Inkspot by Lucas Larkin - Short, Comedy - Using a dimensional portal,An army of super-villains puts a real world city under siege. A comic book artist finds a way to stop them - by becoming a rather unexpected superhero himself. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

Writer,

Up to page 4 and I haven't really seen any comedy yet. I'm gonna cut out here, as there's nothing to suggest that any comedy might be coming our way. Good effort, though. And pretty good writing. If page count was an issue for you there is a lot I see that can be trimmed.

Steve

Yeah the humor is definitely lacking. Overall decent writing though. Just having one villain (Blue Cricket) terrorizing the city instead of a bunch of random villains would have helped with the page count.

Lucas,

I made it to the flashback and bowed out.

It took a lot of effort to make it that far since nothing funny was happening.  Lucas was simply walking around.

Congratulations on finishing a script.

Jordan

I don't  have a problem with you going over the page count, I know others will.
What I do have a problem with is the lack of comedy. There was none as far as I could see, maybe I missed it.

The story itself with Blue Cricket was a little drawn out.
Sorry not for me

Good Job on entering.

A page or two over - don't be shocked if folks keep good on their word and skip you by for a bit. I think you could have tightened this up just a tad- a page at least. I still would give some OWC over the six a shot, but it seems there's only two or three of them out of the 30 something.

Yeah, you're gonna take a hit and that's a shame because the writing's not too horrible overall.

The joke, however, gets lost in the shuffle somewhere, unless a bad guy snatching lunchbox pies from little kids is supposed to be funny(?).  but if I had to take a wild guess the joke is...

A new  hero who stains spandex costumes with a paintball gun?

It's over the limit, and isn't really funny.  That's too much to overcome.

Sorry, this didn't work for me, and I had trouble following it...

Dan

I could get over the page count if this tickled my funny bone but it didn't. Some serious creative juices flowing in this one, I'll give you that, but it didn't work for me, sorry.

-Mark

It's not bad writing, and the makings of a decent story here, but it does not really meet the comedy part of the challenge. Also going 2 pages over the page limit sort of puts the script on the back foot immediately. There are many scripts on here, including mine, that would have truly benefited from 2 extra pages to develop the characters, storyline, payoff etc.

Not for me sorry.

It's over the page limit, and there's not really any laughs. Sorry but not for me

A full 2 pages too long...completely unacceptable!

Your opening is beyond goofy anyways, so maybe it's a good thing I can get out this easy.

Unfortunately this script is longer than 2 pages so it's out of the running for me.

That being said, I read the first few pages and it's not bad. Not very funny, but just because something isn't haha funny doesn't mean it can't be hehe funny. Maybe there's a punchline at the end, but unfortunately I lost interest.

Scanned the end, doesn't seem like any real pay off.

Writing is solid however and easy to follow (except for a few spots here and there).

Didn't tickle my funny bone. This one needs a lot of work to make it great. Good luck.

I got confused about what was happening. Didn't seem to come together but I think the premise was interesting.

I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but you went over the page count ;)

This was more a traditional superhero story than a comedy one. It was pretty clever and decently told, but its few attempts at witty banter didn’t really connect with me. The page count is extra unfortunate because I think you could’ve cut the flashback scenes and lost nothing. This probably would’ve got you pretty close. In a slightly different challenge this might have done well, in this one though, it comes up short.

You give the bodybuilder-hero a name but refuse to do so with the woman, only two shots before. That's uneven.

I'm on page 5. This is challenging to follow. There are so many details, that I can't say which one is important, which one is not. You raise many questions and instead of paying us off and answer - you raise more questions. Okay, finally there's some payoff and explanation, good.

...though, never saw the melt woman again I think...

What can I say???

You clearly dived into this world and brought some stuff back to the pages of this script which felt passionate. There's just a lot of clearness missing. Too many topics make the reader insecure and lose trust in you. There was a constantly who? How? Did I miss this or that – switching back and forth through your script- of me.

Try to connect your fantasy with a more purist presentation and you'll do better imo. Get rid of some quantity and let us stay on eye-level with fewer subjects you handle in depth...

Not bad, different stuff.

Writer,

So I bailed on this initially, but since I have some time now I came back. Sorry to say that many of the same issues from before continue onward and through the rest of the script. It's way overwritten, and like I'd suggested, a LOT of stuff can be trimmed. You probably could have made the page count. Now aside from page count, you did follow the parameters as your superhero was original. But you're still lacking in the comedy department. I see your attempts at comedy, but they need work. Nothing edgy here, and a few funny line could have picked this up a bit. Still, good attempt. Just wasn't for me.

Steve

Lucas Larkin,

Found it hard to keep going with this one. Not funny and too long and unnecessary. Again, could easily have been trimmed down to meet the six page limit. Not for me.

Glenn.

I see you've tried to insert some humor at the end with the dialogue in the office, but it comes across as a large tonal shift from what has preceded it. Would work better if there was more consistency throughout.

The opening page is fairly confusing with the different characters and it was a struggle to really picture clearly what was going on. I'd suggest keeping it more focused on the antagonist and your hero and losing a lot of the extra stuff which is distracting from the story.

The writing is pretty good in parts, while in others there's a number of mistakes. I'm guessing this one was rushed, like many of the others.

I didn't think this was laugh out loud funny but I did like the idea behind it.

As a couple of others have said, not sure about the opening with all the villains, especially as they all disappear later.

But I did kinda enjoy it.