No Clowning Around by 0 - Short, Drama - A clown takes a taxi to a birthday party and along the way learns a lesson. - pdf, format 8)

Good premise, I enjoyed the clown/bank transition. I thought Richard's decision to leave the bag in the car was interesting, and stems from his first choice - well done. After the plot takes a turn at the bank though, the exchange between Richard and Amed didn't resonate with me, it seems like an odd direction after the stakes. Anyway, pretty good idea here.

Poor  Richard.  Bills can kick you in the butt.
I liked the story, but I would have liked to seen the point when he changed his mind.

Good job.

Congrats,
Cindy

I liked the tone of this, sort of reminded me of the cabbie in Deadpool... but... I thought the girl giving him the cash didnt feel right and leaving the cash after the effort - didnt work for me i'm afraid.

But well written and the transformation to a clown would look goog filmed.

A few grammar issues throughout. They are mistakes though because one time you do it right then the next you don't. Like a comma when you address someone directly.

It's over written. He puts one leg in then the other leg in then the shoulder. We don't need all of that and it makes this script longer than it actually is.

Sorry but this does not fit the premise of the challenge. Not one point at any time in this script is anyone trapped in a cab. So if you don't have that it really doesn't work.

Writer,

A pretty heartfelt little morality tale. I liked it, just feel some of your dialogue is on the nose. It could've been more subtle in places -- less is more. I like the idea of him robbing the bank, but not sure how I like him leaving Amed holding the bag and to try and sort this mess out.

I like Richard being a clown trying to make his daughter happy. Btw, do we know how how old his daughter is? I don't remember if you put it in. It would've helped to do that if you didn't. Anyway, I think this has potential if you're willing to rework it. Good job.

Steve

Mistaking shirt for shit gave me a good chuckle. A bit bland, not much character or anything beneath the surface. The reasons behind the money seem a little dull, I'm not saying the driver's wrong, but there's probably a better solution than saying "give the money back and just deal with your shitty life." Motivations could use a rethink. The structure's there, it just needs refining. Also, wouldn't they just ask the taxi driver who stole the money?

As I'm reading I'm thinking like Jeff, whoa, there's a lot of orphans. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but it kind of affects my read. Just saying.

Yeah, I liked that. Nice twist.'

I doubt it will be everyone cup of tea.

Consider

Really nothing gripping me as I read this one.  Hoping for some kind of crazy twist at the end to salvage it.

Bank "robbery" doesn't feel earned.  Guy is clearly at the end of his rope, but forgetting your wallet leading into a bank robbery seems a bit ridiculous.

Amed is pretty stupid to not realize what happened immediately when Richard gets back in the cab.  

So this all boils down to a guy who thinks he's owed something by the world, and a bank teller giving him 20k bc she too hates her job... then there's a cabby who tries to act as a psychiatrist on a 5 minute ride... who in turn returns the money to the bank?  

He could have at least dropped his good guy routine and speed off with the money for himself or something...  at least that would be kind of a "twist."  Or just kill the last line of dialogue and leave it ambiguous.

I'm not 100% on what your intention was for him leaving the money behind.  Was it a change of conscious when he saw his daughter, or was he distracted and just simply forgot it?  Either way, I still don't know about this one.  I assume it's the first one, but if that's the case, the action lines need to be written a little better in that part.

I feel like your spin on "trapped in a taxi" would be some kind of explanation about how this guy is "trapped in his life" but also in a taxi... and I don't know if I buy that fitting the criteria.

Gonna have to pass on this one.  Sorry.

I didn't like this one, at all.  You can't just return the cash.  He's a wanted felon.  He will go to prison, not jail.  Even if it wasn't armed robbery, it's still a federal offense.  

No one was trapped in a taxi.  

It was kinda funny in spots.  

Sorry, but, not being trapped in a taxi + choices that make no sense = failed experiment.

4/10

Dan

Writer, it's a nice little story. Good man gone bad, only to go good again, it's a lot to arc your way around in 9 pages but I think you got there. A good few grammatical issues in there, but I'll let that pass as I liked the overall work.

However, no one here is trapped in a cab, therefore didn't meet the intial challenge rules.

Overall good effort but let down by lack of trapped persons

Okay, so a little rough out the gate writing wise but I really thought you were on course for something good here.

You set up the conflict between the two characters with Richard, the unwilling clown, kind of an asshole but you feel something for him cause he’s doing it for his kid.  And Amed the put upon cabby who picks him up -- grounds for a good contrast.    

Then you went and ‘robbed’ the bank.  Even more oddly, we’re told the cashier just kind of gave him the 20k…  Perhaps if we knew Richard had previous for robbery -- maybe he’s combining robbing the bank with going straight to his daughter’s birthday, clown disguise/alibi?  

