Holding Out For by Teddy Beer - Short, Comedy - Cometh the hour... Forgot the next bit. Carl is at a bus stop. A young lady arrives. Then her boyfriend. He's a bit tense. To say the least. So tense you could camp overnight in him. Carl does what he has to do. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Not really a  comedy didn't laugh at all ... just a tense drama kind of.

Good writing though.

Good job on entering

Writer,

Yeah. I read through all this and there's no comedy in sight. Maybe they do it different across the puddle.

Steve

Teddy,

You used 7 pages to set up something that should have taken 2.  Far too much dialogue, not enough visuals.

The Shane Blackism didn't read funny, more lazy.

No humor in this.

Congratulations on finishing a script though.

Jordan

Well, I don't see any comedy here at all in the first 2 pages and based on the other reviews, looks like it continues that way.

The writing style is a real turnoff for me, which is why I jumped out so quick.  Another writer who has chosen the dark side, omitting subjects in most lines, trying to be witty, overwriting like he's being paid by the word.  Just doesn't work - the 2 pages I read felt like 4 and so very little happened.

Didn’t read like a comedy, it seemed quite serious.

I honestly don’t see any reason for the 7 pages. There’s a lot of micro-direction for the actors, most of which can easily be cut or written in a much leaner way. The build-up to the fight takes forever and is quite detailed. There’s no twists or surprises.

Sorry, this one didn’t work for me.

-Mark

I see a number of ways to clean this to 6 pages. Problem is, it still wouldn't be a comedy.
Sorry, not my thing.

I wonder who wrote this? Has a certain style.

Quite like the set up but it felt like you didn't know where to take it. Plus it sinned - went over the page length!

Would be interesting to see where you could take it. The script, not the bus. Well not that bus...

I wonder who wrote this? Has a certain style.

Quite like the set up but it felt like you didn't know where to take it. Plus it sinned - went over the page length!

Would be interesting to see where you could take it. The script, not the bus. Well not that bus...

Sorry again, but, not a comedy.  It was well written, but, it failed the challenge.  I guess it had one laugh, but, that's it.

5/10

Dan

This had the feel of a script that was written previously and slightly adjusted to try and fit this challenge. How is this guy a superhero? Was it because he had some sort of costume under his clothes? Doesn't really meet the requirements IMO, and the comedy is lacking.

Aside from that, it's way, way overwritten. Not a fan of trying to be cute with all the needless asides in the description. Especially when you've gone over the page count and there's so much that's easy to cut and would make the script flow better.

Less of a story and more like a fantasy one would have while waiting for the bus. However, I don't see why this was 7 pages. Come on Teddy Beer, you could have EASILY trimmed this down. Super frustrating to say the least.

That being said, it wasn't very funny or interesting. Just not my cup of tea. However, the writing wasn't bad.

Does a comedy have to be in-your-face "funny" every step of the way? I thought this script had a comic undertone as it moved toward the Verne-Carl bit, which was funny. As for going over, I didn't notice. In many of the others I've read, I kept looking to see if the end was near. Not this one.

It fell apart in the middle. Well written, just a long winded rescue at a bus stop. Like a save the cat moment stretched out into 7 pages. No need to go over the page count here, the middle is extremely bloated.

Not comedic, but maybe a drama with a touch of humor. I enjoyed the read.  I guess expectations were low from all of the other reader hits. Not a lot of story for 6+ pages, so trimming down would be in order. Outside of the challenge, I like your style.

Writing is too poetic. Could be a book. I didn't laugh. The story was predictable and chivalrous.

Doesn’t seem to be much comedy here. The scene's played pretty straight forward. Unfortunately the scene is also pretty repetitive, and for a script that went over the page count, that’s not good.

I also don’t see a superhero in this thing. With no comedy, no superhero and going over the page count, this is a pretty odd entry.

The opening reads as if a very experienced drama writer is at work here.

The unnecessary back and forth between Verne and Carl was quite dragging. The following fight wasn't that precise either. The single comparisons to movie characters, which ended whole action paragraphs, somehow distracted me from what was actually happening.

That said: there were also a lot of good dialogues and authentic interactions between the characters. The core, to me, read more as a piece from the drama section. Superpowers were not convincing me. The greeting Batman was smart and funny. I tend to think you had more fun writing your story that skillful, as looking for an ambitious impact regarding the result--- which is completely fine.

Teddy Beer,

This definitely could have been shortened to fit the challenges parameters. On screen, I don't think this would be all that funny. The funny stuff was all stuffed into the action lines and didn't all work either. All that happened, really, was one guy threatening to fight the other for chatting up his bird. And that guy made smart comments back to him. Don't think that's enough for a story to interest most viewers. All in all, a bit forgettable.

Good luck,

Glenn.

I couldn't quite place if this was meant to be set in the US or not, at first I thought it was but then some of the dialogue seemed very British...

The action had some funny elements, made me smile and I liked Batman driving past in a crap old car (Only Fools & Horses reference?)

But there wasn;t enough comedy in the dialogue for me.

Good effort though.

Hey, I love how you manage to make me love Carl and hate Verne just in 7 pages. Nice characterization!