Nigel Cheats Death by Some Human Type Person - Short, Comedy - An alien encounter brings unexpected consequences for Nigel and his wife. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

A vorpal mimsy - never been called that before, well not in my hands...:-)

This improved with time and the superhero part was at first weak, but then delivers. Is the bar scene needed or could that have been avoided? Not sure,  it was mainly exposition, although it did work and helped set up the rest, but if this were being filmed they may wish to simplfy.

I think we could have done with some foreshadow, if his skill is now sexual attraction. And that could have been funny. But these are nick picks, it did well.

Not bad. Love the last line.

Didn't convince me. First of all, I think this doesn't really qualify as a superhero script. Rather some satiric scifi, reminded me of a Louis de Funes film where aliens would land because they needed his cabbage soup as fuel. But this wasn't half as funny to me. It's well written and easy to read, but it didn't make me laugh.

it is cleanly written. I did have a problem with the bar scene dragging. And I think I get what his super power is but I'm not sure.

A little less at the bar. A little more clarity in places.

Mixed feelings on this. Good setup and all but didn't really carry it through.

1 laugh out of 10

Well written and funny in places but not convinced it really qualifies due to a lack of a true superhero.

Powers over your wife to have sex with you, if that's not a superhero I don't know what is :D

It was an easy read and I enjoyed it. A few laughs here and there.

Good job on entering

Writer,

Not bad at all. I liked your writing, descriptive. Had a good sense of place. One funny moments in there too. Just not sure of the superhero arc. I got his superpower, but he didn't right a wrong... Actually he did. Lack of sex. Overall, pretty decent. Good job here.

Steve

Some Human Type Person,

Not a bad little story here. His superpower though? He can turn his wife into a beautiful woman that's gagging for it? I dunno. Some funny parts but nothing amazing. Decent.

Glenn.

Ah, the old translator is broken gag, I do like those.

A humorous, well-written tale. I do like this, my only Bandersnatch is Nigel doesn’t seem to become a superhero. I read that but at the end as Alice returning to reward him for rescuing her, as she says vorpal mimsy. Apart from that this is a funny enjoyable rompenstompernuble.  

-Mark

Starting with the writing and forgetting the parameters of the challenge- I give it an A-plus. Very well crafted. The preciseness and the efficiency of the descriptions allowed the author to pack a whole lot of story into six pages. I am guessing that this author crushes other genres. A lot of talent. That being said - I didn't laugh. Maybe that's on me.

There was one bit of dialogue that I didn't like:

Quoted Text CLOVIS You rescue an alien and they give you superpowers! Everyone knows this. A super suit! Glowing jewelry that makes ridiculous objects appear out of thin air!

Aside from being too OTN, I even question the premise - does everyone really know that when you rescue an alien they give you super powers??

Anyway - I am torn on this one - thought the writig was fabulous - the humor not quite there.

Page 1 - When you give a character description, you must set it off with commas - here you did not, and you ended this passage with an orphan (just not a good way to start).

"..the last of drop of..." - Huh?  Typo?

You end Page 1 with another orphan, which in a 6 page script can be an issue.

Missing a period after "dashboard".  Usually, with this many issues on Page 1, I'd be out but I'm staying in.

Page 2 - another orphan.

"still dripping" - Huh?  Basically, you have a double Slug going on, as "EXT. NIGEL'S CAR" is really the same as "EXT CLEARING", so the first Slug should be replaced by the "CLEARING" Slug.

"magazine" - HUH?  What magazine?

Oh boy, now we go back to the EXT NIGEL'S CAR Slug?  WTF?

Slug work is really problematic!!!  I may have to bail.

Yeah, I'm out.  Sorry...

I thought it was kinda funny.  Not sure what the super power is.  The alien did everything.  Not him.

It had a funny exposition as a joke telling story, but, not much else.

Sorry, but, I can't rate this b/c I don't see a superpower.

Dan

Quoted from DanC Sorry, but, I can't rate this b/c I don't see a superpower.

There doesn't have to be a superpower... and in this one there actually is a superpower, anyway.

The pacing with this one is all wrong. The alien doesn't leave until page 4 and then he goes to a pub where a bloke talks about superpowers. The pub scene just isn't necessary. the good bit is the superpower but we only get to see it right at the end.

