It's A … by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - At the end of the world it's the little gestures that still make us human. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Nice, touching ending, but perhaps make the meteor have a bigger impact in the story? It will make this longer but I think it would make it interesting to have the imminent impact of the meteor create some suspense. Have Anne struggling to operate the machine, hell bent on doing the last good deed of her life, all while Sarah watches the news and the doomsday countdown shown on it.

A decent 4 pager nonetheless, well done.

Poignant - well done. I really felt for them.

It's a heartfelt little story. Those poor girls. You did a nice job on it.

I remember this from the Impact comp. I liked it then too. Short, simple, sad. Should be easy to film.

An idea I had is to have Anne having to search to find Sarah. Anne doesn't have to be pregnant. Maybe she's a real nurse. Sarah is panicked, distraught... on the verge of breakdown. Anne hears the noises and finds her, maybe she's about to try and abort the baby herself.

I'm just trying to find a way to give the end more of an impact (forgive the pun). You're looking for that spark of happiness amidst impending doom and this is almost there, I just feel it needs a little more to make it happen.

Perhaps though, this could come out in the film and some quality acting. Just a thought.

Good luck with it, mate.

A quality short.

I respectfully diasagree with LF, i do believe this works best as written, both characters in late pregnancy. The impact (sorry) of  Anne's final act cuts deep, giving Sarah one final touch of joy, but at  the end a flicker of her grief comes through, a pain that only these two can know.

Wish you well with this, it would make a great film.

Anthony,

I remember this from the Impact -- good to see you’ve added a whole extra page now you’re free from restraint  :)

Personally I could stand a little more interaction between these two -- it’s a poignant moment, two mothers-to-be facing the end of the world, perhaps a little more to explore here.

I’d consider playing the newscast in silence -- less intrusive, let the silence set the scene.

Be nice to see this picked up.

Steve

Hey thanks all for your comments and kind words

Tbh I'm a bit torn with this and expanding it much further... I kinda liked the constraints of the original comp as it made you really distill the key aspects down.

But I think there may be a little room for a touch more, so will have a ponder.

Thanks all

This was great, I'd put myself firmly in the doesn't need any significant changes camp. The newscast at the very beginning felt odd though. An hour before the end of the world and they've got him doing an on the ground report as the meteor hurls straight towards him...

I like Steve's idea of a silent newscast, preferably from a regular news desk, maybe with a ticker tape scrolling across the bottom that says "Scientists confirm last ditch effort to stop meteor has failed".

This was a really sweet, man. Warm, but not too saccharine. I could sort of predict each beat, but only in the sense that they felt like the most logical and satisfying choices to make dramatically. It didn't take away from the impact one bit.

Of course, there'd be ways to improve it, but only so much as a writer's pesky intuition always finds ways to improve something. I'd have drawn the story out just a tad (maybe a page or so), but it's hard to say if that would've made it "better." Not much else to say other than it works for what it's supposed to be. Kudos.

Mark/James - thanks for the additional comments and glad you liked the script.

Mark - in the original competition it was established that the meteor impact had been kept from the world's populace, but take your point, I'll have a look at that bit.

Hi Anthony

I like it ready...less than four pages :-)

Yeah, a nice little short that should be picked up quite quickly.

I don't think it needs much more, but it could be upped a little if Anne had to give something up in return. I don't know, but say she was going to say to use the machine herslef, but in swapping over it breaks. Hum, not sure, but you get my point.

Or, they could end up singing nursery rhymes to their unborn, holding hands, something they looked forward to.

All the best

Thanks for taking a look Bill, more to mull on...

Anthony

Anthony,

Good job on a delightful little slice of human kindness.  It works just as it should.  

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard, glad it worked for you!