Captain PC by T. Warning - Short, Comedy - Four people trying to answer a PC question are visited by Captain PC who never makes a mistake. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hmm, this one didn't grab me either. Don't know what 'Captain PC' has to do with transgender questions. And the central joke is quite flat. Was obvious Sunday would fall. The action lines are too playful at times, imo. The whole thing about what they are baking and eating on the first few pages doesn't belong to the story and got me bored quickly. Sorry.

The story met the challenge just didn't hit my funny bone.

What would have made it funnier? How about Capt PC as a Peter Pan styled hero? Possibly have one of the friends be trans gender? The setting was  so PC I thought it might be Capt PC's Fortress of Solitude

Might have added an edge.  

T. Warning,

This one didn't do a lot for me. The woman/transgender rape conversation was a little odd, the characters were flat and the ending (Sunday flying) didn't pack a punch you obviously wanted it to. The idea of Captain PC is a good one, could have been used better though.

Good luck,

Glenn.

First one for me. Not a good start.

I can't tell if the first half with all the food/wine/farming talk is supposed to be funny or not. It seems like you're relying on the sheer fact that they're vegans for laughs and not actually crafting jokes around them. I wondered if maybe the kale and orange cupcakes were made-up, but I looked them up, and indeed they're real. The "sugar is the new beef" line was clearly a joke, but it didn't land.

Captain PC was weak. He didn't even really answer the rape question. They could've been talking about anything so long as the trans angle was part of it and they would've received the same answer. Also I guess it's supposed to be a given that women aren't violent/can't rape?

The biggest issue here is that the whole PC angle is loaded with possibilities for comedy. Obviously South Park did it brilliantly. The central gag here is completely one note and simplistic to the point that you barely even broach the topic of PC culture at all, which is a shame. In that sense, I wonder if the vegans weren't a distraction from the topic. Are all vegans supposed to be PC or something?

A wasted opportunity. This could've been much, MUCH better.

Okay, well, I liked this one. Trendy people doing trendy things and being completely obnoxious. Yes, I knew what was going to happen to Sunday when she headed to the edge of the roof. But I really liked the idea of PC (Captain PC) being completely idiotic in his beliefs.

I thought this was a really nice job. Nicely sardonic.

Format, structure wise et al - pretty sound.

It took too long to get rolling for me. The set up to Captain PC could be shortened.

Not sure the Trans and only men can rape angles works - I think if the premise is more comedic what flows afterwards would be more comedic.  

There's was only 6 pages and i was waiting for some comedy, it didn't come.

Discussions about rape and transgender doesn't tickle my funny bone... ah well

good job on entering

Hmmm... so overuse of the word trendy and repetition of the slug in the action line, not a great start, lets see if it improves...

An Asian character called Jade... could be a joke I guess.

The rape discussion didn;t strike me as funny, but Captain PCs appearance did, I can visualise him and I'm smiling.

The conversation with Captain PC is where it got going for me and a couple of lines made me laugh.

Last couple of pages are decent.

I Liked the title and idea

At first it was a bit heavy and unfunny, but it turned it around.

The shallowness of being PC is a nice undercurrent - could have been more.

For six page sit needed to Be quicker and snappier but it's a good idea, no I liked it...at the end.

Not even close to being a comedy, I'm afraid. Good clean writing but more suited to an esoteric challenge than a chucklefest.

0 laughs out of 10

Writer,

Nice try but in the end it just didn't work for me. Nothing really that got me laughing, although there was a lot of funny stuff you could have explored in a conversation about transgenderism. A missed opportunity maybe. Nice read though.

Steve

Hmm. I think there was a hint of a metaphor in there at the end besides all the PC stuff, but it got past me. The writing is good quality, so I know the writer has some skill to show, but the humor was too subdued here for me to feel like this was a comedy. It was more of a Sunday wine and cheese event at the country club where the talk is all prim and proper.  No real laughs for me to speak of.  Still, good effort on the writing itself. Just need more of a humorish punch from my perspective.

Verdict:  Pass

Best,
Gary

Sorry, this didn't work for me either.  It isn't funny.  The dialog isn't interesting.  The subject matter isn't interesting.  

Captain PC was funny.  That was it.  But, SPOILERS

the death nullified him being funny.

It just didn't work...

Sorry
Dan

Best thing about it was it looked clean.  Other than that, the attempts at comedy landed sort of like Sunday on the sidewalk.  Maybe if Captain PC showed up at a Trump rally and his head exploded...

I think the idea of Captain PC had a lot of potential, but the situation you chose didn't make the most of it. The whole transgender rape discussion was pretty weird and not funny IMO, and the events that happened kind of bizarre.

Nicely written but the 3 page setup for Captain PC’s appearance was long and not funny in the slightest for me. Captain PC was funny, I’d recommend getting to him/her quicker. I didn’t buy the leaping off the ledge bit in the slightest. Even if Captain PC can persuade people they can fly in a few sentences, which I highly doubt, why leap off the edge when you can just jump up and give it a try? As soon as Captain PC left it became flat for me so the ending felt weak.  I realise this is comedy but it didn’t work for me, sorry. But it does fit the parameters of the OWC nicely and the character of Captain PC is definitely something worth developing further.  

