Tyler, Texas by Patrick Norman - Drama - A tormented African-American veteran kills two brutal Klansmen on a journey west, finding peace only after helping a Caucasian woman and her family in Texas. 122 pages

contest: 6th place Filmmakers International 2014, Raising Star - Canadian Film Festival 2015, Finalist - Mountain Film Festival - 2015 - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This is soooo overwritten.

Most of the action/description has 3-4 lines, sometimes up to 10 (!) lines. That just doesn't work because the pace is horribly slow....read the first page of the script and look how long it takes... a little over a minute at normal speed. That's way too long.

I understand that people want to tell every little detail but this needs to be cut down in order to be a fast/easy read.

Sorry to say but no one will even dare to read that script, most likely not even the first 10 pages.

Quoted from BenL This is soooo overwritten. Most of the action/description has 3-4 lines, sometimes up to 10 (!) lines. That just doesn't work because the pace is horribly slow....read the first page of the script and look how long it takes... a little over a minute at normal speed. That's way too long. I understand that people want to tell every little detail but this needs to be cut down in order to be a fast/easy read. Sorry to say but no one will even dare to read that script, most likely not even the first 10 pages.

This is one third of a page from 12 Years a Slave. Won and Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. Note 10 lines in one paragraph.

Scanned the first couple of pages.

Not my style, but it works. It's fine. Actually if someone digs  deeper than me, there could be a writer in there. This ain't a novice.

I gotta feel they's knows how to write...

Ta

Quoted from Reef Dreamer This ain't a novice.

Agreed.  I looked out of curiosity and found an assured writer's voice.

A bit verbose, sure, but that's their style -- not for everyone, but not wrong, either.

You're encouraged to take a second look, Ben, and see what this author is doing.

There are many, many ways to script your story.

At times the description/action are over written because you tell me in the description then the dialogue tells me again. Also, the slug tells me where we are then the action tells me again. It gets redundant.

Since we can't say "Black", could we at least be consistent with "African American"
Is it "African American" or "African-American" ?

Is the ARROGANT SOLDIER also the Racist Soldier? Again, consistency would be nice.

Page 5 - You tell me it's on the screen then you tell me it's on the screen again. Redundant. Maybe that's why you're getting comments that it's over written.

Page 8 and 9 -- Now we expound the thesis. Not sure why. The whole story should do that without this oratory. Actually, it was doing that. Well, over written. But it was doing that .

The dialogue is good. It's authentic. But I need more that that to hold me.  

I'm done at page 10. Don't mean to be rude. Just having too much trouble with it.

Quoted from Demento This is one third of a page from 12 Years a Slave. Won and Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. Note 10 lines in one paragraph.

That's a shooting script, not a spec. Plus it was written by someone who was already known in the industry, these people write scripts the way they want.

But that's not the only issue with this script.

- FADE IN -> missing colon
- Double line spacing
- "(SUPER) MOBILE, ALABAMA 1954" not properly formatted
- Lots of repetitions (slugs and description/action)
- "Boys talk as they walk past a peach orchard." but there's not dialogue!?

And that's just page one...

Sorry but I don't get why you are praising the writing...

Quoted from Demento This is one third of a page from 12 Years a Slave. Won and Oscar for Best Adapted Screenplay. Note 10 lines in one paragraph.

The writing in that is shit. Complete, utter shit. It's not professionally written at all. Disgusting that that could win best adapted screenplay... and the only reason it did is because it's about black slavery and the executives voting want to show they're not racist.

I feel genuinely sorry for all of the quality writers out there that lose out to this utter, utter shit.

Quoted from BenL - FADE IN -> missing colon - Double line spacing - "(SUPER) MOBILE, ALABAMA 1954" not properly formatted - Lots of repetitions (slugs and description/action) - "Boys talk as they walk past a peach orchard." but there's not dialogue!? Sorry but I don't get why you are praising the writing...

By way of response, I suppose I would contrast this link

With this link

Forest for the trees, and all that.  It is at least one answer to your own question.

Quoted from BenL That's a shooting script, not a spec. Plus it was written by someone who was already known in the industry, these people write scripts the way they want.

