Alligator Blood by Brandon Saunders - Short - The stakes are high in this game of Texas Hold'em. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This one wasn't really for me.

I'm not a poker fan but thought i'd give it a read.

I don't get the title at all, is it a poker thing?

SPOILERS:

Felt no attachment to either the dad or the boy, so in turn I didn't care what happened to them.

The whole scene didn't make much sense to me. Why they were there? Why the crazy suits and masks? How did the dad get a gun? I may have missed something.

"A modest home in the in the", one too many "in the".

Maybe it's just me, I look forward to reading other people's takes on it.

Hey Warren, cheers for the read.

Quoted from Warren I don't get the title at all, is it a poker thing?

Alligator Blood:  A player who plays fearlessly when short-stacked and wins. Yeah, it's a poker thing, haha.

Quoted Text Felt no attachment to either the dad or the boy, so in turn I didn't care what happened to them.

I'm new to writing shorts. Not too sure on how to make people feel for someone properly in 1 page. I thought anyone would feel sorry for a Dad who just witnessed his wife murdered and is playing for his sons life in a game of poker with sadistic, crazy dressed mother fuckers in creepy ass masks.

Quoted Text The whole scene didn't make much sense to me. Why they were there? Why the crazy suits and masks? How did the dad get a gun? I may have missed something.

They were playing for the life of the Dad's son (Boy) in the boot. Dad is in debt to the "Sharks" (loan sharks) and Gangster is there to deliver (kill).

Perhaps I need to emphasize that a bit more? I tried to do it in a way where I didn't have to go straight on the nose with dialogue.

I'm interested in other people's take on that. Open to suggestions.

The crazy masks and colored suits was for something different. Show the Gangster's he's playing with are a little unhinged. I thought about having gangsters dressed in gangster clothes, drinking whiskey, but I thought, what the hell, let's make this different.

As to how he got the gun.. I don't know. We don't see it. Maybe he's a kick ass boxer?

Thanks for taking the time. I still need to read your Schoolies Week!

Hey Brandon,

SPOILERS:

The fact that his wife has just been killed, his kid is tied up, and he is potentially going to get a bullet is great. Where the lack of connection for me lies is that Dad is relatively calm about it all, yes he swears a bit but he shows almost no emotion. If he's the dad and doesn't care, why should we?

For me there has to be some link to him getting the gun or it's just a convenient plot turn. Two seconds earlier he had a gun and razor pointing in his direction.

Great title then:)

I keep getting distracted by short ideas. I'll get it done soon, hopefully.

Quoted Text Where the lack of connection for me lies is that Dad is relatively calm about it all, yes he swears a bit but he shows almost no emotion. If he's the dad and doesn't care, why should we?

I have tried to make him a bit of a hard arse. Good point though.

Quoted Text For me there has to be some link to him getting the gun or it's just a convenient plot turn. Two seconds earlier he had a gun and razor pointing in his direction.

I get ya! I got an idea  ;)

Thanks mate

Format is good. Writing is solid. There are a few word choices I don't get but that's probably a cultural thing.
So why are we playing poker? In the end it boils down to who shots first.
What has Dad done to cause these guys to show up in the first place?
What game did Dad lose that caused his wife to be killed?
You did have me worrying about the fate of the boy. That kept me going.

Brandon,

Some notes.

This one isn't a bad start, but the story needs some work.  I think you get a lot more mileage out of the son if you don't show him.  Just show the car and the thumping in the trunk.  Let the audience stew a bit before you reveal.

The wife is dead, and the thugs are going to kill dad, but there has to be a reason to play poker.  What is it?  It could be a time thing.  They have to wait an hour in order to give the boss an alibi or something.  

You can make dad a bad ass without showing something.  Maybe in the first encounter Dad gave a thug or two a black eye or broken arm, something to show that he is dangerous as hell.  Otherwise, we can't believe the ending.  If you want to put some Army medals in the story great.  You can have a thug call him major or colonel, dissing him.

Best
Richard

Quoted from Wes Format is good. Writing is solid. There are a few word choices I don't get but that's probably a cultural thing. So why are we playing poker? In the end it boils down to who shots first. What has Dad done to cause these guys to show up in the first place? What game did Dad lose that caused his wife to be killed? You did have me worrying about the fate of the boy. That kept me going.

Hey Wes, thanks for taking the time to give it a read.

We are playing poker because It's the Gangster's way of giving Dad a chance to exit his debt peacefully. I just thought it was something cool. I notice now, I should specify this more. I left a few unanswered questions and will definitely tend to them in the next draft.

I'm glad the fate of the boy kept you in it.

Quoted Text This one isn't a bad start, but the story needs some work.  I think you get a lot more mileage out of the son if you don't show him.  Just show the car and the thumping in the trunk.  Let the audience stew a bit before you reveal. The wife is dead, and the thugs are going to kill dad, but there has to be a reason to play poker.  What is it?  It could be a time thing.  They have to wait an hour in order to give the boss an alibi or something.   You can make dad a bad ass without showing something.  Maybe in the first encounter Dad gave a thug or two a black eye or broken arm, something to show that he is dangerous as hell.  Otherwise, we can't believe the ending.  If you want to put some Army medals in the story great.  You can have a thug call him major or colonel, dissing him.

Hey Richard. Thank you to you too for having a read.

That's an interesting thought about now showing the son until the end. I think it would work well both ways, but I'll have a look into it.

You raise another good point about having the Dad give one of the grubs a five knuckle shuffle. It'll keep the tough guy thing I'm going for and make it more believable when he takes the gun off the gangsters at the end.

Although your military approach is interesting, I think I might go with a Boxing angle. Have boxing gloves hanging on the wall and a fresh newspaper on the couch reading "Punters furious over local boxing bout" or something like that. It would also add to the whole gambling thing I'm trying to put across.

Thanks for the time peeps.

So, as some of you know, I made my directional debut yesterday after writing and producing my first project and I'm pleased to say it was a complete success. I am 100% stoked with how everything turned out and even more stoked that the rain held off until today!

I will be entering this into Tropfest Film Festival so, unfortunately, I cannot put this out to the public to view until after the 11th of Feb, but as soon as that is done, I will ask to have this put up for your viewing!

I, of course, finalised the script after receiving all your helpful notes, so if you want to read the final draft: https://www.dropbox.com/s/ijn8sgwjwllq0zk/FinalDraft.pdf?dl=0

Here are some pics of the cast, crew and set.



I'm the ugly bloke on the far left.  ;D

Awesome. Check your inbox. I explained how to attach a photo, something I recently figured out with the help of  the good people at SS.

Great job, looks awesome! Really impressive makeup.

Cheers for the update, Don! Had a lot of fun with this!