Hey Brandon,
So, I'm going to make notes as I read this in one sitting. I usually like to read a script in one sitting to simulate a movie-going experience. I got to page 26 last night, but it's still pretty fresh in mind.
WHAT I KNOW SO FAR:You introduce an ensemble of characters, which can be hard to follow, but you do a good job of giving them individual personalities and relationships, which made it fairly easy to follow. I appreciated the banter between Ollie and Bootstraps a little better than Barks and Sugar. It's not a matter of the dialogue sounding realistic because the dialogue is FAR from realistic. It's colorful but has a written quality to it -- in the sense that it sounds written. But, in this world you've created, it fits. Kind of like Juno or Pulp Fiction (not comparing quality here, but the gist) -- nobody in real life talks like that. But it works. And, overall, I feel like the dialogue works with your characters.
At this point, however, the dialogue doesn't really seem to do much to push forward the plot. It establishes character, but it continues long after the characters are established already. Borderline aimless. I'm curious if some of what they talked about resurfaces. In Pulp Fiction, a lot of their banter SEEMS aimless and purely conversational, but a lot of what they talk about resurfaces (the Royale with cheese bit, etc) and actually plays into what happens during future scenes.
So far, we have Barks and Sugar -- they're kind of like Clarence and Alabama in "True Romance". Dude with a girl WAY out of his league. They're in dire straits money-wise. That's established.
Then we have Ollie and Bootstraps. They're assigned to a job. I like they're dialogue but they sound a lot alike.
We have Mr. Pellar, the boss who assigns them the job -- he reminds me of the old dude from Snatch. And his 2nd in command, Little Man, who obviously has a Napoleon complex. Kind of like George in "Of Mice and Men".
Ollie and Bootstraps are given a job -- a job that we know nothing about, thus far. We assume it's crime related. There's also the third-wheel character Horn, kind of like the Casey Affleck in Good Will Hunting character. He's part of their "team".
They're assigned this job with some dude named Mickey Dee, who has a propensity of getting caught for doing something stupid. They apparently don't want to do the job, so they're now looking for him so they can kill him? Am I right? Seems kind of strange. If I'm wrong, I apologize.
And then, there's another character involved now -- Ollie's friend, Barks, who needs money.
Up to this point, I'm suspecting somebody gets set up. But we'll see where this all goes...
THE REST OF THE STORY:Page 30 -- So far, this does not pass the Bechdel test lol. The women here are just eye candy pretty much, even Sugar. So far. Hopefully, Sugar (who I don't like lol) redeems herself here and plays more of a part than just eye candy.
Also, might wanna refer to Carmody as Mickey Dee to avoid confusion.
Okay, so Barks owes Mr. Pellar money. Didn't know he was connected to them. But how?
Carmody/Mickey Dee is the fuck-up son. I've seen this. I've seen a lot of these characters before in a lot of crime movies, specifically Guy Ritchie films. There's also a fuck-up son in "John Wick" that this character reminds me of. "Road to Perdition" also comes to mind as well "Rock n Rolla".
Page 43 -- Ah, the dog conversation ended up having some kind of payoff. Still don't understand why Bootstraps is so confrontational here. I know it's part of his character. But still seems out of nowhere. Maybe Sugar is the girl that he was texting earlier? The one he just ended a relationship with?
The Big Boy Blue being gassy as his only character attribute is kind of... low brow. Maybe he's more involved with the plot. Seems like it's there for a cheap laugh as of now.
Page 46 -- The obligatory trunk shot. I'm following this story, but I'm starting to feel like this is a bit too derivative of quirky, dialogue-heavy crime films, e.g. Guy Ritchie, Tarantino, Joe Carnahan, early Soderbergh, etc.
Page 55 --
Quoted Text BARKS Look, I didn't know I'd be working under Mr. Pellar. For that, I apologize for putting you in this plight. But, I would really appreciate if you could stop being such a cunt about this whole ordeal as I already feel shit enough about having to lie to the face of the love of my life about how I'm gonna sort my shit out. I don't need your guilt trip as a cherry on the cake, so if you could just shut the fuck up for once and mind your own business - |
There's gotta be a better to express this. This WAY too long-winded. At least some punctuation in there so the actor doesn't run out of breath.
Page 60 -- Not sure how you depict gays here, though I had a good laugh at some of Hot Rod's dialogue. But the AIDS, bondage stuff, kind of a negative stereotype strictly for comic relief. And then the rapey-ness. Especially in these politically correct times, I don't see a producer allowing this to stay in the script. In fact, he might stop reading. I know you have Horn as the "normal" gay dude, I guess. But still. They're not painted in a very nice light, here.
