The Rust Garden by Steve Miles - Short, Horror, Thriller - A forensic archaeologist finds her ideals tested when she discovers the horrors of the recent past are far from dead and buried. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Steve,

Gave this a read, very well written, will be taking formatting tips off of you!

I liked the story, the dialogue is realistic and doesn't linger, it's fast and keeps the story going. The pace is well set and of course it is very chilling.

The 'raw man' and other things you created in the shed was very scary, I enjoyed my imagination running wild with the disturbing 'tinks' and disfigured men. I may have missed why they are in that situation or perhaps you didn't explain? I would've liked some reason, maybe I missed it?

Anyway, the script was a good read, the story interesting, the dialogue natural, the formatting top notch so very well done.

This may be a struggle to film due to the makeup on the men, the location and such but I'd like to see the men in the shed done well, put this in the hands of a good director and it would be a very disturbing horror short.

If I had to rate it, I'd give it a solid 9/10, thoroughly enjoyed it!

This is good but I don't know enough about the history to fully understand. Visually impacting and a great painting of Ela.

Nathan and Clorox, thanks for the reads, it's always appreciated.  The budget for this could be a little restrictive, but it's one I'm thinking of putting out to a few comps if the story 'works' for folks.

I tried to keep the background as simple a possible, so not to bog it down in detail.  The basic idea is the men in the shed are Nazis, held prisoner since the end of WW2 -- to pay for their crimes against the villagers.  I wanted to keep the focus on Ela and whether she exposes the whole thing or, like Bayon, leaves them to their fate.  I guess it's a question of whether there's enough background to understand why they're there and if not, where to include it.

Thanks again,

Steve        

This is an interesting concept. Once you get to the shed and the whole confrontation with Karkov it's a great exchange and the tension is palpable. But IMO it starts very slow.

The first scene with Bayon and Ela can be a lot shorter. Get in and get out as fast as possible while still establishing the essentials... namely Ela as inquisitive and stubborn, Bayon as a world-weary soldier with a let sleeping dogs lie attitude.

It's easier for me to just write the entire scene out with all the cuts I might make already removed... take what you want from it (and with a grain of salt):

BAYON
I were to guess, I’d say he was a hermit.

Ela points to the photograph.

ELA
He had family.

BAYON
What he had was a photograph.

ELA
I know an SS group marking when I see it. I suspect
you do too.

BAYON
I know nothing but what the coroners tell me.
What will you do, dig him back up? There are no
answers in the muck.

ELA
Not if you're afraid to get your hands dirty.

Bayon bristles, stands to leave.

BAYON
I'm sorry I cannot be of more help.

ELA
You want to help?

Bayon brightens.

ELA
Start with the dead Nazi in my
garden.

Bayon smiles, graceful in defeat.

---That right there is enough, probably more than enough, to establish everything.


Also, the final confrontation between Bayon and Ela is a bit confusing. You mentioned you weren't sure if you needed to give more background... I think that entirely depends on if you keep these lines in:

Quoted Text ELA War’s over, it’s been over seventy years. BAYON Then why are you here? ELA Maybe I ask you the same thing.

Because it's very hard to tell what's being implied here. Ela is young, she wasn't in the war, I don't think you should imply something in her past brought her here. Bayon maybe, but not her.

Just have Bayon sit her down and tell her some story about the war, the moral of which is essentially let sleeping dogs lie, then he leaves the decision up to her.  

James,

Thanks for the notes.  Interesting to see what you make of it, gives me an idea of how it comes across and which areas need attention.

Elas’ line at the end needs work.  It was meant less as a reference to her personally and more the reason she’d been sent.  They’re both public servants -- as hinted at during their initial conversation -- only Bayon understands that people are more given to want revenge than truth.  That’s what’s happening in the forest and it’s better to let it be.  Not least of all because he’s been turning a blind eye to it.

To be fair I’m not sure about trimming too much from the kitchen scene. There’s a few things in there that provide background that I felt was important.  I’m hoping the mystery surrounding Fischer drives the story forward from there -- I could well be wrong on that.  Bayon plays a pivotal part, I’d prefer to let him breathe a little at the outset.  Bayon’s not an old soldier, just an old policeman whose outlook is to let sleeping dogs lie; though he’s more complicit than Ela realises.  His initial play is to steer Ela away from looking into Fischer’s death.  Maybe that could be stronger.

Again, thanks for the read.  All good stuff to think on.

Steve  

Quoted from stevemiles though he’s more complicit than Ela realises

Ahh, okay. That explains a lot actually. Maybe I just missed something cuz I couldn't tell if he knew or just didn't wanna find out. When she confronts him at the end I remember he says "you saw these chains yourself?" or something like that, which made me think he didn't actually know anything about it.

