Mantis by E.R (Night Writer) - Short, Thriller - An elderly woman recalls events long forgotten. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

I really liked this one. Don't have much analysis for it, it's just you know, disturbing and good. Everything is twisted and slightly surreal in all of this so well done for creating that type of atmosphere.

E.R.

Some notes.

This one works for me.  I like the obvious misconception the children have about mom and dad hunting.  The flashback reveals the appalling reality.

It gets a little iffy with the money, but that's me.  I like how the children handle the ending.  They are much like mom an dad--sociopaths--and that comes out.  Good job.

Best
Richard

Conceptually speaking, this is quite good.  Writing and formatting-wise, very poor.

It's an interesting structure and it's handled well, not revealing too much, too soon.

I don't really buy into everything, but it does work, as you intended it to.

But, the writing...oh man.  So many mistakes littering every single page - missing punctuation, missing words, typos, misspellings, awkward phrasings, poor sentence structure, missing subjects, etc.

Formatting is also very poor and it's actually so poor, that it makes the read very confusing.  Slugs need major help.  Biggest issue is the completely incorrect way you handled the Flashbacks - in fact, I don't think you labeled a single one as a Flashback.

Finally, like Richard, the money part seems out of place and actually detracts from the setup.

Learn how to write a screenplay and you could be on to something here.

Can't say I fully understand. Are Ada and Christian really siblings or are they pretending to be in order to get the old lady to tell them where the money is? (I'm confused by the kissing.) And Trevor left the money? I was tripped up because the unlabeled flashback comes on the heels of talk of her father's will. (The "your father" and "my father" references didn't help, either). John was a doe? You'd think he'd be a buck.

Anyway, as Dreamscale noted, the many errors really muddy things up.

P.s. What's the title mean? Some slang term I'm unware of maybe.

Pretty dark tale - the story elements were interesting and the plot well executed. I spotted these issues:

Slight problem with slugs.

Quoted Text EXT. COTTAGE. NIGHT

Should be EXT. COLLEGE - NIGHT

This is a problem throughout.

Quoted Text ADA (35) stares into her MOTHER'S eyes, gaining her attention. ADA You okay?

MOTHER"S eyes unfilmable. I think you are better off doing:

ADA (35) stares into Cecilia's eyes, gaining her
attention.

ADA
Mom, You okay?

Quoted Text Whats that your knitting, now?

typo - should be what's

I would get rid of the CONT'Ds

Quoted Text The first time I did it... I wasn't to sure of what was

typo - should be too

Quoted Text Celia, arms interlocked with stranger, walk a trail leading to the cottage.

Think it should be walks

Quoted Text My father's side, unfortunately. But don't worry you wont be getting any of that for a while.

should be won't.

Quoted Text ADA (annoyed) She's gone into inexplicable detail of she buried it, made sure nobody knew, covered her tracks. She has it!

need a how after of

You perfectly build up this twisted story of Celias "hunting" expeditions and we find out she's this completely different person. Then it shifts to a story about siblings trying to get her money. Then shifts again when it turns out they're not actually siblings (at least that's how I read it). Lost in all this is Celia and the awesome story you had about her. I want to know more about that and Celia herself. She's way more interesting than the siblings even with the final twist.

The ending should come back around to Celia's original tale in some way, otherwise what was the point of even having that part? She might as well just be a regular senile old lady with a bunch of greedy siblings in that case.

I think a better ending would be maybe Trevor isn't really dead, or someone new has taken the hunters place, and so someone opens the cabin door with shotgun in hand. Then Celia says something about her siblings being ingrates and before Ada and Christiana can really do anything BOOM! They get a one way ticket.

Can’t say this worked for me.  Interesting idea and I like the irony of the flashbacks, but it feels over-complicated.  Maybe unfinished?  The set-up for a larger piece?  It’s hard to follow at times -- and as others have pointed out the writing doesn’t help.

Story-wise it feels like you’ve got two strands competing for attention:  one is the ‘kids’ trying to con the Celia out of her money by posing as her children -- the set-up and pay-off are there for that part of the story as we end with the twist of finding out their true motives.

Only, you’ve then got this separate ‘hunting’ thread working alongside it.  It keeps the flashbacks interesting and gives us an insight into Celia’s past but it doesn’t tie back into Christian and Ada’s plan.  It feels like it should -- these two are out to con a helpless old lady out of her money.  Through flashbacks we’re shown this dark, murderous past, which suggests she may not be as defenseless as we think.  Only the story ends on the former strand leaving this latter kind of moot.  What part does Celia and Trevor’s past really have to play in all this?      

Christian picks up on Celia’s use of the name ‘John’, but not the ‘...men are like moths...’ line.

Something to the idea and maybe I’m missing your intent, but it feels more like a ‘to be continued’ rather than a ‘fade out’.

Hope this helps,

Steve