Page 65 -- "I know from experience. If you know what I mean." Couldn't help but think of Chris Farley in "Billy Madison" lol.
Page 65 - 68 -- This scene seems unnecessary. Cut the fat! It does nothing for your story and does nothing to further reveal anything else about your Little Man character.
RANDOM NOTE:Most of the dialogue here is tough-talk kind of stuff. Which I like. And it's done fairly well. But I feel like that's all it is, really. Just guys losing their tempers.
Page 69 -- Okay. Little Man's dead. Why is he even in this script in the first place? He doesn't really seem to serve a purpose outside of showing Mr. Pellar's wrath.
Also, not sure about these fart jokes with Big Blue. Very juvenile. Not very clever. And I like fart jokes just as much as the next man, but these are falling flat. To the point of rolling my eyes.
Page 71 -- So, Sugar's dead? Hm. Though I don't enjoy her dialogue, I'm kind of hoping she's not. Because her role in this thus far has been pointless, outside of giving Barks some incentive to make money. But there was already incentive with him OWING money to Mr. Pellar. Hm.
Page 72 -- Okay, she's not dead.
Page 78 -- So far, there's no plot, unfortunately. Just a series of events turning up with some coincidences. Now, the scenes do affect each other (though you could cut out A LOT and it wouldn't change the plot at all).
I suppose the plot is that Ollie and Bootstraps are looking for Mickey Dee -- I guess they don't know that Mickey Dee is Mr. Pellar's son? But what are Ollie and Bootstraps' goal once they find Mickey Dee? Not very clear.
Page 81-83 -- the chat about Horn's sexuality -- What's the point of any of this? I like the dialogue, but after a while, from page 50 - where I'm at now, it becomes a bit of a chore reading this. At this point, at least me, I'm slogging through the last pages. And I don't really care about the outcome of the whole Carmody and Sugar scene outside of me not wanting to see a girl get raped. It's just listening to Carmody go on and on about himself, why he went to get checked for AIDS, what he's going to do to Sugar, etc. There's too much dialogue here, taking away from the tension of the scenes. And Sugar's character needs more for me to care about what happens to her. She says she's going to kill him -- which will most likely happen. But who cares? This kind of feels like the scene in "True Romance" with Gandolfini and Arquette... though that was more clever. And had actual action. This is just Carmody threatening her and leering over her menacingly.
Page 83 -- Ah, the farts and gassiness finally have a payoff with Big Blue having to take a dump instead of helping Carmody. I dunno, man.
Why does this discussion about being gay continue? It does absolutely nothing. Is this story supposed to be a commentary on the LGTB community? I don't think it is, really. So why is this in here at all? In fact, it puts a complete halt to any of the tension from the Carmody/Sugar scene. It's a complete pace-killer.
Page 84 -- So Big Blue dies taking a shit? Hahahaha! Alright, that paid off pretty good.
Page 95 -- So, Barks kills Carmody. Sugar has virtually no role in this film at all. I can't imagine an actress who would want to play her. There's no meat or potatoes.
Page 96 -- Ah, the gun blanks return. That was nice.
Okay, done.
Not sure what to think. The ending felt a little bit anticlimactic, even though there is a standoff, which I kind of figured would happen. I won't lie, I kinda didn't really wanna finish reading this by about page 60 or so. What's the point of colorful, clever dialogue if there is no substance to it? There's no story, here, really. I know you were kinda going for what Reservoir Dogs did with the story about a heist with no actually heist. This is about a job with no job. The "job" is a McGuffin pretty much. But there didn't really seem to be anything unique here. Which leads me to the biggest question:
Why should we care? What's the selling point, here? This borderline feels like a homage to crime/gangster flicks in the style of Guy Ritchie, Tarantino, etc. But we've seen these characters before. A lot. And we've seen stories like this before. Just as much. And, at times, this feels a little bit TOO derivative of those films. Taking familiar tropes is one thing, but I was hoping for a different twist on the genre and I didn't get that.
The writing, overall, is pretty decent. Though I got lost through some of the action. Which is weird because you properly break up your action lines according to change of focus/action, but it was lacking that oomph at times to make a visual impact.
I liked the characters overall and the dialogue, but it just felt all for nothing, you know? The plot was too boring for me to care about the characters much. And, for Barks to play that big of a part in the end result, he should be given more -- he's absent from this story for a good chunk of the story. And Sugar seemed like a plot device -- specifically, to give Barks incentive for taking a "job". Her role was meaningless in this.
And all the gay discussions also felt out of place. It felt like it belonged in a different movie.
So, those are my thoughts, Brandon. Sorry if I sound a bit harsh, but this plot needs a new spin. The characters deserve more.
-- Michael