For All Eternity by Judy Bednarek - Short, Supernatural Thriller - A dying woman is offered a cure by a flamboyant artist who condemns her soul for all eternity. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Judy,

Some notes.

This one has a nice beginning with some engaging characters but seems to lose focus and have no real ending.  I have an issue with Diego saving Violet against her will, appearing uninvited in her apartment.  The usual lore demands that the victim in some sense invite immortality.  

While she flees him, he still pursues her?  I'm not sure about that.  The telephone scene with Max seems tacked on and adds very little to the mix.  If you need it, put it up front.  Then, it doesn't seem like filler.  

The ending isn't an ending.  She's on her way somewhere, and he demands her soul.  I think you need to tie this up in some fashion.

Best
Richard

You have something here so stick with it. The beginning is very solid but it starts to unravel after that. Their argument outside the exhibit feels forced. Maybe just have her make an excuse to leave and he lets her go without protest. He ends up not getting her name or an agreement even with the fight, yet still shows up at her house uninvited and does his thing. Why would he have confronted her in the first place if he can find where she leaves and doesn't need/want her permission?

Since you build up such nice chemistry so quickly between the two leads it's almost a shame he becomes this evil presence right away that she's running from. I feel like he could stay in the apartment and be there when she wakes up. Then there's some exploration of what he is, what he did to her, some romantic tension even as they both reveal more about themselves... maybe ultimately she rejects him and becomes fearful of him... but not right away.