The Bear Trap by Stevan Šerban - Short, Drama - When a man tries to commit suicide in the forest, there is a little girl scout and finds him smoking a last cigarette. 8 pages

contest: Austin Film Festival - Second Round, BlueCat Screenplay Contest - Semi Final - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Very well done.  I get the sense you've done this kind of thing before - screen writing that is.  Simple story, formatting is spot on, dialogue is just right, happy ending, what more can one ask for?

As far as the story goes, I think there is a pretty good one here. Problem for me is that it is bogged down with things that make it hard to read.

Small thing first up, your title page needs centring, no big deal.

The whole thing in over written. You are too specific about absolutely everything. Even your slug is too specific. Dialogue is also on the nose.

There are some grammar issues that I think are easy enough to pick up with another read.

You have a girl, 20, (forgot to capitalise first intro) then in the same sentence a YOUNG MAN, 20, (did capitalise first intro). Surely it would be YOUNG WOMAN?

No FADE IN or FADE OUT.

So with a bit of work I think you have something here.

Good luck with it.

Love the premise.

You had me with the man and the dog. I just wished you'd stayed with that simplicity.

The dog's antics are comedic which balances the heavy subject matter. Plus if you stick with one speaking character, one location, it's much more attractive to a Producer.  I love the idea of a mutt inadvertently being responsible for saving the guy's life.

The other characters overcomplicate things imh, and the sermonising from the little girl - too much for me..

Warren makes some good points btw. Needs a bit of editing technically.

And, please fix that logline.

Great idea though along the lines of Man's Best Friend.

Stevan,

Some notes.

The writing is a bit too detailed.  You don't need to write down every little thing, and I think the cigar became a cigarette at the end.  

The couple running past read like filler to me.  They're not involved, so why have them?  Angie seems ok since she's the angel.  Overall, not a bad effort.  Get the dog to do something untie the rope and you give the dog additional personality.

Best
Richard

Stevan,

Nearly didn’t open this given the logline and I suspect a lot of people won’t give this a chance because of it.  That’s something you need to address, a badly written logline suggests a badly written script.  Feels like you threw this together as an afterthought.

With that said I was surprised.  The idea could stand a trim in places but otherwise it’s not bad.  I could picture Frank’s growing frustration with Angie’s questions.  There’s an innocence to the whole scenario that works for me.  

I’m assuming Angie’s a ghost.  I looked back for some clue as to how she met her death.  I’m guessing it had something to do with her running away from camp after the dog?  Perhaps something more with her dialogue here, another hint as to what could’ve happened.  The story turns on us realising she’s in fact ‘dead’ so it could help make the reader feel for her.

The joggers feel unnecessary to the story, not sure you’d lose anything without them.

Is the season in the scene header essential?

p.6 - The cigar switches to a cigarette.

Could trim the fat here and there for a smoother read, but otherwise a simple, bittersweet tale.

Steve

Almost didn't read this due to the Log line. Reminded me of an album title that also doesn't make sense, "The Smoker You Drink, The Player You Get". But the album was good so I gave this a chance.

The action is a bit over written. could be trimmed.

I don't see the need for the couple to come by. It is filler.

What distracts me a lot is the ash tray. Why bother with a ash tray when you're outside? ant then he's inconsistent in using it. Sometimes putting his cigar out on the ground.

On the other hand, it's touching. I like frank and the dog. Other than the distractions it was a good read.

Forgot to mention that I noticed "Novi Sad, Siberia" on your title page.
Cool.