I pointed that script out because I was looking at it the other day. There are a ton of scripts that you would classify as "overwritten" that are produced and well-known. If you look at the specs on the Black List, most written by unproduced writers you'll find overwritten scripts, scripts with weird styles etc. These things aren't exactly deal-breakers. I remember a discussion about the script The Babysitter (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4225622/) on here which was written in a wonky style and had pages filled with only one sentences in giant fonts like POCKETKNIFE BITCHES! That was a spec by an unknown writer.

Writers focus too much on this technical stuff, when people in power don't care that much about it. I got a script sent to me the other day by a LA writer/director who's shoping it around, he's represented by two big talent agencies and the script has been optioned previously by two production companies. If I post it here, people would tear it apart as overwritten, having "ing" verbs etc. When that didn't stop it at all from garnering attention.

I looked over a few pages of this script. It seems adequately written. I could nitpick, but I could do that with every script every written. Rather focus on the story if I could follow the writing. I agree with Reef Dreamer, I too think it's fine.

Quoted from bert By way of response, I suppose I would contrast this link With this link

Like Dustin said, that's no proof that a script is professionally written...

I never criticised the story, just the writing style which is nowhere near a professional level. If other people don't care about industry standards then that's fine, but I do. And yes, I thought about "breaking the rules", that's why I started this other thread. But now I see things different. I want a good story AND a properly formatted script that's EASY and FAST to read.

And as far as I know from most of the comments on this site, most of the other people here share the same opinion.

I didn't mean to offend anybody but for me the script is off-putting because of what I said before. But each to his own!

Quoted from BenL Each to his own!

We agree on this  :)  No worries.

Not sure why I latched onto this one, really.  It is not an interesting topic to me -- but I did enjoy what I read of the author's voice.  And I wanted him to know, should he ever pop in to join the discussion.

Just ensuring that our site doesn't become another echo chamber for the format-obsessed.

Quoted from BenL Like Dustin said, that's no proof that a script is professionally written...

When someone pays money for it, it becomes professionally written. Whether this means it's quality writing is another matter, and that's subjective.

Quoted from BenL I never criticised the story, just the writing style which is nowhere near a professional level. If other people don't care about industry standards then that's fine, but I do.

A ton of sold specs do not conform to what people think the format should look like or what the industry standard is. A lot of times this is by choice and not by ignorance. I don't like FADE IN/OUT, so I don't use it. I used to, now I don't. I don't use the standard margins as well. I like it to be a bit wider and so on.

Like you say to each is own, but I wouldn't be overly critical of format issues with people here because a lot of times these "mistakes" are done intentionally. Pretty sure John Ridley who wrote 12 Years a Slave knows what "industry standard" looks like but chooses not to follow it in some aspects.

I appreciate ALL of the input and advice. To BenL, I would say, "Chill out"! I am a beginner and slowly immersing myself in the area of screenwriting. I am having fun and trying not to take myself too seriously. Respectfully, many of the stories I've read that have been formatted perfectly are a little dull, not a lot of interesting story in them. It would be nice if there was a service or group of people that I could submit this to who could fix these errors and give advice as to what I needed to focus on to be a better writer. One that won't break the bank! I like what Demento and the moderator had to say. Productive, intelligent back and forth. I appreciate your time!  

Might be a record for the longest response time.

There are a ton of script services out there from detailed line by line to broad overview. Of course they all cost $$ and you have no assurance that what they come up with will be any better than what you did. Add to that tons of books on screenwriting.

I have done it before - didn't think it was worth it. To many free resources out there for free. Just my opinion.

Well, at least I have that record, eh! Hahahaha! I've read most, if not all of those books, Dave. One day, I hope to meet my Bernie Taupin to my Elton John and believe at that time I'll be able to focus more on story telling and have someone to critique and fix those mistakes that I've made. I do appreciate your time Dave. Cheer!

Quoted from PatrickN Well, at least I have that record, eh! Hahahaha! I've read most, if not all of those books, Dave. One day, I hope to meet my Bernie Taupin to my Elton John and believe at that time I'll be able to focus more on story telling and have someone to critique and fix those mistakes that I've made. I do appreciate your time Dave. Cheer!

No problem - best of luck finding Bernie.

PS - huge Elton fan - seen him a dozen times. Always a mystery to me why a man with his musical genius couldn't write lyrics.

I guess we're not all like you, Dave. Some of us need a wee bit of help. Take care!