Meeting Death by James Barron - Short, Drama - A dying cancer patient meets the Grim Reaper himself and must fight for every last breath. 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey James,

Not sure how I feel about this one.

SPOILERS:

Yes death is reaping another soul but I think it lacks any actual conflict. Your logline suggests otherwise but I’m not sure where it was. The most he does is try drag himself to the EMT.

The dialogue is very expositional. Which is definitely the easiest way to say everything you want but I think it takes away from a good story.

You generally write higher budget pieces, why stop now.

I think a few flashbacks to see the push, the first death and so on would add to this, but that’s just me.

Nurse Jackie? Really?

One other thing, you say he is "pale as his hospital garbs" but then all the colour drained from his face. Seriously how white is this guy?

Anyway, I think it has potential, be interested to hear other people's take on it.

Good luck.

James,

Some notes.

We have a very chatty death for no particular reason.  Does it really make any difference if David accepts Death as Death?  I mean, death as seen this so many times, isn't it boring by now?  Or would death like to play games now?  Make David think something different, give him false hope?  In any case, this one wasn't novel enough or clever enough.  It has possibilities, but it has to be different from what has come before.

Best
Richard

Hey James,

I liked it all the way through up until the ending. It feels like it has no ending. I don't know what's supposed to end it, but purely have him die - this is too bland for me.
I'm thinking for this you have to change the middle. Maybe make David want something, fight something - I don't know. Otherwise there's simply no conflict.
If read like you're leading somewhere, driving at something - but I'm not sure what.
I wish Death was arguying with David. In all Death vs human movies they argue. Strangely I just read a piece about Death trying to take Cinderella's Godmother. That Godmother had to find her next Cinderella, Cinderella #13 and Death was supposed to take her if she didn't do it by certain hour. They thought all the way through, then the Godmother decided she could be Cinderella herself. So Death lost - she was Cinderella #13. What I'm trying to say is - have them fight!))

Where's the payoff? Seriously, I was invested all the way up until the end. Every short needs either a punchline or twist...and this has neither. It just ends.

I like what you have going on here. You just need a better punchline and therefore a better set up. What happens after our protag kicks the bucket? There's a bunch of different ways you could approach this subject. Just dig deeper and develop further.

Thanks for the reads. I was gonna declare this one a goner but I just re-worked a decent amount including the ending. Started at like 1am so hopefully it's not too rough around the edges. If you liked it up until the end, feel free to have another go. I think it's significantly improved although maybe I'll be singing a different tune in the morning.

Well I read this last night, looks like I have to read the second version now too. The first wasn't too good as some of the dialogue was on the nose. IMO, good dialogue can override bad action description... but never the other way around.

Code DAVID How’d you know that? You a Doctor?

Instead of this, you could be more subtle... perhaps David laughs and says something along the lines of "Nice joke, Doc. Make the dying guy feel even worse, why don't you." Not precisely that, I couldn't actually see your character uttering those words so precisely. It's just an example of how to be more subtle... how to convey the same information without asking a direct question.

Then Death should ignore the subtle question and continue convincing David that he knows way more than he should.

Code MAN I am Death. The Grim Reaper. And I’m here to collect you to the other side.

'here to collect you to the other side' This section of the sentence doesn't make proper sense in good English. You're mixing collect and take. Take in this context means to lead. When you collect something you fetch it from a certain place. Hope that makes sense.

Code DAVID You’re a sick fuck for trying to screw with a cancer patient’s head. You need help.

David should already be convinced by now. Be more of a confused mess than somebody outright denying that something strange is happening.

Code MAN David, you’re embarrassing yourself.

Always seek to replace dialogue with action whenever you can. If an action can say the same thing then drop the dialogue. Here, for example, Death could simply watch with a bemused glint in his eye.

Why was Death afraid at the end? In one of his initial statements he watched the first man die and seemed to enjoy it. Even saying that he killed him. It's one thing picking somebody up and taking them to the afterlife after they die but quite another to be the one that actually kills them first.

I do like the idea of he beating Death... it's an age old tale, beating Death in a game of some description. Death is well known to like playing games (according to story lore anyway). To beat Death here, you're going to have to get more inventive. Bring us something different. The love angle seems to me to be clutching at straws. Desperate for an angle, you pick a weak idea and run with it. Maybe it's not such a weak idea though... maybe it's just lacklustre at the moment and needs working into the story properly.

This feels more like a work in progress than a finished story at the moment. Put some work in though and it could be great.

All the best with it.

James. minor issue but you have to get a different name for Nurse Jackie - it is a Showtime series.

I agree with Dustin's comments on the OTN dialogue. And in some cases sentences could be shortened to make it crisper. As an example:

Quoted Text MAN Actually, you need help. You’re going into cardiac arrest now. In a few minutes, it’ll all be over.

IMO just reads better as:

MAN
You’re going into cardiac arrest. It's over.

It removes all the implies we know - we know he needs help, we know that cardiac arrest causes death so we don't need the soon or few minutes, etc.

Anyway - I think what you are missing here is some over-arching theme that ties this together. My suggestion - make it something akin to deaths are caused by happenstance (disease or accidents like in the case with his brother) or by selection (The Grim Reaper select those who don't deserve life anymore). In this case - unlike his twin brother, David was selected for death.

In that vein - the two days of life payoff doesn't work. i.e., we are not going to get that much invested if he only has two days to live anyway. Why not make it that he was in the hospital for something that was survivable (e.g., repair of a heart valve or something) so that when he postpones death it is for the opportunity to live a useful life where he won't be selected again. Next time he dies - it will be naturally.

Anyway - just food for thought.

Thanks all for the feedback. I won't address anything specific other than to say I agree with pretty much every point made so far. Think this one needs a significant amount of work so no need for further reads unless you really want to. I'm gonna put this aside for a bit and hopefully revisit it soon. If/when I get a thorough re-write in, I'll update the thread.

To be honest, I'm not a fan of the rewrite. The first version was a bit more humorous and this edit is almost completely devoid of any humor whatsoever. It doesn't have a consistent tone nor a clear message. I think the whole "I'll be back in two days" should be said at the very end so that there's some kind of punch.

I try to focus on what you're trying to say and what kind of tone you want to convey. Also get rid of the rose at the end. Super cheesy.

Let me know if and when you rewrite this again. I'd be happy to take a look.

James,
Death is a difficult subject to write about...it can be dramatic, comical and/or romantic. In my view, your script, albeit stylistically good, needs more drama...being able to meet death requires deep confrontation. The ending does not give the reader a sense of dramatic closure. Maybe a more intense dialogue with the nurse or a philosophical monologue about death (his death and his brother's death) would enhance the perceived conflict about death and life. James, you wrote a good script but it needs more drama, more conflict. Death is a serious thing...
My best,
Fausto