Something Up Yonder by Nathan Hill - Short, Dark Comedy - Two men go for a morning fish in the Yorkshire Dales until a very rough-looking local farmer stumbles in their way. - pdf, format 8)

Thanks for the upload! The comedy here might be a bit subjective, got a bit of inspiration from my dad's fishing trips with his 60 year old friend and the hilarious banter.

Enjoy anyway!

Nathan,

There’s something amusing in Kenny ‘catching’ Johnny to stop him floating away, unfortunately that’s about where the story lost me.  From there it got ‘busy’, lots of rushing around, the sudden ‘horror score’ -- tricky to follow what was going on or why.  All felt a bit off the cuff.  

A few suggestions writing wise:

EXT. SOMEWHERE ALONG THE YORKSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE- MORNING

Around 9am, the Yorkshire countryside is green but surrounded by fog, the tips of each blade of grass decorated with dew.

A Land Rover 4x4 moves along, chugging and roaring as different pieces of equipment jangle on the sides and top of the vehicle.


Think about which elements are necessary to set the scene and focus on those to tell the story.  For instance, there’s no point including the time in the action unless we’re seeing it via a clock or other visual.  Try to avoid repeating information from the header.  We can assume the countryside is green.  You’ve got three verbs to describe the Land Rover’s movement, IMO, one gets the point over.  So this could be:


EXT. YORKSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE - DAWN

A Land Rover chugs across a fogbound landscape. Fishing equipment jangles from the top and sides.


-- And elsewhere:

The two sit in silence.

Pause.

-- Not much point in the ‘pause’ as the two sitting in silence pretty much suggests the same.


-- And this:

Dave sighs, looking up river, shaking his head. He stops on the vision of a man strolling casually through the water.

-- No introduction for OL’ JOHNNY and the vision could suggest he’s not real.  Is it a vision or is he actually wading towards them?  Would you stroll through water?

Dave sighs, looks up river to see OL’ JOHNNY, 60s, casually wading towards them.

-- Or something like this.  Keep the action as active as possible it makes for a smoother read.


I fish occasionally, it’s not the most impacting of pastimes, so fair play on trying for something different.  The banter between these two wasn’t bad, but storywise it missed the mark for me with this odd moment with Ol' Johnny thrown into the mix.  

Hope this helps,

Steve

Thanks for the input Steve!

Code stopped stationary

No need for 'stopped'.

Code Kenny eats some crisps, eat bite crunching loudly.

I suppose it gets the point across but it could do with a rewrite. The latter part of the sentence is a bit of a muddle.

Code Ol’ Johnny gets right up close to the side of the river

Bit of a muddle again. It's overwritten in that the words 'right up close' are unnecessary.

Code KENNY STONES Ger’ him, David!

Always got to be careful when writing slang. I had to read this a couple of times but I think what you're going for is 'gerrim, David!' Unless you really do mean 'ger him'. If so, ignore me.

Code DAVE GILGANNON Bloody hell, Kenny! Ye daft bastard! Complete frenzy as Kenny calmly reels Johnny in. Dave holds his wooley hat as Johnny floats solemly across to the bank. KENNY STONES Grab ‘im, David! Dave uneasily tries to grab Johnny from different angles, approaching them all with unease. KENNY STONES (CONT’D) Get yer friggin’ hands on him, David!

Too much name use. Drop most of these from your dialogue.

I like that. Nice comedic tone that us British do exceptionally well. The punchline would draw a chuckle from an audience and would be remembered, so kudos for that. This one should get picked up. Good luck with it. I suggest submitting it to STS - after an edit.

Thanks for the feedback Dustin, by the way what is STS?

Nathan,

Good job. You paint a pretty clear picture with this. I especially enjoyed your dialogue. Not too hard to understand or get why you're going for with it.

If Johnny is indeed some kind of zombie I'd suggest you spell it out. Have one of your characters say it. I think it'd come across funny. This is just a tad overwritten and repetitive in some areas. I'd definitely go over this again an try to clean some of that up and tighten this. I don't think telling us about the horror score playing helps this out any. I feel it detracts. Of it were me I'd lose it, as well as some of the cut to's. Writer's choice, I guess. But nice job. I found it fun.

The STS is "Shooting The Shorts." Janet runs it and you can find a new script each day up on the homepage. It's sort of a showcase for what they feel are highly produceable scripts. Very good exposure too. There should be a submit link on there somewhere near the bottom of the featured script. Check it out.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Yeah Johnny was a zombie of the sorts, I just didn't spell it out because I was more wanting the reader to interprete him as their own.

That sounds good, will work on a redraft and send it in, I see it as highly producible.