Anything For You by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A deranged killer will do anything for the one he loves. - pdf, format 8)

Hey, Warren:

Horror is not really my cup of tea but thought this was solidly written for the most part.

I would lose all of the (CONT'Ds) - they really are not needed and are a distraction.

Thanks, eldave, for the read and compliment on the writing.

The CONT'S are automatically generated by FD. Will have a look.

In FD:

Click on the "Document" tab at the middle top of the screen.

Scroll down to "Mores and Cont'ds"

That'll open a dialogue box with some options - uncheck the box marked "Automatic Character Cont'ds"

That will disable the feature

Cheers.

Warren,

Very good job.  

We don't get to know too much about Emmett's background.  All we know is he hears and obeys voices in his head.  I liked the etching of ONE MORE on his arm.  Real or imagined, not sure, but a cool visual.

I would have liked the reveal that Emmett stole the letter opener happen in the psychiatrist's office seconds before her death, rather than in his cell.  Have her rummaging through the desk looking for it, then hear him mumbling.

Also, the ending image of the psychiatrist, although totally legit in this story, seems to steal some impact from your twist.  I loved how the orderlies started to follow Emmett as their master, and feel this is how the script should end.  Maybe have an orderly stumble upon the crime scene before Emmett takes the orderly's hand.

Just some suggestions.

Some minor typos.
EMMITT should be in all caps when introduced on page 1.
A babies cry should be a baby's cry on page 1.
The Orderly's dialogue Quite in there should be Quiet in there on page 4,

Overall, a  very good read.  Formatting was very good.  The CONTD's  really slow down the read, so just remove them.

Thanks for submitting and good luck.

Thanks for the read and good review, Dave.

I have tidied up the typos, cant believe I missed them. I am usually so careful. Really don't know how I missed EMMETT, rookie mistake.

CONTD'S removed, thanks again, eldave.

I struggled to decide when to reveal the letter opener, and finally chose to do it in the room.

I wont make any story changes for the moment, will see what the overall consensus is then decide what to do.

Thanks again, much appreciated.

Warren (aka The Machine) -- Think you did a better job avoiding the list tendencies. You changed perspectives more which I think helped. It was more visual, less of "he does this then he does that...", overall just more efficient writing. Nice job.

One issue for me was the therapist giving up on the session. Her saying things like "Screw it. I give up" and "You're a lost cause" rang untrue for me. That would be very unprofessional behavior. Pretty sure you were implying from her character description she's a bit unprofessional... but still it's too far. And more importantly, having them sitting there in silence makes for a tension-less scene.

Think you missed a opportunity here to reveal a little something about the forces controlling Emmet. Obviously you don't wanna give too much. But maybe she's a bit more clever and finds a way to get him talking and asking him stuff like "Anything for who, Emmet? Who told you to do what you did?", maybe they even talk about the voices he hears and she chalks it up to psychosis. And the moment she starts getting close to something, they get interrupted or a timer goes off for the session ending.

Also, how long before this gets optioned? Ten minutes?

Thanks for the read, James.

Glad the change in writing was noticed, I'm really working on it.

Was definitely going for an unprofessional psych.

I still write with the intent of keeping as much hidden as possible and maybe I still struggle with the line between too little and too much.

I would love this one to get picked up. It's my personal favorite.


READ ME:

There is now a slightly modified draft on here.

I didn't understand why the orderlies started following. At first I thought that perhaps he had passed on some type of curse, but then the other orderlies began following too. So it must be some type of demon, capable of possessing/mind controlling several people at once.

Why didn't the psychiatrist tag along instead of becoming a victim? Everyone else began following after the first orderly was killed and this, I assume, fed the demonic entity sufficiently enough to possess these other people. So wouldn't she have been possessed too?

Aside from that, very atmospheric, solid writing. Plenty of blood, plenty of creep factor. Nice job.

Thanks for the read and positive comments, Dustin.

SPOILERS:

Was just the one orderly, the rest were patients following. I used the CLICK to try indicate the locks opening and PATIENT 1 and 2 are clearly written.

Power given through the souls of innocent babies (common satanic sacrifice), the pregnant psych being the last victim, the "ONE MORE". She had to die.

Indication of pregnancy being her phone call.

All hidden in there somewhere.

Thanks again, always appreciate your feedback.

Code PSYCHIATRIST Hey. (listens) Thank you, we’re so happy. (listens) Four months. (listens) We --

This could mean anything. It's also not just babies that are killed so it's impossible to figure that out with what you have here.

