Poisoned by Julie DeStefano - Short, Drama - Unable to move on from a terrible breakup, Victoria does the one thing that might help her get even with her ex-boyfriend. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Julie,

Some notes.

I've never been a huge fan of voice overs, especially ones that state what's happening on screen, so the opening doesn't work well for me.  

I do like the intercutting of the flashback with the present.  There is nothing especially unique or novel in the story.  Phil is  a cad, and Shelly is a skank.  You might consider giving Shelly a more cheshire cat feel.  She knows she's stealing Phil, right?

Mom's scene doesn't work especially well.  I would think they have had this discussion before.  This time, mom means it.  She dumps the photos of phil and jerks Victoria back into the present.  I think it's mom who plants the seed of revenge.  'Don't get mad, get even."

And Victoria's plan is nothing new either.  I'm not exactly sure how you can make it fresher, but I think you should try.  

Overall, not a bad effort.  Keep writing.

Best
Richard

1: Victoria sounds depressed, so why does she jerk up? Would she have the energy to do so? Just a thought.

2: Ooh, you said 'finally', in one of your descriptions. Apparently that's a bad idea; I read you should never use that word, in descriptions.

3: 'You don’t understand. I had my
entire future planned out. We were
going to move into together, get
engaged and have a spring wedding
in that beautiful park gazebo. But
thanks to him and my slut cousin,
the perfect life I had envisioned
is now gone.' That kind of sounds like a mini info dump, to me. Wouldn't her mother know all of that stuff? Well, not necessarily, but I would think so.

4: 'I’ll get some paper towels.
Phil grabs a roll of paper towels.' Maybe get rid of the repetition.

5: At times I was unsure of Phil's character; I didn't know if he was meant to be all bad, or partly good, though I did find out later.

6: 'Victoria unbuttons Phil’s shirt, pulls off his pants. and' - Misplaced full stop.

On the whole, reasonably entertaining, though lacking originality.

Thank you all for the feedback. I will work on those suggestions.