Therapy Session by Wes Chick - Short, Comedy - A mobile Marriage Counselor, traveling in his Winnebago/office, is faced with more than he can handle when a couple in the west Texas panhandle argue over whether the husband is having an affair or being abducted.  11 pages - pdf, format 8)

Great. Already a disaster because I flubbed the log line.
Please stand by while I work on getting corrections made.

Okay. The log line is actually fixed.

Solid writing for the most part, Wes. Got a real sense of your characters and the environment.

You did get in a habit of all characters repeating words just a little too much for me. e.g.,

Quoted Text MARTHA Then he doesn' wanna, wanna "perform" for five days, week sometimes. CLYDE Well, how would you feel if you were, if you were . . . damn near raped.

Did not care for the ending - kind of ended in a whimper.

I really enjoyed this. Great dialogue that set your characters up well.

I would have liked an age for Clyde and Martha but I just made one up for myself that seemed to work.

Easy to read and follow along, some good humour.

Only real problem for me was the ending, I think for such a great little piece it really let it down.

I don’t have any suggestions on how to make it better but that’s how I felt.

Overall, I still thought it was great.

I really dug this short.  It was charming and well written.  I feel like it has the makings of a feature.  Not centering around the couple though, but the mobile therapist.  There's so much that can be done with that.  He would have to be fleshed out a lot more, as he's pretty one-dimensional right now.

Don't get me wrong, it works as a short, but I see so much potential to expand.

Guys, thanks for the read. Really appreciate it.

Dave - the repetition of words is, for me, a part of their character. I can dial it down some.

Warren - You're right. I should have given ages for Martha and Clyde. I'll take care of that. I see them as late forties.

Dressel - I admit Tom Finch, the counselor, is one denominational right now.

So I'm thinking more along the lines of a series focused on the counselor. His character does have to be fleshed out but that happens up the road. I can't picture a feature just now but I'll give it a thought.

Thanks for the input everyone.

Wes,

It’s a fun idea but it seemed to take a little while to find its feet.  I was expecting more gags centered around the abduction angle but by the time that came into play the story seemed to fizzle out.  Think you could stand to bring up the question of the affair a little sooner.  What if this were an ongoing issue, which the counsellor was already aware of?  

Not sure the cut-aways to the thermometer and messy house added much by way of humour.  Mostly they showed us what the characters were telling us through the dialogue.  I think you could have fun with them in other ways -- focusing more on situations stemming from the abductions.  That’s the scenario I was waiting for and it never quite came to the fore.

The role of the Counsellor ended up feeling a bit throwaway.  A shame, I thought the concept of a mobile, Winnebago driving Marriage Counsellor would play a stronger role.  If anything the logline gives the impression it's 'his' story.  Maybe more a limit of the page count.  

Seems like you’re aiming for a take on American Gothic with the opening -- maybe just reference that for a visual?

‘TUBBS’ needs an apostrophe in the scene headers.

It’s a great set-up with amusing characters and dialogue.  I just think you could milk the premise some more.

Hope this helps,

Steve

Thanks, Steve. Appreciate the perspective.

Regards,
Wes

Wes,

Some notes.

This is an enjoyable little story within a bigger, perhaps more engaging story--the mobile shrink.  I like the idea.  I would suggest getting to the meat of the story more quickly, and once you're there exploring that facet more deeply.  There should be some comic veins to mine about the alien or aliens who keep coming back.  Names, descriptions, positions, etc.  Get there and run with that, and I think you'll have a nice little film.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard. I'm thinking of a series, not a feature. And, yes, the therapist does need to be fleshed out. I probably need to find a whole new starting point for his story.
Appreciate the input.