Metropolitan by Nathan Hill - Short, Dark Comedy, Crime - Two London Metropolitan Police Officers report to a little Chinese man's house on reports of vandalism but they discover a disgusting secret in the house. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Here's another dark comedy.

Quoted from Nathan Hill Two London Metropolitan Police Officers report to a little Chinese man's house on reports of vandalism but they discover a disgusting secret in the house.

That logline needs some work. Report/reports... house/house. Also the London Metropol' bit is unnecessary.

Upon investigating a report of vandalism, two police officers discover a disgusting secret lurking in a Chinese man's house.

I'm not saying that this is what you should write, just an example of how you can turn the sentence around so you don't use the same words twice.

I'm going to get to this story later.

I've got to be honest with you mate, I'm finding this one a struggle and I'm stopping at page 5.

I think this may be more my fault than yours, I'm not really a first draft kind of guy. I like to read polished writing. When it hasn't been polished, I just see dirt and lose interest in what story is there.

Code Council estate. Young hoods walk around in groups. Single mums. Old coffin-dodgers. England. London.

Young HOODS. Single MUMS. COFFIN DODGERS (are already old by definition).

All of the above are characters that you need to introduce. You also show that we are in a council estate... so why not place that in the slug?

Code A Metropolitan police car approaches a roundabout. It circles around.

Straight away I'm hit with production value. The producer will need to have the spare funds to rent a metropol police car. Not to mention alerting the police to the use of the car during filming.

Code PC MARTIN KEMP, lanky, almond hair, soft-skinned male, sharp features, police officer wearing a Scotland Yard uniform. Martin scrolls through his phone in the passenger seat.

All of the above should be done in one sentence... plus, Martin Kemp? He's already a famous actor. Unless this is to become a part of the joke, then you should change the name. I'm sure the producers and director would do so anyway. Martin also doesn't have an age. Martin is already a man's name, so safe to assume it's a man unless stated otherwise. We already know he's a police officer because he's called PC Martin Kemp.

In the passenger seat, PC MARTIN KEMP (28), sharp features,
scrolls through a phone.

As you can see from the above, I've cut out some of the description. He being lanky with almond hair isn't important. I've kept 'sharp features' for aesthetic purposes, but even that may not be true come time to cast the right actor. His features could well be rounded.

Code PC BARBARA RUTHERFORD, short, slightly chubby female, blonde hair bob cut, wearing a police uniform. She drives, looks over to Martin.

Same with the above. Barbara is taken to be a female unless stated otherwise.

Driving, PC BARBARA RUTHERFORD (25), short, slightly chubby,
notices Martin playing with the phone.


The whole thing with the Chinese smelling strange... well, they generally do... but, I don't find it funny. More, matter of fact. So I struggled with that whole conversation. I know exactly what you're going for, but it fails, IMO.

Same with the crime rate convo. Wouldn't they both be fully aware, being police officers, of the crime rate in any given area? So, wouldn't be offended at all by this fact being pointed out.

That's really as far as I want to go. You haven't hooked me into wanting to know what the secret is. This one needs a lot of work.

Sorry I can't be more positive... but one thing I try to be is honest. I loved that first story of yours... the fishing one.

Hey Dustin,

Thanks for the feedback once again. I feel like my writing is hit and miss right now, need to sharpen it up. I'm going to keep writing to see if i can nail down a good balance of technique.

Also the Martin Kemp thing, I honestly had no idea he was a famous actor, haha.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback once again, Dustin, it helps a lot in improving my future writing.

This has potential. The two cops are the right kind of helpless and bumbling that you end of getting behind them and rooting for them. Their situation opens up a lot of comedy potential but it's a little rough around the edges right now. It starts to drag in between them smelling the smell and actually opening the attic door. I think there's like three pages in between of them going on about the smell.

Bigger issue is they don't actually solve anything. Unless I missed an entire page or something they never actually solve the crime. I was as intrigued as they were as to how the body got in the attic and whether the old man did it. Then it just ends with them driving away. Was the shattered window supposed to be some obvious clue as to what happened? Did I actually skip an entire page?

You did not, I did fail to explain the mystery and I should really try and resolve that in a redraft. Thanks the for the feedback, Mark!

Nathan,

Some notes.

This one is all over the place.  The opening doesn't exactly add anything to the story.  I have a problem with a deaf person answering a knock on the door.  If you add a note about a light that comes on when the doorbell rings, well, I'll buy that.  

The police are fair.  Their bumbling provides some slapstick comedy, but it's short lived.  Mr. Chu works for me. if you can figure out exactly what senses he's missing.  In any case, this one needs work.  

Best
Richard