-Mark

As per Mark above, huge setup. It's only a 6 page challenge so I feel you should be able to cut that down and use the space more economically.

Laugh wise it just didn't click so it falls down there for myself

When I read the log line I thought this one has potential, but like many others on here it was a good idea but didn't do well comedy-wise, I didn't mind the conversation only wished it led to something funny.

Light comedy with a modern subject. It didn't grab me but I'm afraid to say it's nevertheless way up north on the list of the scripts I read. Perhaps a rewrite could make it better. Then I'd cut out the whole CaptainPC guy and focus what story the other interesting characters have to tell here.

Loads of potential here...that didn't amount to much.

Why? Because you positioned your stance on the issue(s) with the ignorant and ill informed. Instead of finding a unique angle, you just repeated the same transphobic rhetoric that so many conservatives have spewed for years. Plus, I doubt Captain PC would call anyone "it." That's a big no no in our ultra pc society.

Look, being anti-pc is totally cool in my book...so long as it's poignant and funny. Nobody comes at Louis CK because he has a creative approach and points out some serious flaws in being PC.

Anyways, not trying to start a debate. I'm simply trying to find why this doesn't work.

Also, women can rape.

Quoted from albinopenguin Loads of potential here...that didn't amount to much. Why? Because you positioned your stance on the issue(s) with the ignorant and ill informed. Instead of finding a unique angle, you just repeated the same transphobic rhetoric that so many conservatives have spewed for years. Plus, I doubt Captain PC would call anyone "it." That's a big no no in our ultra pc society. Look, being anti-pc is totally cool in my book...so long as it's poignant and funny. Nobody comes at Louis CK because he has a creative approach and points out some serious flaws in being PC. Anyways, not trying to start a debate. I'm simply trying to find why this doesn't work. Also, women can rape.

Agree with everything you said.  No need for a debate either.  PC is what it is.  At times, it's good, others it is bad.  Nothing in the world is truly black and white.  Murder is wrong except in self defense.  Stealing is wrong, but, if your kids are hungry, what would you do?

People should live and let live, but, that doesn't extend to pedophiles.  Free speech right?  Try yelling fire in a crowded theater and see if you end up in jail.

Nothing is ever easily black and white.  Life is dirty and complicated, and like Dustin Hoffman said in Hero, you live in layers of bullshit and it's up to you to decide how far down in the bullshit you want to life in.  Very true words.

And yes, women can rape.  I've seen cases here in Buffalo.  

This OWC entry was very odd.

Dan

Unfortunately, the funny never really kicked in for me on this one. I like the idea of Captain PC, but the topics chosen didn’t bring any laughs. And there are so many topics these days to choose from, jumping right into a humorless rape conversation is sort of an unforced error. Names of sports teams, Halloween costumes, being offended at whatever dead person’s picture happens to be on your money… almost any other topic would’ve played better.

I feel a certian duality here. Bear with me.
One side of me says, this is well written and there is some slight amusement at Capn PC's over the top costume, and the setting for this tale is simple, contained and would be fairly cheap to film.

The other half of me says the subject matter isn't funny, it is awkward and misinformed. Capn PC is bland and out characters are done eating but still are eating.

Putting it together, all I can say is that it wasn't for me.

I like the idea of Capt PC but this didn't wasn't comedy for me.

Gave me a couple of chuckles, nice work. I think this need a little bit more work to flesh the idea out to its full potential, but otherwise, this is a well written and decent effort.

I think this is my 2nd to last read, so I'll do my best to stay in...but we've all heard this before.

Opening with "Summer in the city" tells and shows us absolutely nothing...especially because it's night.  Starting the last sentence in this passage with "And" makes no sense at all.

Next passage is poorly written and uses "trendy" again, which reads poorly.

Third passage is very poorly written, missing commas, run-on sentences, poor grammar.  But, worse, is the fact that these 2 characters are just now being intro'd.  Why are they omitted from the first 2 passages?  Bad choice.

Oh, but wait...there's another character also that's being intro'd in the 4th passage.  WTF?

Dialogue is not good.  I see no humor whatsoever so far, and I'm seriously struggling.

Oh man, I'm sorry, but I'm out again...no humor, no comedy, no superheros.

You call it Captain PC but introduced him on page 3.
I think you could hugely trim on talk. You don't get the idea over behind their chat this way - it's lost among the talk.
Maybe you could single out one or two characters and introduce their problem to us.

The beginning seems a bit of clunky. You introduce all of your characters at once...

Once I had "you have 5 comas in one sentence - no good" for feedback. I always remember it and get rid of long sentences. You have 6 comas in one. I don't know if it's right or wrong. Perhaps it's annoying to some - so why have it.

So long as the commas are used correctly then it doesn't matter how many you have.

This isn't my script by the way... but i don't see why some are saying there isn't any comedy in it. There's plenty.

This story could have been handled better... with a title like PC Man I expected a story that centred around the rights and wrongs of being politically correct. Some love it, some hate it with a passion. I'd have liked to see some of that, with the writer's own conclusion as the icing on the cake.

But that's all that's missing from this story. The central idea is sound and ideal for comedy. There is some in this story, but it misses the mark because it isn't as good as it should be. But then, a story like this should take longer than a week to write. For a week's work, this is pretty good.