Warmer by Steve Miles - Short, Comedy - A curious toy designer picks a poor time to put his latest creation to the test… 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Great concept, not sure there's enough of a payoff to justify nine pages though. It's such a small gathering and there's no big reaction since everyone hides it for the sake of the kid.

SPOILERS!!

Think it might work better with a larger corporate dinner. Have Elaine just be one of the higher ups and then the CEO/President of the company show up as a surprise. And he's getting pissed by the end asking "Just show her where the damn doll is, Chuck." And then the kid actually says something like "I found it here! It's in his butt". Then someone spits out their water. Maybe the President's wife hurls. And Chuck gets fired.

Steve,

Brilliant. I didn't really notice any kind of nitpicks or other things. I was enjoying the story too much to even pay attention to that stuff. I just went along for the ride. With your more serious work, the writing is just relentless. But here you give a dead pan delivery that takes itself just serious enough, yet with a foreboding as to what is to come. Great job.

Steve

Hey Steve,

Nice work mate, liked it, there's a couple of tiny typo's in there but nothing major to worry about.

Straight off, I was slightly worried about the first couple of pages, being on the dirtier side of the comedy spectrum it might wind some people up. Anyway, it didn't bother me, and I thought it all worked.

It kinda reminded me of the UK sitcom Peep Show, where there's a troubling buildup every week which is flagged early, and it inevitably ends in toe curling embarrassment and disaster. The main difference between this and that show is that Skip seems to bring it round for Chuck, normalising the situation. That's potentially the only area I'd change it, if you fancied an ending which was exceptionally awkward then it could finish at the dinner table with the game of hide and seek.

Whether you revise it or leave it, the piece works so well done.

Cam

Story wise, this one wasn’t for me, but each to their own.

Well written and an easy read.

I agree that it does seem a bit long at 9 pages ,for what it is.

Good luck with it.

This is what you get for having friends who work in A&E…  

I realise this will be hit and miss for a lot of people.  I wanted to play it straight, see what humour I could get from that.  It’s not a big reaction, but Elaine is his boss, (not to mention his wife being right there) he’d have to work with her on a professional level beyond that, which was more the logic behind it.  

Thanks to all for taking a look.  If I can return the read for anyone just point me in the right direction.

Steve.

Hey Steve,

Very well written. Very funny. I couldn't stop reading. Only thing I would say is that the ending could've had a bigger PUNCH. Other than that, two thumbs up.

Hello Mr. Miles.

Well written as always.  In the middle of that dinner I was just shouting, "Get outta there, Chuck!!!  Just get out!!!"

SPOILERS

I wouldn't have found it necessary to actually state that the doll head was up Chuck's rump.  It's pretty obvious.  I also kind of started skimming the actual dinner conversation as soon as Patty and Abby started searching for Heidi.  What's funny is that Skip's doll Juan wasn't joining in the game, even though I found the probability that they both were doll mules a bit too convenient.  I wonder how Chuck would have reacted if he soon realized that his doll wasn't the only one playing hide and seek at the dinner table?

Overall I enjoyed this one.  Looking forward to another one.

Excellent, very well told. Superb writing. My only gripe is that aside from the lube going on her hair, we don't really know that he's shoved it up his arse. It's difficult to tell from the narrative alone. I think for this to work, there will have to be some visual clue early on. Lube goes on, hand holding doll disappears behind back, face registers surprise... or whatever it is. Is it surprise, Steve?

LOL.

Nice work, mate.

Steve,

Some notes.

A nice bit of storytelling even if the subject matter was not for me.  The little twist at the end worked.  I think you might have given the audience a tiny hint as to the preferences of these two men, but that's me.

And perhaps there should be something about the dolls appearance that makes them alluring for such shenanigans.  

Best
Richard

Tor, thanks for taking the time to read, appreciated.

Hey RegularJohn, good to see you on the boards.  The whole Skip doll thing was really a cheap way to get to an ending.  The humour (hopefully) was in the awkwardness of the moment, once that’s over there’s not much left to work with.  Fair point about the Juan doll not chiming in, I kind of saw the tech between the different dolls as not being compatible, again a pretty cheap wrangle.  

Cheers, Dustin.  Is it surprise?  I don’t know, but if I’m lucky enough to get this picked up I’ll leave it to the actor to decide how to play it.  I guess seeing Chuck’s facial expression could only add to the moment…

Thank’s, Richard.  More alluring?  Their heads swivel -- what more do you need?  :)

Cheers all.

Lips that move?  That might allure.

Best
Richard

This was nicely written but somewhat bizzare storywise. Like Richard, I didn't understand why these men were doing what they were doing. One, okay, maybe. But there needed to be more of an explanation or hint as to why they/he did what he/they did. Like it is right now it feels too gimmicky to me, like it's only done so we can do the hide-and-seek gag with the dolls, rather than the gag with the dolls complimenting and building on the first situation.

Quoted from RichardR Lips that move?  That might allure. Best Richard

I can't believe you put more thought into what would make a 12" doll more alluring for an anal entry. I dread to think what the moving lips are for.

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can't believe you put more thought into what would make a 12" doll more alluring for an anal entry.

Oh, come on. Like you've never thought about it.

Thanks, Demento.

To be fair it is a shameless one trick pony of a joke.  But I take your point about hinting as to more of a 'why'.  The thinking behind it was just a couple of bored middle-aged guys who stumbled on the same idea.  Nothing more.

Something to think on.

Cheers.