Monsanto Man by 0 - Short, Comedy - Kirk is exposed to chemicals and radiation at a Monsanto plant giving him powers to cause plants to grow extremely fast. But can he escape from the Monsanto people before they harness him for their own greedy purposes?  6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Long logline... We don't know who Kirk is, usually best to leave the name off.

Not easy to keep track, but funny in parts like Rhonda pissed with everyone making themselves feel welcome in her house..

Overall it was pretty good, not the greatest writing but still it worked

Good job on entering

Some errors, especially at the beginning with typos and incorrect words or tense.

Parts were really funny.  His girlfriend was the best part of the story.

It was funny.  If you look past the errors, it had some good dialog.  Again, his GF was the best part of the story.

6.5/10

Dan

The idea behind it is funny and original but Mosanto Man is not something for me.
I think its because the way it started. I don't see the question here, don't stay suspenced. So I don't know what to wish for when I read it.
I see the Mosanto Man running away - but I'm not engaged because I don't know him, thus it's hard to root for him.

Writer,

Seems very rushed. Still, it's fun in a quirky way, but I found this to be more action/adventure rather than comedy. A few site gags that have  me a smile or two, but that's about it.

Steve

Look, I tried to get into this but couldn't. Great concept but...I started skimming and when that happens in a 6 page short then there's a problarmo

0 laughs out of 10

Tough to follow the story. He's for some reason talking on the phone with a reporter rather than calling the police or better yet running away... random people are showing up at his house... it's just too scattered.

Need to focus it and hone the dialogue. Stick with him and the girlfriend. Maybe open on him running into the house, going on about this crazy story while she's all confused. Then he shows her his powers, Monsanto people roll up looking for him, they escape in a vehicle... something like that.

    

Probably not the cheapest one to film, but that wasn't a criteria.

A few writing and format issues, but mainly the issue is a lack of focus. You have six pages, well for this challenge, so keep it limited and simple.

Making things grow fast, sound idea. Now where would that be difficult and funny??

All the best

Was a bit scattershot for my taste, didn't have the laughs I was looking for.  So he winds up as a pot grower with huge plants. Is that a superhero power or just some sort of a mutant thing?  The writing was okay, just needed a little oomph in the humor department.

Verdict: pass

THanks for entering - best of luck.

Gary

I found my attention starting to stray around page 2.  The idea was pretty good, but the story didn't feel cohesive enough.  Might have worked better if Kirk was just a guy trying to grow weed at home and failing miserably and then he gained his powers.  

First - many kudos for a great premise - the power to grow plants - nice!

It fell off the rails for me at Orgasmo man - there was simply no need to introduce other super heroes and it derailed what was otherwise a solid premise.

I just couldn't get into this one, not sure why I guess it just didn't flow for me.

There wasn't really anything funny about this.  It was just on the other side of funny.  It was almost there, but...alas.

I wish you had done more with the Monsanto angle.  Irradiated corn was good but you could have taken is so much further.

Congrats.

Jordan

I don't know if it was just because this was rushed, but there's a lot of issues in this script.

Typos, grammar, slug lines, dialogue, there's a lot of mistakes here.

Make sure your characters don't all sound the same. If you're going to have a particular speaking style e.g. "Wha'd ya" (which is incorrect, but that's another issue) don't have multiple characters saying it.

Interesting concept, but I didn't find this that funny.

Had possibilities but ran into cliche after a while.  Nice super power though.  

This one wasn't for me, had a couple of smiles going but that was pretty much it. Good job nonetheless. Introducing Orgasmo man is pretty much what killed it for me

This one felt rushed – typos, clumsy action and some bad dialogue. I’m sure all that can be fixed with the next draft.

I was actually into this first half of this. The running through the field and Monsanto Man using his powers to escape was actually quite thrilling with some funny elements. I don’t think I’ve read a script in this OWC where the protagonist actually uses their powers as much. Once he started to talk to his girlfriend and the others turned up I started to lose the plot and the ending was unsatisfactory.

A very decent effort and it’s very brave of you to insinuate Monsanto in such a fashion way. I expect you’ll disappear soon and never be seen or heard of again!

