Johnny Come Lately by I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you… hurt you really bad. - Short, Comedy - The only thing stopping a low level Hero from helping his fellow man is his arch-nemesis, punctuality. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Nice effort on this one in all phases. Met the requirements and had some nice comedic moments.

SPOILER

That's not what my names mean was my favorite.

I do think there was one hero too many - it risks become tedious by the time we got to the end - I think I would delete the quarter guy.

Anyway - one of my favorites so far.

This one was a lot of fun. I really enjoyed all the other superheros -- Aqua-Duct, The Gold Coin, Handy Girl -- fun ideas.

But then I got to thinking about Johnny. His only super power is strength? He can't fly, he can't see into the future. Of course he's going to be late to every crime.

Really nicely done but I think Johnny is at a serious disadvantage as a superhero.

Nice effort.

Also some good visuals in there which can be missed, since they are not punch lines, but would work on screen.

I liked them man in the pisser, The sign my tits, and handy girl's line.

It did have the feel of the incredibles, actually quite similar in parts, but I enjoyed.

Suggestions - the 'too late' part was a bit over played, after a couple we got it, however a montage of these could work to reinforce the message. I would almost have this earlier and then see what he could do about it.

All the best

This felt like a dark spin-off from The Incredibles, no bad thing there...

Well written, though maybe a scene too many, with some very funny lines... Handy Girl's name confusion was a highlight.

Very good effort.

Writer,

Good job with this one. Quite funny in parts and the ending was good. Think this is my favourite so far.

Good job!

Glenn.

So far... this is the best one for me. Really like the way you write. And it was funny. At least for me it was.

Excellent writing and visual stuff. But it was more...amusing and cute than funny. And there is a difference. Well, in my world anyway.

1 laugh out of 10 (ducks for cover)

A great read. Nice visuals, breezy dialogue, overall pretty clever. Maybe not any laugh-out-loud moments but still definitely one of my favorites.

My last one.

Had a few laughs. I like the 'that's not what my name means" :D and few others.

It read pretty easy and was enjoyable.

Good job on entering.

I found it very funny and well written, also the script shows the sophistication of the author, best one so far imo.

My favourite so far. Well written, creative and funny. I love the idea of a world where there are too many heroes.

Great job.

-Mark

I knew this one would be good from the title and logline. Impressive writing and very smart storytelling. This one is a rec.

Liked it. A lot of amusing moments, rather than full blown hilarious, but it ticks all the boxes. I did laugh out loud (rather childishly) at the pissing scene, and you can never have enough Bonnie Tyler so two mentions is two thumbs up from me.

Very nice!!! Thanks for the read.

I could tell you but I'd have to kill you...hurt you really bad,

Like the others have said:  This feels like a scene from The Incredibles.

It is well written but the "joke" goes on for too long.

I would have liked it more if you'd established the joke, then build it up to a finale where he's let down immensely, only to end on a high note with the kid who doesn't have any money.

Congratulations.

Jordan

Not bad. Clever concept with lots of conflict. A little redundant, but stays fun since a new hero appears each time. Each one seems to have had some thought put into them too, which is nice.

The writing itself was a bit much. I thought the asides were corny, and didn't see the point of calling the sun Life Giver. It didn't even seem in character with the world you've created, which really isn't all that different from the real one (minus all the superheroes). I'll let it slide, though. None of it was grating or anything, and a lot of the other writing is actually pretty snappy.

Funny? I don't know. Not for me, perhaps, but the craft is good. At a loss of major gripes though, so again... not bad.

Best one so far.  What the others said is true, it goes on too long.  

But, I love the idea of a world too full of super people.  I think you could have taken it further.  Not sure what the whole Life Giver had to do with anything since you didn't have any aliens in the story, but, that's me.

What stops this from being perfect is that you carry the same joke over and over.  You could have used other jokes that show a different problem, like with Handy Girl's name.  And the alien reference stuff that seems to have no bearing.

8.5/10

Dan

Writer,

Yeah, I see I'm not the only one who got an Incredibles vibe here. I liked this, but your opening sounded almost like this was gonna be a thinker. A drama of sorts. All of your intended humor didn't come off as such to me. More like metaphors explaining Our Heros life. Something with the sun being called Life Giver three me off in this and it just didn't really feel like a comedy. But we'll written and a good read overall.

Steve

I liked this one.  the sad life of a super hero a step slow.  Worked for me.

Impressive fast paced wit.

I would guess the author was not foreign to comedy writing, this had subtle and overt humour and is certainly one of the better OWC' s this round.

Great work.

Definitely enjoyed this one. The Handy Girl line almost had me LOL'ing but I never LOL. Overall super creative and did a lot with the premise. Granted, it gets a bit too redundant for me and there are a few lines (especially in the beginning) that weren't quite necessary. But it had a "cute" premise and a funny twist.

One of the best ones I've read thus far. Nice work!

One of the last couple reads for me.  Let's see if I can make it all the way through...

Page 1 - uh oh...aside attack early on and it's already a bit grating...but maybe this is a pisser...hmmm...let's continue...

Oh boy..."we", "us"...this could be a rough one for me...

Yeah...this one is not for me, so I'll bow out on the top of Page 2.  I can see how some will appreciate this "smart, witty voice" on display here, but it's not working for me in any way, and I have better things to do than be beaten over the head with this writer's "look at me" writing.

Dreamscale, how has it taken you this long to get through them when you generally seem to stop at page 1 or 2??

I know there's no monetary gain in all this and it's just supposed to be a bit of fun, but you could at least finish them if you're going to comment. Personally speaking I don't think you can offer a comment unless you've read it,. You don't even know how it pans out, but somehow you feel comfortable enough to pass judgement on a whole script, seriously?

