Pool Boy by Richard Russell - Short, Horror - An aging woman entices the pool boy with unexpected results. 4 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well written and an easy enough read.

To be honest, without Max having any real motivation for his actions, this falls a bit flat for me.

Well written aside from the typos. It just didn't work for me as a whole. Perhaps Max is a robot and she doesn't know. Have the reveal in small print on his truck or something. AI Pool services or such. He just follows his "program".

Liked the writing though.  :)

Nice job, was an enjoyable read. The shift from playful water game to genuine fear to helpless struggle was nicely written.

There's certainly a general lack of emotion from Max, which makes me think sociopath. In which case, I feel like the ending could use a little more to tie it all together.

Maybe at the beginning have him not be the regular pool guy. She remarks on this and says something like "not that I'm complaining" or "where have they been hiding you this whole time". Then at the end there's a scene of him walking back to the pool cleaning van, opens the trunk and there's a dead pool boy in there.  

Well, I read all 3 pages here and I'm sorry to say, but it felt like about 5 pages and ended in a whimper with no rhyme or reason as to why anything took place.

Writing-wise, it's way over written...just too much detail, way too many adjectives, way too much unnecessary detail, way too many asides or just "telling", and basically too much effort on your part to make this more than it is.

You have 1 Slug here - POOL, but IMO, there should be several, as much of this does not take place "in" the pool, but around the pool or near the pool.  This is especially clear near the end when Max dumps stuff into a trash can and pushes this pool cover button.

Being a pool owner for many years in many houses, I can tell you this doesn't work s written, as the pole and "skimmer" are not a killing tool, and Victoria could easily maneuver herself away in almost any sized pool.  It also wouldn't work in the way it's written with Victoria Straddling the pole, as you have to envision what this skimmer really is - it's a pole with a big netting on the end and it's difficult if not impossible to get around this thing, and it is not meant to get leaves off the bottom of a pool, as it's very difficult to work underwater.

Finally, Victoria comes off as one of the most cliched characters I've ever read and her dialogue is very poor, bordering on comedy.

Sorry, but this doesn't work for me in any way.

You need a clean up - several typos throughout.

I quite liked your descriptions - my test of this is that I saw everything you wanted me to see and I had a real sense of who the woman was and what she wanted.

SPOILERS

The ending is a bit empty. Yes, it is a horrific scene that is compelling to read - but too much goes unexplained and logic issues abound (see Jeff's note on pool poles as one - it would be nearly impossible to kill someone with one of those - they are light and unwieldy). Why would a pool boy kill the woman at a crime scene that only he can be placed at?).

Story Suggestion

1. She brings out unfolded newspaper with her out to the pool - doesn't open once she sees the hunk.

2. She's in the pool trying to seduce him. Says something to the effect that she is happy the regular pool guy didn't make it.

3. The Hunk says - he did - points bloody feet sticking out from under a nearby hedge - she sees that - oh fuck.

4. Hunk jumps in the pool and kills her (Strangle/stab - whatever)

5. As he puts the pool cover over her body, a breeze cause the newspaper to flap open revealing headline - "Warning - Murderer poses as Pool Boy/Handyman" - or something like that.

Just food for thought - I think you have something here - the ending just needs more rational.
  

I thought that the pool boy's actions are a bit random at the end. And that's why the ending is not shoking/moving.
I'm kind of thinking that the main action should stem from her at the end and not him. Unless it's something closely related to what she's been doing - seducing him. Don't know what to suggest here- I mean don't know how to remedy that.

Victoria is well written. Descriptions are good. Maybe a bit much in places. There are typos that need to be addressed.
But who is Max, what is Max, why is Max? I just don't care about him at all.

I think you have had some good advice above.

Max needs to be more - more rounded, more understood.

I agree the bird is good. And I like the setting. Cheap and easy to film.

I suppose the question I have for this short is...why? When you define the point, this will work. And I think it can.

Ta

Richard,

It is a tad overwritten. Your opening two paragraphs are an example of that as they're are sentences that could be combined that would make it a much smoother read.

I was actually wishing I was the pool boy, I have to say. Opportunities like that just don't arise in my every day life, I'll tell you that much. But i was on board with it, and that area seemed to flow rather well. But you totally lost me with the ending. Unless I missed it, there was no hint or clue as to why the pool boy would react this way. Without an explanation or an "aha" moment, it's kinda hard to get behind this.

Would love to hear your take on it.

Steve

Hey Richard,

I didn't really get the psychotic turn to be honest, no flash of rage across his face, no obvious change. I'm not sure if you had any visual descriptions of emotional state in there, it might help if a smile turns to a scowl, just something to bring max to life a bit.

Cam

All,

Thanks for the reads and notes.  I knew there was a reason I don't try horror very often....

Best
Richard

Dave's idea is a good one that'll help explain why Pool Boy turned killer. Instead of the pole he could kill her by holding her under the water. Once the explanation is in, this is short enough to get produced. The mansion could be switched out for a public swimming pool.

Still though... water and filmmakers are not a good mix. Too much safety involved. If an actor drowns then, even though it'll probably be their own fault, the filmmaker would get the blame.

Blame culture... where even 'accidents' are somebody's fault. Never quite understood that.

Ummm what?

This makes absolutely no sense. There's neither rhyme nor reason. This is the definition of a half baked story.

Honestly, things were going well until Victoria licked the pole. Not only is it super expository but it's flat out gross.

Develop this one further. The explanation for Max's actions don't have to be obvious. But someone has to at least see it. And judging by the comments, no one "gets it" (because there's nothing to get).

Richard,
my main concern is the monologue style...Victoria does not generate any emotions and Max is practically a psychotic mute...I understand the violent, bloody (Red blood stains the water?...Is there any other color?) ending but, in my opinion, the preparation is flat. Either you make it more erotic or work on subtext. A little rewriting will make it a good script.
my best,
Fausto