Impasse by John Staats - Western - Ambushed and besieged, a U.S. Cavalry command is outnumbered with little hope of rescue. Heroism and sacrifice are their last lines of defense. Based on the most decorated single battle in U.S. Military history. 98 pages ! - pdf, format

Now available as an e-book on Amazon Kindle! Just in time for Christmas! HO-HO-HO

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Well written for the most part, but WAY to many supers on screen, you don't need all that. If you can cut down the supers to maybe 1 or 2 at a time. All the supers will turn off the reader, but other than that so far so good.

All the best

- Max

Max - Thank you for your comments. You verified the comment made by my editor (wife) regarding the 'supers' and I've already rewritten the opening sequence to all but eliminate the narratives. Not sure if you read the entire script but keep the comments coming. Thanks again - John

I'd love to read the re-wright. So far while reading it seems very "the revenant" esc (a good thing)  It's very scenic and would make for a wonderful piece of cinema, I will comment more as I get farther in, thanks again for sharing. :D

- Max

Hey all - The new revised draft for Impasse has just been uploaded with the new opening sequence (thanks again Max). Take a read and give me feedback. Pull no punches!

Thanks - John

Of course I'd like to help/read you since you're a regular member- saw you at the OWC.

A) I looked over the script for a first impression and saw some differences in format you should fix imo:

1. too many progressive forms in descriptions and action lines

2. In spec scripts Continued at page breaks is only necessary when the break interrupts a character's dialogue
(MORE)
(CONT'D)
Erase all other versions if you want.

3. Call me nitpicky but your page numbers should be in Courier too and have a dot placed after.
+ p1 , in standard format, has NO number

4. Some sluglines have "Same" in brackets following; also some have Same after NIGHT or DAY. Don't invent new ways of formatting. Be 100% consistent.

B) Your logline here could be actually pitching a documentary. It sounds just serious about a historical subject (an interesting one, no doubt) but there's nothing about characters.

Where is the old drinker, who, together with a little girl, hunts a shooter across the landscape? True Grit.
Where is the brutal killer who changes and takes care of the gang that exploits the whores of a small village? Unforgiven

In summary: What does happen to whom during the siege???????

I look into your material soon, gimme some days, but I think all those "little" points above should be checked by you. In the end it's the little things that count (too).

Thanks for taking a read and your comments. I'm new at this (obviously) and have seen so many variations to format. I'm not using any software, just formatting a template in Word based on what I've read.

Good point re: the log-line as it does sound like a documentary. I could easily include the Buffalo Soldiers in the descriptor.

I think you'll enjoy the story. I look forward to hearing more from you.
- John

Quoted from JEStaats I'm not using any software, just formatting a template in Word based on what I've read.

I'd definitely avoid that - it will just create more problems in the long term.

Although there are not as many as there used to be, you can still find free software around - Trelby for example, and the trial version of FadeIn (you can't export to PDF with that unless you buy it though). Even Amazon gives you access to free online script writing software nowadays (though I've never used it to cannot recommend it - others might).

If you have a tablet, there are also apps, free or cheap.

If you put out a call I am sure SS members will be more than willing to recommend various options.

You rock! I just downloaded Trelby - sweet. Easy to import my existing scripts too. I'll have to send Don the revision over the weekend.

Thanks for your help!
John

Celtx looks still to be free, too, FYI.

Quoted from LC Celtx looks still to be free, too, FYI.

The very basic version is I believe:

https://www.celtx.com/index.html

Adobe Story also has free elements as well as paid:

https://story.adobe.com

There's one called "Highland" which is new to me (is this the one John August is behind?), which is cheap for writing software but I believe it's Mac only.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/highland/id499329572?mt=12

Another Mac one is "Slugline", which has a Free Trial -

http://slugline.co/

Beyond that, and the big ones like Final Draft, there doesn't seem to be much around nowadays.

I write on my iPad and have found FD to be really buggy on that working on the OWC script, so might give the Celtx app a try.

Yo, I'm back.

I researched a bit and it seems Westerns have a hard time currently.

Title: Impasse - Isn't that a French term originally?? I mean, if it's about a deep American conflict, should you choose a word which is derived and added to your origin language; especially when dealing with a historical piece…? So rethink if you like… Although, perhaps I'm wrong and impasse is a traditional American term. Then just forget what I said ;-)

John, I know you like notes on story, as any writer here, but the script over-challenges me. While there is a touchable authenticity and you seem to know your subject very well, I had major problems with the way you translate your story to the page and into my head. This kind of delivery is completely unfamiliar to me when it comes to screenwriting. Especially, I don't understand why you don't write active and in present (from the bottom of p2 it almost completely derails into progressive forms). I can send you a pm but it'd be only about technical things that I believe you should think over and work on for a while.