This isn't my work by the way, just annoyed at reading you've bailed out early again but still feel the need to tell us all about it

A simple story well-told.  The writing had a confidence that made me feel like the writer was in full control the whole time and knew exactly where he/she was going with this.  It was more clever than funny, but that's okay.  You can tell the writer put some real work into this one.

Quoted from Cameron Dreamscale, how has it taken you this long to get through them when you generally seem to stop at page 1 or 2?? I know there's no monetary gain in all this and it's just supposed to be a bit of fun, but you could at least finish them if you're going to comment. Personally speaking I don't think you can offer a comment unless you've read it,. You don't even know how it pans out, but somehow you feel comfortable enough to pass judgement on a whole script, seriously? This isn't my work by the way, just annoyed at reading you've bailed out early again but still feel the need to tell us all about it

Well...I didn't enter a script, so my reading or reviewing is far from required or expected.

I have a job and a life and reading and reviewing scripts is not at the top of my priority list, but by tomorrow, I will have them all finished...I think.

I'm sorry if my words fall on deaf ears for you, but they'll help alot of peeps, whether they realize it or want to admit it.

Dreamscale,

Unreserved apologies, I'd assumed you'd entered, but if you haven't (and therefore don't get a vote) then yep you giving away some of your spare time for a read is a well done to you.

Your comment on mine was actually helpful, think I didn't really see the point in the "look at me writing" comment which coupled with another few one page reads got me hot under the collar. But again apologies, you don't have to read them all, and in going through them fair play to yourself.

Quoted from Cameron Dreamscale, Unreserved apologies, I'd assumed you'd entered, but if you haven't (and therefore don't get a vote) then yep you giving away some of your spare time for a read is a well done to you. Your comment on mine was actually helpful, think I didn't really see the point in the "look at me writing" comment which coupled with another few one page reads got me hot under the collar. But again apologies, you don't have to read them all, and in going through them fair play to yourself.

No problem.  Over the years, I've heard much, much worse.

We all have our little pet peeves and I have trouble holding in my feelings when I see these on display.  As I think I said, I know there are some, maybe many who appreciate the  writing I despise, so all words need to be taken with a grain or a couple shaker fulls of salt.

Other than my pet peeves, I do try and help, although my way of providing help isn't always appreciated and I completely understand that.

Peace out.

Quoted from Cameron Dreamscale, how has it taken you this long to get through them when you generally seem to stop at page 1 or 2?? I know there's no monetary gain in all this and it's just supposed to be a bit of fun, but you could at least finish them if you're going to comment. Personally speaking I don't think you can offer a comment unless you've read it,. You don't even know how it pans out, but somehow you feel comfortable enough to pass judgement on a whole script, seriously? This isn't my work by the way, just annoyed at reading you've bailed out early again but still feel the need to tell us all about it

In defense of Jeff (which he doesn't need) some of us really delve deep into the script.  Is everything correct?  I mean every space, line, word, tense, etc.  Reading a page and breaking it down can be very exhausting.  And if there are errors, it can really slow you down.

I know I've read a few scripts that took quite a while to get past page 1 because it was so bizarre.  So, I can imagine him having issues getting to page 2 when he looks for errors to help the writer.

Plus, he didn't enter, so, that's super cool of him to even take that time.

Dan

“My son loves you!/ Sign my tits!“

It occurred to me that this would be funnier if the slash was removed, implying it was same person saying both lines.

I liked this one a lot. One of my favorites. Probably one too many superheros in this thing. The rule of three might be applying here. But I like the ultimate set-up and payoff. It’s a complete story and rises to the top because of it.

PISSER! There's a character named Pisser in this script. Cool. Was this overwritten on purpose?

I liked this one. I think you could have condensed more of the action where Johnny is one-upped and maybe played more on his redemption. I wanted to see some kind of redemption but that fell a little flat. The more Johnny was one-upped the funnier it got. Nice job.

I liked the intro and the Johnny character.

There's one big problem here for me: some scripts deal with a lot of extras, which is fine; but here are like 25 characters jumping in, having lines, appearing, and then disappearing forever. Does not work for me at all, but others seem to love it, so what...

I know I'm not exactly a regular around here, but I figured I'd own up to this one.

Was just a seed of an idea that I sat down and tried to flesh out.  I was gonna do a once over to try and add "laugh out loud" moments, but i thought the "humorous" tone worked.  

thanks to all who liked it.  appreciate it

Nice work... one of my three recommends.

Yeah, great job. I'm going to reread it.

Well done... I really enjoyed this one, came in 2nd in my ratings, and seems to be a lot of people's no. 1. Great work !

thanks guys

Great work mate, also I'll reiterate my compliments on the use of Bonnie Tyler. If there's one thing I never saw coming from this challenge it was the husky voiced Welsh one

Yeah, good job.  How did you like some of the other scripts?

The idea of a world full of "useful" superhero types was a cool one in dead.  It'd be easy to shoot.  Easily one of the best (IMO).

Dan

ps, so what was the life bearer?  You didn't seem to have aliens, so, I didn't get why that was even in the script.

Quoted from DanC Yeah, good job.  How did you like some of the other scripts? The idea of a world full of "useful" superhero types was a cool one in dead.  It'd be easy to shoot.  Easily one of the best (IMO). Dan ps, so what was the life bearer?  You didn't seem to have aliens, so, I didn't get why that was even in the script.

i'd be lying if I said I put a ton of thought into it.  I guess I just wanted to allude to the fact his power derives from the sun Superman style, but he never really has a chance to use it.  "Power Giver" didn't have a good ring to it.  I guess I should have said "power source" or something, b/c "life" is confusing.  ... plus, i was just trying to be cute i guess.

Congratulations and in my top three, a worthy winner.