How a story like this should go is, protag meets alien, alien gives him superpower, superpower ends up doing more harm than good.

The end bit doesn't have to be like that, but there should be three stages to your structure. Yours only really has two.

Not too bad, well written but just not enough full blown laughs for myself

With all due respect for Lewis Carrol.  Wasn't quite what I expected.  The super power thing doesn't really come to the fore until the end, and I'm not sure it qualifies.  Decently written.

Not sure about the superhero aspect but is was a decent read. (not sure why people can't get to the end of a 6 page script?)

The problem I had was that it didn't stand out enough.  The super power, which wasn't really, came right at the end and so everything before it was build up.  A superhero script/story should be about the powers and this wasn't.

This was more of an alien visitation comedy than a superhero laugher.  Bu the real problem is the way in which the story meandered up until the gag we all expected at the end.  Nigel could have received his powers by page 2, and then spent the rest of his time either discovering or exploiting his abilities.   Oh, and Nigel never actually cheated death, did he?

The first part of the story I didn't like. The alien thing about had me running off to a bar. Her name is Alice? Says who? The most important element in the invasion setup is that wrist device Alice was wearing. Maybe she leaves it behind and Nigel wears it.

Now if Nigel had gone from the crash site to his bedroom, I would have thrown up. that bar scene, for me, was needed. I wanted to hear those locals joke around with Nigel. But I thought there should have been a payoff in the bar. Maybe things happen after Nigel leaves. Kind of a precursor to what's awaiting him at home.

I see potential here. Could have offered more humor, but I liked the direction it travels. It didn't quite arrive, as written, but a solid rewrite would be appreciated.  Nice job.

I'm with others on the superhero issue. This one barely squeaks by in that department. That segues into another issue of why you didn't skip the bar and go straight to Nigel's house. You could've developed the superhero angle more there (obviously that's where it has to happen), and all the foreshadowing of Nigel's wife at the bar is wasted because by the time you get home, you barely have time for a payoff.

The idea of creating a language out of words made up by Lewis Carroll is funny, but more so because Jabberwocky only has so many of them and most of the poem is in English anyway. Not a very flexible language, it seems, especially if you're sinking one of the few words you've got on yet another lame dick reference (why are there so many of these in this OWC?). Also had a hard time figuring out where this is supposed to be set. The beginning felt like rural USA, but getting into the second half, some references suggested the UK. UK writer trying to write rural USA? We'll see.

Anyway, this was okay. Not funny, but weird. Almost like a reverse of Earth Girls are Easy but with less sex. I'll take it... except the less sex, I suppose.

To me, your script reads like an adventure story driven by mystery, suspense, questions (what fireball—what spaceship—what awaits him at home) with humorous sidelines only. It also misses completely the superhero angle.

But I definitely respect if that's what you found for the challenge, then so be it. The bar scene was far too long. In general, I think I found the second half of the script not so good. Overall, I still liked the tone of the story as it was.

It was okay for me. The writing is pretty good - only a couple of missing periods and grammar errors.  Clean, actually pretty entertaining with a fun payoff at the end.  The superhero part was pretty much non-existent.  I guess he can transform average women into sexy women? Or just his wife?  Not clear there, but still a good effort here.

Verdict: Consider

Gary

Pretty good story. More humorous in tone than joke filled. Not sure if the last line is funny enough to really be the pay-off. I’ll have to mull this one over. It’s a decent story set-up/payoff-wise, but underwhelming overall.

This was pretty middle of the road for me. Honestly, I didn't find the overall arc to be very humorous let alone entertaining. Writing seemed good enough. Sorry to say this, but this one is just...forgettable.

The premise is very funny and so is some of the dialog. Actually I found a lot of dialog funny and laughed at his conversation with the alien woman. The ending is funny too.

I think his wife, her bitching and all should be in the set up. We don't know anything about her and the ending creeps up unexpected that way. I know it's not supposed to be predictable, but bitchy wife won't give away anything.

It was an easy read, not many characters. You could get rid of either man or a woman in a bar scene if the director asks.
I noticed long scene heading "clearing around..." or something - just say clearing and that would be enough I think.

Nice job.

Nothing really different to add. This was written well for the most part but the superhero aspect was virtually non-existent. Ending seemed a bit rushed, if it were reworked this short could be pretty solid.