Perhaps others see it different. Max seems to have no problems with your style f.i…

All the best

Thanks for getting back to me. Interesting comment re: the title and it being of French origin. The Native Americans, especially of the west, were probably more fluent in French than English due to the French trappers influence. I also used the term 'parley' (pronounced like the French parlez) further in when wanting to converse with the Indians. I feel pretty good about using Impasse instead of something like 'Deadlock' or 'Stalemate'.

I realize that westerns have a hard time getting sold for many years now but with the success of Revenant, Hell or High Water, and the re-make of the Magnificent Seven, I'm being hopeful for it's resurgence (not that I'm even hopeful for Impasse). I thought of classifying this as an action/adventure but stayed with western.

Writing-wise, I'm a story teller. My technical writing skills, especially when it comes to screenplays, is novice at best. If there was any interest in this story going further, I would definitely be putting out the feelers for a writer of talent for a fix. Interested?

Thanks again and I'll see what I can do about my progressive form.
~John

Quoted from JEStaats Writing-wise, I'm a story teller. My technical writing skills, especially when it comes to screenplays, is novice at best.

Perhaps an informative story:

A man working in an office gets fed up of his job and decides to write a screenplay. This is pre-internet, so he has no idea what one looks like. He writes it anyway and sends it to a major agency. They've never seen anything like it, format wise - but they love the story, so work with the writer to turn it into a proper script.

The story was called "Blood on the Snow". Eventually it become known as "The Thomas Crown Affair" - and the author who knew nothing about screenplay formatting went on to write "Bullitt" as well.

Moral of the Story - if the story is good and compelling, no one will care if you cross your t's and dot your i's - that can be sorted out later. Don't let the Formatting Obsessives tell you otherwise.

As you see, everybody got a different opinion on screenwriting and I don't want to have a bad influence on you in any way as the previous speaker implies. The kind of judging on opinion of this certain member I give a wide berth here and in the future. So definitely my last comment. It's all said from my side here anyway. I don't want to bring in any negativity but the form needs indeed massive work imo.  And to write an expertise that gives advice to invest in necessary basics isn't easy. At least to me. It makes me feel uncomfortable to do that, all along. And if I haven't known you and said that I look into the script before, I wouldn't have commented. Fact. But as I said before, perhaps I'm wrong and others see your execution differently. Maybe Judge Simon f.i. when he once truly reads into your script, he may advice to push more ings forward and to completely avoid simple present. Who knows.    

Quoted from JEStaats Writing-wise, I'm a story teller. My technical writing skills, especially when it comes to screenplays, is novice at best. If there was any interest in this story going further, I would definitely be putting out the feelers for a writer of talent for a fix. Interested?

Seriously, you can do it yourself, John. If you got the confidence to say I'm a qualified storyteller, got passion, and want to draft screenplays properly – then work up your abilities and get more insight into the craft of that specific medium. I don't see it very critically in your case but you will, IMO, need at least a few months to research, learn, and internalize active translation of story: To restrict the use of filler words as all those ing forms, forms of to be and all the different tenses other than simple present, avoid slow and repetitive writing, and reduce long sentences. Then you should rather walk with power verbs, stay in SVO simple present writing, break up paragraphs properly, think in shots as paragraphs, develop clear images with few words, move quick on the page etc.…  First step is to write in simple present at 99,5%.

If you rewrite, I'll give it a new shot of course. Let's see what happens… Good luck with your story.

Not a big Western fan. Having said that Bone Tomahawk, despite some gory scenes (yes, I had to cover my eyes, and peek through my fingers) is one of my fav films of 2015 - horror/western, really.

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-movie/m-1447630853/s-0/

The screenplay was up on SS for a while, courtesy of Don. Some members might still have it. Can't put a finger on my own copy at the moment.

Anyway, the reason I'm giving you this info is that it was one of the best scripts I've read and yet it too was overwritten in places. Doesn't matter cause the story is a ripper and a lot of the dialogue is golden.

I skimmed through a lot of your script, and you write really well.

The main prob I had was the time it was taking for me to get into your story. But, like I said, I'm not strictly a western fan so maybe that had a lot to do with it...

I'm guilty of overwriting too, but have learned to scale it back. The good news is if you write well to begin with, and you do, you'll soon learn to edit yourself with practice, and if you read good pro scripts you'll see how the notable pros do it. Alex makes some good points re formatting and writing shots, as does Simon re 'story' being key.

Get into your story as quickly as you can. The old adage of scriptwriting: get into your scene as late as possible,  and get out early is a good tip to remember. And every para where you see an orphaned word (only cause you do have a lot of these!) work on doing away with most.

Example of where I'd streamline:

EXT. ON THE TRAIL  - DAY

Another day on the dusty trail. The soldiers seem a bit
less jovial and a little quieter. Three days on the trail
is evident as the uniforms are now more chalk colored than
blue.

