Swag by Hank of W - Short, Comedy - {no logline} 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hank... You're not supposed to put your name to the script!!

A few formatting issues here. And the run of capitals on page 4 was confusing. Was this a montage of shots?

The plot got somewhat confusing for me in the last couple of pages, with Whatever Man and Capt Excuse and Dark Surrender. I didn't really get how they fitted in to the story, metaphors, perhaps? Sorry, it may be me, it's 1.40 am where I am at the moment.

Lots of problems on display, beginning with the opening Slug.

Writing is downright strange - punctuation off, grammar off...just tough to read, which is the main reason I stopped on Page 2.

Not remotely funny to me either, but I would have continued if the writing was even half decent.

Sorry, not for me.

Laughed at the opening slug, just because it's N. Korea.

Feeling a little put off half way down the first page as the writing needs to be improved. Not only that, but I'm also getting the hint that this script will be too jingoistic for my tastes.

Groaning at the mockery of the Chinese accent. It's very 1980s. I think this could work in some circles, but it's scraping-the-bottom-of-the-barrel comedy. I'm trying to see the funny side... but this one is way over my head.

I think there's something here, the way you relate each hero to the nation's feelings. It just needs some major clarifying.

No Logline

Not really a laugh out loud and seems to be set up for more than 6 pages.

The writing was pretty good, the story ok.

Good job on entering

This was a tough read for me and I didn't get the humor. I also got confused in the last couple pages. Not sure what was going on.

I agree with the other comments.  I lost interest.  It seemed odd.  It wasn't funny.  

I mean what's funny OH SPOILERS
about Hawaii getting nuked
and the loss of hope?

How is any of that funny?  

And I couldn't follow it...

Sorry, but, I stayed to the end, and got no real payoff.

Dan

Lots of format and punctuation errors - perhaps forgivable in an OWC. But to overlook them - the payoff needs to be bigger.

The YODA dialogue was a bit tedious as well as the broken Asian dialogue. Not sure you can overlay a nuclear holocaust in a comedy and get away with it - just not for me I guess.

Lots of typos and format errors etc but lets see if the story holds anything...

Well there's a sort of downbeat grimness that reminds me of Watchmen and SWAG feels a little like he'd fit in that universe... but I didn;t see anything funny in this - sorry, not for me.

- NORTH KOREA - This has been mentioned already, but... really? Perhaps this is supposed to be stupid, but I don't think it's funny enough to justify its existence.

- Disappointed with the inclusion of John Kerry (you don't mention his last name, but who are we kidding?). I was a transcriber and had to listen to this dude blither on at congressional meetings A LOT. I would've appreciated a satirical take on his persona, but from the first line, I could tell this would be a different character entirelyl. A missed opportunity IMO. The "wet noodle" line gave me a chuckle though. The real Kerry isn't exactly Mr. Charisma himself.

- "I always call, unless I raise" - Huh?

...and I stopped taking notes here.

The broken English is rich, because some of the lines from non-North Korean officials read like broken English. Either that or you were shooting for some specific kind of slang that I couldn't identify. As a result, I had no idea what kind of stereotype Swag was supposed to emulate. The way he spoke wasn't even consistent.

The action lines were sloppy. So were the slugs. Everything read like they were written in a rush. Some instances, you can't even tell what's supposed to be onscreen, and there're a lot of strange word choices peppered throughout. In one instance, I thought Swas was supposed to be scissoring his costume instead of cutting it up (honestly thought that was the type of humor that might show up in this script).

There seems to be some attempt at social commentary in the second half. Honestly I thought some of the ideas were clever (WHATEVER MAN, CAPTAIN EXCUSE), but I don't think they were earned or even thought out properly. At the same time, they're different. Might be worth another look and perhaps even a shot at a new iteration of this script, albeit written from scratch with more planning... a lot more planning.

Other than that, what can I say, man? A mess.

Hank,

Sorry, got to page 3 and couldn't keep going. Mocking accents and the like isn't really what I look for when I want a laugh. Also, it was becoming quite a chore to read.

Good luck.

Glenn.

Loved the line 'gets mad head from two hookers', lol!

I think this is written in a deliberate way as James pointed out so the grammar errors shouldn't really be frowned upon. I guess it highlights the absurd - it does have a Dr Strangelove feel near the end.  A few laughs but not quite enough.

4 laughs out of 10

The first slug says late. What does late mean, exactly? Late in the night or late in the day Also INT. NORTH KOREA isnt right either. You need a super for that, ironically.

I know pissers were allowed, and for some reason that's how it came across to me. Then came the ALL CAPS and I was out. Nothing to see here. Not funny either.

Writer,

Not really a comedy. Not really but -- Swags dialogue when he exits the meeting room is priceless. Where the hookers at. Then it went all over the place, and, did I read wrong or were you getting preachy towards the end? Very good writing here, though. Just not a comedy I could get into.

Steve

Not for me.  Didn't find it humorous but then dystopian tales are rarely a barrel of monkeys.  

Hey Hank,

Not going to go over the formating stuff, it's there and that's an issue. I liked the writing, no proper fully on funny moments for me but it certainly wasn't a bad read. Maybe with a larger page count you could expand on it a bit to even it out, seems a bit all over at the moment.

Anyway, good effort mate

Yoda through me off balance for a bit but I did like Swag at first until he did the racist monologue. There’s a huge tone shift after the nukes go off and it gets very serious and seriously confusing. Sorry , not one for my tastes.

-Mark

Points for weirdness here. I liked Swag in his apartment, frustrated as shit. Most of it went over my head. Seems you created a fanciful vision here and I always choose risk over boring and safe stuff. Just work on how to get it into our heads.

The writing needs some work, but I quite like the idea of a superhero who represents America’s occasional cockiness towards foreign policy. There’s a clever satire to be had here, but it needs some work to fully come through.

It doesn’t seem right for Swag to realize his mistake and want to change, though. Seems like Swag wouldn’t have that kind of insight. I do however, like the implication that Swag is the cause of problems that only he himself can fix, like a self-fulfilling prophesy.

There’s no real laughs, but it’s a comedy in that it’s fairly dark satire. Overall it needs work, particularly in aspects of the writing (some of which are probably attributable to length), but the ideas are there.