Grounded by Ron Houghton - Short, Comedy - A struggling luddite navigates romance in the new millennium. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

The link has been fixed.

- Don

I enjoyed this. The absurdity of how everyone treats his case was amusing. I just think the ending could be better tweaked. It's a little too convenient. (I have the same problem with my scripts). But overall, good job. I can definitely see a couple of laughs from this.

Ron,

Some notes.  

I think you have a knack for comedy, especially absurd comedy.  So, if you're going to push the envelope, push it further.  He doesn't admit he doesn't have a phone.  He lies just as he's supposed to.  It's only when cornered that he admits he's lying.  He doesn't have a cell.  At this point, he's referred to a mental health hospital?  His aberration leads to more absurdity as they try to 'cure' his illness.  And the ending is the same as yours.  He finds an ally who helps him escape.

Best
Richard

This is solid stuff. Based on this and that Bad Neighbor script I'd say you definitely have a knack for comedy. For me it went on too long though. You could try escalating the absurd more to the point where there are roving mobs with pitchforks hunting him down or something like that.

Or maybe you could just cut it short and stick with the restaurant scene. Maybe he's kicked out and this one female customer stops him outside... turns out she has a fetish for technology-averse people... and when he says he has a corded landline phone she gets all hot and bothered. Invites him back to her place and end on that.

I really like this. Some funny bits for sure.

Some criticism though. I did find some of the dialogue on the nose. The initial exchange between Talia and Steve was very generic, I realize that's often how it goes, but I think people want more than that.

I think you have a couple of unfilmables hanging around.

Small one, but deities are always capitalized.

Some interesting formatting choices. Not sure I agree with some of them. I think you can completely do away with the underlining for a start.

Also ,should try and lose the "we see", show us what we see, don't tell us.

Good read otherwise, well done.

Thanks for the notes everyone. Some good notes in there. Will take another pass on it, and try to incorporate some of the ideas you've had.

Best to all
Ron Houghton

Was meant to give this one a read a while ago.


Just finished. Enjoyed this one. Steve's naivity really created good comedy for me. The entire satirical tone was brilliant. I liked it mostly, the ending seemed a bit cheesy for me but I understand the statement you're making, it's just been done before that's all. Anyway, I enjoyed it. Good work, man.