Agreed, but in this context, the 2 original babies, the ONE MORE (baby), the gutted woman, I thought it would be enough to piece it togeather. Wasn't just relying on the phone call. More like a puzzle, you need all the pieces to see the complete picture

Will see how others feel before I make it more direct, but I do commonly get picked up for leaving too much out so it is something I try keep in mind.

You think this one is vague, my next script has so much going on it confused me half the time. I think I tied up in the end though.

Thanks.

I presumed that the 'one more' referred to one more random victim. Could just be me. Probably smoking too much again.

Haha:)

Hopefully!

Warren,

Some notes.

I like this one.  It starts where it should and goes on from there.  Whatever controls Emmet needs some victims, babies it would seem.  Two are not enough.  Three seem just right.  And whatever invades Emmet at the end seems more deadly than arsenic.  So, good job.  

Best
Richard

Thanks for the read, Richard.

Glad it worked for you.

Good gory narrative. However, one detail is missing...psychiatric patients are heavily sedated with injections, especially if violent. A doctor would never get close to a patient. It's not my favorite genre but I appreciate your creativity.
Good luck,
Fausto

Thanks for the read, Fausto.

It's not so much that I forgot that point it's more that sometimes, I think, we need to make allowances so that a story has room to grow.

If he was highly sedated and unable to get close to the psych there wouldn’t be much of a story or, at the very least, not the story I wanted to tell.

Glad there were parts you felt worked.

Quoted Text FADE IN: INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - NIGHT A FEMALE’s hand hangs down from her body, seated at the kitchen table. Blood drips from a twitching finger into a pool that gathers on the floor.

Sounds cliche.

Sounds like you're trying to emulate bad horror movies.

So you start with an already dead woman? So there's no buildup? No investment of emotion into her. There's no chase scene with an axe. You went cliche and did not even do a "Here's Johnny" moment.

The woman is not naked with blood dripping down her tits? She's.. just  dead. ok.

Nothing new and exciting visually going on? ok.

Then your main character kills two babies?

*STUDIO EXEC THROWS YOUR SCRIPT INTO THE BIN

But I suppose you did capitalise in the right places, and I can't really nitpick about your grammar.

Also, I hope someone else didn't do the thing where a killer's axe knocks on stairs as the killer walks up or down on the stairs. A copycat writer isn't a writer, after all.

And why even bother writing a script about a child killer?

A complete waste of time that deserves no praise, as this was not a venture worth doing.. that writing of yours was.

I hope other writings of yours are better than this.

Quoted from TheWarddd Sounds cliche. Sounds like you're trying to emulate bad horror movies. So you start with an already dead woman? So there's no buildup? No investment of emotion into her. There's no chase scene with an axe. You went cliche and did not even do a "Here's Johnny" moment. The woman is not naked with blood dripping down her tits? She's.. just  dead. ok. Nothing new and exciting visually going on? ok. Then your main character kills two babies? *STUDIO EXEC THROWS YOUR SCRIPT INTO THE BIN But I suppose you did capitalise in the right places, and I can't really nitpick about your grammar. Also, I hope someone else didn't do the thing where a killer's axe knocks on stairs as the killer walks up or down on the stairs. A copycat writer isn't a writer, after all. And why even bother writing a script about a child killer? A complete waste of time that deserves no praise, as this was not a venture worth doing.. that writing of yours was. I hope other writings of yours are better than this.

You're a sad little person aren't you :)

Thought I'd come back and address your idiotic points for something to do.

It sounds cliché because in a lot of ways it is and is meant to be. I think this was the third script I ever wrote; I had just watched The VVitch and wanted to write a satanic based script of my own. I love classic horrors and the way they are structured, so I purposely moulded this around that.

All your comments about the women are stupid and irrelevant to the story I am telling. That is where I wanted to start; the build-up is the rest of the story.

No studio executive is going to read this script, that’s just ridiculous. Yes he does kill two babies; neither of those deaths are on-screen. Also child sacrifice is a well know satanic ritual and is portrayed in many movies that studio executives have approved.

I would hardly consider myself a copycat writer. Do I use ideas from other movies, of course. Try to find a 100% unique idea. Most films are a fresh take on a copy of something. Marvel has built a billion dollar empire on copycat movies.

I bothered because I wanted to write it, do I need another reason?