-Mark

Original and the writing worked,  also some funny bits. I enjoyed the read but just not enough proper laughs to get my vote, good effort though

- Issues right out the gate. Are we seeing a computer monitor spinning against a black background, or are we seeing a spinning *image* ON a still computer monitor? It seems like the latter.

As for the video itself, why a warehouse? Why plants in the warehouse? Special kind of warehouse? How are the plants arranged? Are they in containers of some sort, e.g. crates, or growing out of the warehouse floor?

Too many questions. Only half the image is set up here. The point is clear though: Green Thumb Man on the loose. In that case, why not put him in a fucking garden? Unless he's making plants grow from nothing, in which case the line "Every plant he touches grows..." is problematic, as it implies preexisting plants.

You do answer all of the questions with a line from Kirk further down the page, but well after the information is needed. Make it clear. Was really hoping not to spend a lot of time on format with these scripts, but your clarity is a bust from the getgo. Not promising. Moving on...

- Issues subside a bit after the first slug, but still a few. You mention it's "pretty much nothing but a cross road," but then suddenly there's a building, a cornfield, and railroad tracks, which come into play pretty much immediately. Would've been nice to know off the bat just to have a sense of the space.

--

A little clunky, this one. It starts out pretty dynamic with the car chase, but ends with a lot of exposition, which makes the whole thing feel kinda lopsided. The ending also feels rushed and like a chunk of something bigger. As a result, the script feels like an overly truncated version of another script and lacks a sense of being self-contained.

The ratio of action to comedy was off as well. The action was played pretty straight for the most part and seemed the driving force of the plot, as opposed to the comedy being that force. The comedy also felt tonally inconsistent with the rest of the script, especially since Kirk's superpowers felt like that of a *real,* non-comedic character. No laughs from me either, although the spit/urine bit was pretty clever.

I did like his powers BTW. Indeed, this feels like the first script I've read where the character could easily be transplanted into a non-comedic work. They were actually pretty useful, and it'd be really easy to build a plot around them, even a feature-length one. Grow Man wasn't a bad name either (for starters, anyway).

Mixed bag. Cool powers though. Might be worth looking deeper into.

Monsanto Man as a good guy is a new and interesting take. Not that I'm not aware of both sides of the argument. Which is kinda what I was hoping for when I opened this... a satirical take with a witty conclusion. This fails in that. Interesting concept and worth having a rethink.

Kirk this, Kirk that..over and over.  ARGH!!!

Writing is not good.  All sorts of mistakes...everywhere.  Story is beyond whacky and going ev ery direction possible.  Dialogue is extremely poor...like pisser quality poor.

Huh?  Why are all these peeps showing up at whoever's house this is?  Is the house in TX?  WTF?  I'm lost...and I'm out.

The phone call at the beginning seemed like an exposition dump. I like the superpower you chose, but I started to get really confused when Tim arrived. There’s so many characters here, I don’t know what any of them want, and the way they’re interacting is just odd. Why is Tim faking a yawn? Why did Kirk let him in without asking who he is? Kirk’s being chased by people, he’d be cautious here.

I kind of like the gag at the end where he just uses his powers to get high, but it was a long way to go for that joke. I think this is another case where simplifying would do a lot of good. Also, except for spitting on the ground when cornered, Kirk doesn’t do anything to get himself out of trouble. The plot basically knocks on his door and says, “Hi, I’m here to resolve myself.”

0,

Began skimming through this at page 3. Wasn't doing anything for me and didn't find anything funny. It's an interesting concept that maybe you should play around with.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

My favorite kind of powers so far. I'm sorry to say but after the chase in the corn field it's gone south... Your story's not fully coming though yet, to me.

Kudos for the creativity to invent that hero.

Okay, well, not that the writers and winners have been announced . . .
Figured I was gonna get nailed for introducing Orgasi-Man that late in the game.
Still trying to spot the grammar and tense errors. I can only find something on page six where the typo "SO" should be "So".
Yes, it's rushed. I only had six pages. Yes, I could have done better with the slug lines.
Correct, I should not have named the main character in the Log line. Thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks to MarkRenshaw for the support. Sheeeyah. Right.