No need for the first sentence recap. No need for reiterating 'Three days...
And 'show' rather than 'is evident'.

I'm being picky, yours will still pass, but:

I'd start with:

Thornburgh and Payne ride together.
Cherry and Lowry approach from down trail. (Do you approach from 'down trail? Perhaps: approach from behind,  or bring up the rear)
The mood is subdued, less jovial, their uniforms covered in the chalky dust and grit of the trail.

You've clearly got the writing chops, I just had trouble getting into the first 20 pages. Another opinion othrr than mine is needed on that.

My thoughts for now. Hope it's helpful.

Libby

Westerns are a fascinating genre.

I've been getting into them a lot recently - the range is impressive: traditional, revisionist, comedy, horror, SF - there seems little that can't be accommodated within them ("Five Card Stud", for example, is a Agatha Christie like whodunit). And they all have this common set of tropes - gunslingers, horses, stage coaches, and the rest, that the writer can use for the frame of the story.

And, of course, the themes can even be found in modern Westerns ("No Country for Old Men", the original "Assault on Precinct 13") and SF - which has often drawn on the image of the West, with settlers as colonists for example.

Thanks to everyone for your comments, suggestions and encouragement. My wife compares writing to having an ugly baby that only a mother can love. In time, with rewrites, it will 'grow out of it' and become beautiful.

I'll let you know when this one grows up...thanks again!

Cheers to a fellow western writer!

I'm at work so my time is limited, which is not fair I know to your script but I don't feel like grading papers right now so thought I'd take a look with first impressions.

Not a fan of the opening scene in that it's overly written which seems to maybe be a issue from the comments. Try your hardest to make each block of action no more than 4 or 5 lines. You have lots to cut here though. We don't need to know the color of the clothes they are wearing (clothes don't build character btw) or where their hands are. Not only are you writing your story, but in this first paragraph you are also playing the role of director and wardrobe. Just focus on action. Tell us the story. Leave out all the rest. Save that other stuff for novels.

This 1st paragraph could easily be written in 1 or 2 sentences with Meeker and Douglas staring at each other intensely.

Horse gallops, not galloping. Get rid of all the ing verbs as scripts take place in the present and not past.

You can get rid of the (OS) as that's mostly used for dialogue or sounds off camera. Why describe what the audience can't see in the first place? Or if you use (OS) simply have the sound of a loud horse gallop and stop outside the room.

"Meeker is unable to finish his command as Sowerwick yanks on the chain and Meeker falls to the floor." reads better as "Sowerwick yanks on the chain and Meeker falls to the floor." Scripts are all about word economy. Say as much as you can with the least you can.

A lot of your lines begin with Douglas this, Meeker that. It's repetitive and makes the read uninteresting. Start with action first. Flip your sentences around. For example again,
"Douglas lowers his head and lets out a deep sigh." is easily changed to

"Head lowered, Douglas, lets out a deep sigh."

Don't think you need to SUPER in the Title. This isn't a shooting script. Get rid of it.

I also don't think you need to put Wyoming into the slugline.

Especially since you mention Wymoming right below in the action. We get it. We're in Wyoming.
Write out all numbers. 50 = fifty

Now a SUPER of Wyoming again.

FIRST SERGEANT DOLAN (49)

Who is the burly man? Dolan? The way it''s written it sounded like another character to me. Conducts inspection. Not conducting.

Sorry, I gotta get back to work now. A lot of people may not have a problem with stuff like this that may seem nitpicky but to a lot of people it's a turn off. When I first wrote my script I made all the same mistakes as everybody does so don't stress. Like you said, take this baby and raise it right. Now that you have your story written and laid out it's all about rewriting and fine tuning. Your first page needs to be your best cause thats the one page you know everybody will at least read. If I have time over the next week I'll see if I can't read a bit more.

Good luck and keep at it! You're right in that Westerns are more than overdue for a comeback! Fight the good fight!

Quoted from LC Not a big Western fan. Having said that Bone Tomahawk, despite some gory scenes (yes, I had to cover my eyes, and peek through my fingers) is one of my fav films of 2015 - horror/western, really. http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-movie/m-1447630853/s-0/ The screenplay was up on SS for a while, courtesy of Don. Some members might still have it. Can't put a finger on my own copy at the moment. Libby

I have got my hands on this and plan to have a read. Typical of the strange coincidences of life, shortly after reading your comment I saw the DVD in a local shop. I'm not a great one for gory horror, so will probably limit myself to reading the script though.

Thanks to Trelby and the numerous helpful suggestions from the masses, I believe this latest revision to be a huge technical improvement from the previous. You may notice that the tagline has been changed as well.

Read on and let's see what you think of the story!

Thanks again!
~John