them too! I love Scott too and he would be more understanding and he tries I think a little. He's obviously done pretty quickly.

Did you mean the line where Scott says "But what I'm hearing from you is that you don't like for the other person to enjoy it when they have sex with you"? Because if you are, I showed that line to my best friend and he snorted!

I see what you're saying. Thank you for pointing that out.

Thank you so much for your lovely comments and suggestions! I'll hopefully have a revised draft out soon if you're interested in reading that!

I didn't think you were homophobic...i know how one-sided it can get when writing the opposite sex. i struggle too on that.

yes i dud mean that line....so funny.

i meant why was he driving bobby to his audition. he should grab the train or a can.. you drive in ny you loose your spot for a year.

work on this. it's good.

I took a look... there are some formatting and spelling issues, but, that aside, this is written pretty well. I read up to page 7.

I'm not interested in reading more, because I'm not interested in your story.. but, I can see that it would have appeal to some.

Good luck.

I'm sorry that you weren't interested, but thank you!