As for the kitchen scene, yeah I mean that was just my thoughts on it. I wrote the whole thing out cuz it was easier than suggesting individual cuts... figured you might not even wanna use any of it.

Maybe just play up the mystery more at the beginning of whether Bayon is being willfully stubborn about the body or actively seeking to stop Ela... but then make it very clear at the end that in fact he's been trying to cover it up all along.

I did get the 'you saw these chains yourself' bit. I took it to mean that he knew they weren't chained. Just putting that out there.

I do agree that this is overly long, seems to take around 8 pages to get going. As great as the writing is, I feel that you should work on cutting down the length of those first 8 pages. No reason all the information needed to start the story off couldn't be done in just two. Or perhaps start in the shed and then we find everything out later.

That aside, it's a good story and very well told. However, I am a little tired of seeing films where the Nazis are made out to be monsters. All that propaganda from WW2 is so ingrained into society's psyche that it is being passed from generation to generation. It would be possible to make these guys some other type of 'bad guy'. Nazi terrors are pretty cliche. Like an easy option, if you get what I mean. Oh, they're Nazis, makes sense now that they had children ripped apart by dogs. Perhaps there's a way you could change this up?

Of course it works though... and a filmmaker will do whatever they need to to make the story work anyway. So, perhaps you shouldn't change anything at all.

Good luck with it.

Dustin, thanks for the notes.  The line about the chains is exactly that -- implying that Bayon’s seen them and knows they’re not actually held in chains.  As does him having the same brand of chewing tobacco with Karkov.  I kind of saw Bayon as running supplies to him occasionally.

The Nazi thing is well trodden, but they come with a built in backstory to a degree which makes them convenient for a short.  The main thing that pulled me towards this was the idea of a group of people having been held captive for decades and a main character torn on whether to free them or not.  Again, the Nazi angle seemed to fit.          

Thanks again,

Steve

No worries mate, and, as I said, the writing is amazing.

Excellent title. It's what drew me in in the first place. I thought the horror elements lived up to the title well, as did the "garden" itself. The swathe of tension and grotesque imagery in the middle had me hooked.

The rest, I don't know. The dialogue was kind of cryptic. There seemed to be a lot of emotion, but I didn't entirely understand why. I'll echo a previous comment and say I don't think I know enough of the history to understand the characters' motives/reactions.

Most importantly, I'd like to know what Ela is searching for in the first place prior to Fischer's arrival. Her work as an archaeologist and her commitment to/belief in it seems to drive her investigation as much as the random Nazi showing up on her property. Her relationship to her work also seems specific to the region/history, as opposed to just a general sense of duty that comes with the job. If it's not, I think she needs a stronger motivation.

Same deal goes for the apathy on the part of the other characters, although the fact that these things in the shed are Nazis gives me better insight than anything on Ela's part. Of course, in communicating all of this, you run the risk of getting bogged down in exposition. Even more, said exposition could come off as especially forced if all these characters are already more than familiar with the information you want the audience to know. I think it'd take a delicate touch to pull off.

So I don't know. A catch 22 perhaps. Well-written and compelling, but much was lost on me. Not sure how to address that without turning the whole thing into an awkward history lesson. Perhaps you're a better writer than me, though, and know just how to go about it.

James, great notes.  I hear what you’re saying about delivering an awkward history lesson -- that’s what I’m trying to steer clear of.  I’d much rather focus on the horror of the situation and the human side of things, but it’s finding the right balance through which to frame it.  Arguably the two most raised points are cutting back on the intro/set-up and giving the reader a better understanding as to setting/motivation.  That is a delicate balance.  

Thanks for taking the time.

Steve

Steve,

Some notes.

I like this one.  I like the give and take and the Russian psyche.  You capture the feeling of helplessness, of being cogs in a very big machine.  I think it's a bit slow in the beginning, but by the time she gets to the camp, it's running well.  As you point out, WWII has its built in mind-scape that can be used in the story.  Good job.

Best
Richard

Steve,

Started this a couple weeks ago, only now got around to reading it proper. Wow! Awesome story, very well written and filled with little details and nuances that I enjoyed. You seem to have a directors eye for action in your writing that paints a very vivid landscape. Liked the dialogue as well. Not much else I want to say. I'm sure others have given you proper feedback. I really just kinda sat back and enjoyed this one. Great job.

Steve

And that's how you do it.

For me personally, I thought this was just an amazing piece of work. Great story, and extremely well written.

I agree that it may have budget issues, which is a shame. I would love to see this made.

You really know how to build tension. I found myself on the edge of my seat.

Well done!

Steve, Warren -- many thanks for taking the time to read and post.  It's much appreciated.

Steve