It deserves no praise in your opinion, which I think we can all see is worth absolutely nothing. You are a talentless writer who thinks the world has it in for him. You can’t accept criticism at all.

Quoted Text A complete waste of time that deserves no praise, as this was not a venture worth doing.. that writing of yours was.

If you’re going to insult me at least do it in a sentence that makes sense.

Quoted from Warren Thought I'd come back and address your idiotic points for something to do. It sounds cliché because in a lot of ways it is and is meant to be. I think this was the third script I ever wrote; I had just watched The VVitch and wanted to write a satanic based script of my own. I love classic horrors and the way they are structured, so I purposely moulded this around that. All your comments about the women are stupid and irrelevant to the story I am telling. That is where I wanted to start; the build-up is the rest of the story. No studio executive is going to read this script, that’s just ridiculous. Yes he does kill two babies; neither of those deaths are on-screen. Also child sacrifice is a well know satanic ritual and is portrayed in many movies that studio executives have approved. I would hardly consider myself a copycat writer. Do I use ideas from other movies, of course. Try to find a 100% unique idea. Most films are a fresh take on a copy of something. Marvel has built a billion dollar empire on copycat movies. I bothered because I wanted to write it, do I need another reason? It deserves no praise in your opinion, which I think we can all see is worth absolutely nothing. You are a talentless writer who thinks the world has it in for him. You can’t accept criticism at all. If you’re going to insult me at least do it in a sentence that makes sense.

You spend too much time explaining yourself.. for someone who claims I am in some way beneath you.

You just need to lose the attitude. You haven't earned it.

Go ahead and submit more recent work to this site.

I'll find problems with your work no other person on this site will ever notice.

Quoted from TheWarddd You spend too much time explaining yourself.. for someone who claims I am in some way beneath you. You just need to lose the attitude. You haven't earned it. Go ahead and submit more recent work to this site. I'll find problems with your work no other person on this site will ever notice.

I have two new scripts up, Away with The Fairies and Clowning Around, I'd love to hear your ever so insightful thoughts.

Warren

ORDERLY (O.S.)
Don’t make me come in there.

- It’s a psychiatric hospital (criminally insane or not) so patients mumbling to themselves, off in their own world, should be a common occurrence. Does he really need to enter the room and make an issue out of it?

PSYCHIATRIST
You're a lost cause. I’m not
wasting one more minute of my time
on you.

- Wow, that’s unprofessional...I guess her inappropriately short skirt was an indicator ;)

“The orderly...”

- “Orderly” should have a capital “O” in the prose since it’s his character name.

“The baton comes down hard, splits Emmett’s head, he drops to
the ground bleeding.”

- Holy sh?t are we back in the 1900s or something...or just to the era of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest”? Is this a not-so-subtle indictment of public mental health care? This facility needs some updating in regards current codes of conduct I reckon.

Then again, I might be naive. This is a facility for the criminally insane after all so tough love has to be adopted. In that case though, particularly evident in the ending sequence, it seems severely understaffed as we only meet one Orderly throughout. Shouldn’t this place be a notch down from maximum security?

Unfortunately, there is a certain predictability to this given the opening scene and how violent and dismissive the Orderly and Psychiatrist are being to Emmett, respectively. I just knew there was some serious uppance coming! Especially from page 4 onward when he gets a response from whatever entity he is meant to be serving (presumably Satan, see pentagram) to go kill more.

This is an issue because it happens on page 4, the half way mark. Hence, for the rest of the script I was merely waiting for the inevitable to play out...and it did.

Now that can be enjoyable too as a reader/viewer but here it does more harm than good as the murder scene between Emmett and the Psychiatrist, which should be central and a shock contains very little tension or suspense as there is only going to be one conclusion.

Side note: I thought the Orderly knocked off to go to his kid’s hockey game so what was he doing back at the hospital? Are we to believe that Emmett stayed in the Psychiatrist office all night doing his stabling and inscribing until the orderly returned? Or had the Orderly never left? A small thing, just wondered.

Having said all that I did like Emmett repeating the line of the title, particularly when he is been beaten, effectively unnerving. Plus, having him recruit the other patients and the Orderly in the closing scene was a nice touch that I didn’t see coming. A unsettling revelation which promises much mayhem after the fade out.

Col.

Hi Col,

Thanks for taking a look, this is a pretty old piece of mine.

I think it's way past the point of any rewrites, but thanks again for taking the time.