Yes, thanks Don and for everything you do.
As expected, the witness is taken into protective custody by the detective: "Looks like I've just found a new best friend."
There are elements to the story for a great thriller but for me it was a chore because everything is laid out for the reader with each character explaining what they are doing or going to do: "Washington D.C. is sending him down" ... "contacts in Washington already told me" ... "broad who works as a file clerk in the FBI's office" ... "access to all types of files" ... "She can get this agent's name." Tommy doesn't need to relate this, it reads as if you want the reader to know the plan when you could show it. For this and every scene, work out what the characters need to know, not the reader. Here, once you have established that the mobsters know there is a threat from Washington, wrap it up:
SHELLENBERGER
What are we going to do, Tommy?
GALLUCCIO
I know someone.
INT. FBI OFFICE - DAY
An OLDER BROAD makes her way towards a file cabinet.Dialogue reads like cut scenes from a video game: "We're going to be taking out an FBI Agent. As you already know, this is some serious shit ..." Sorry, Dewey, people, even Mafiosi, don't speak like this. Your characters discuss THE GODFATHER so that's among your influences. Watch it again (or read the book) and try to pick up the rhythms of speech. This mostly sounds like the writer relating the plot instead of characters talking to each other.
You don't have to try so hard to bring the reader to your story world, the opening paragraph is loaded with information. MONTY "DIRTY FACE" PIRELLI is evocative but he disappears from the script after this, so just make him " a heavily-scarred man" and describe what he does. If we need to know his name it will come later.
Why is "Mighty" in quotes? River Quay is mentioned many times so I googled it and found some interesting stuff, more than enough to make a cracking story. You don't have to lay it out:
Quoted from NetworkofKillersOriginalScreenplay.pdf OVERSTREET Let's just hope this Special Agent getting taken out tonight isn't a throwback to the River Quay Wars.
BRITTANY What makes you say that?
OVERSTREET The River Quay Wars of the seventies was about mob goons here in Kansas City fighting over who's gonna control the Teamsters. |
If Brittany has been with the KCPD longer than a day, she would know. It was unexpected to find the detective from the logline is a woman but otherwise stereotypes are in place. On arrival at the murder scene, all that's missing is the Styrofoam cup. "What do we have here, Jerry?" It's all so cartoonish I couldn't take it seriously. I'm not sure what I'm reading when "BRITTANY releases a strong wind."
At least get it proofed. Your spellchecker won't know the difference between statue, stature and statute but for this subject you should. Best of luck.