I don’t know, the logic just isn’t there for me.  There’s no consequences (I don’t think you can simply just take the money back).  I don’t know you even need something as drastic as a bank robbery to make this work.  

I couldn’t really see who was trapped - Amed wasn’t exactly unwilling.

There’s something in this, but it misses the mark for me.  Outside of the challenge this could be worth a rewrite -- just as long as you proofread your title page...

The bank part of the story is too out of the blue and doesn't fit. I thought that the father was going to be a grouch and then learn how to be a better person.

Pass.

Cute story, a simple little lesson in life.

Was he actually trapped? I don't think so, he got in and out of the taxi pretty easy lol
Maybe the taxi driver should have locked the doors until he learned his valuable lesson.

Good job on entering

Great story in the beginning. Loved the interchange of dialogue, the humour Ahmed saying he is not Muslim, the getting into the clown outfit,  your main character bitter about his ex - all great, but then him not having his wallet throws him into a spin and the story takes a wild (bank) turn.

You lost me at that point. Nobody trapped, and I really think he would have kept the money - daughter would have presumably jumped into Daddy's arms plenty of times. Real abrupt turnaround. I have a sneaking suspicion you tossed up lots of scenarios with this one, then deadline loomed.

Loved the beginning, so don't waste it, go back to the drawing board and I'll look forward to reading what you come up with.  Perhaps he turns up late and the ex's new man is also dressed in a clown suit. Either way it's a story devoid of the trapped angle but worth developing imh.

Some notes.

I thought this one had possibilities, but it turned into a morality tale.  And I don't for a moment think some bank teller is going to give 20k to a clown.  but that's me.  So, I don't quite buy it, and as I read it, the clown wasn't locked in the cab.

best
Richard

I like how a lot happened in a short amount of time in this script. Great, redemptive twist in the end. Good job!

I thought the premise was great but I am not sure in terms of the challenge premise that anyone was "trapped" in a Taxi - all there voluntarily.

It opens well and the characters seem quite natural.

It idles a bit in the middle.

This typo exists throughout the script:

Quoted Text AMED Very good sir. My name is Amed. What is yours?

Needs to be a comma before sir or any other character names - an issue throughout.

Quoted Text AMED Ah, yes. No that makes sense.

should be "now"

Sorry. Doesn't fit the criteria. No one is trapped in a cab

Outside of the fact that the bank heist is highly implausible, it was somewhat charming.... It also put me in mind of 'Quick Change'.

I couldn't help it. I went back and cast Lassie in the role of the cab driver. That works... fun script.

^ Quick Change. Totally.

I loved the first half of this script and was disappointed when we got into bank robbery territory -- though I like the idea of the teller just giving it. If the idea was that everyone is kinda beaten down by this world, though, Amed doesn't really fit with that.

I'd love to see this story go in a completely different, and quieter, direction. A man has to play the clown at his daughter's birthday, in front of his ex and her new guy. That's a brilliant image. The bank is too much. There has to be some other adventure that these two characters can get in that doesn't pull all the focus off the main idea -- the world beats you down, but family and your important responsibilities can bring you back up.

Strong character work undone by odd plot choices, for me. Would like to see a radical rewrite, for sure.

Despite a few missing words (and an extra space), I loved it.

This is a unique interpretation of "trapped in a taxi" -- being, trapped in your own life, in a taxi. But at the same time, the driver ends up being "trapped" with the bag of money the clown stole from the bank.

When Ahmed says he's going to the bank, two things popped in my head (subtext):

I'm going to the bank to return the money.

I'm filthy stinkin' rich!

But it's more likely the former.

I don't feel it was overwritten or anything; in fact, I can see the picture in my head. Very good, descriptive writing. Compelling drama.

Awesome job! Recommend. A

There's two completely different stories here. A man dressing as a clown for his daughters birthday and a man robbing a bank. As written, there's no tie-in between them. The clown stuff is literally never mentioned again once we get to the bank... might as well have never happened. I recommend either picking one concept and developing the whole story around it or finding a better way to combine the two.

An idea for combining:
I like the idea of a cab driver picking up a man who's at the end of his rope. Play up that dynamic and make it more extreme. Have the driver be an unwitting participant in this man's slow descent into despair and ultimately crime. So it starts with the driver consoling and offering advice to a strung-out father. Maybe he's telling him he has to "seize the day" and make a statement to turn his life around... which leads to the father, dressed as a clown, robbing a bank (through violence rather than being handed money) and suddenly the driver is part of a getaway with a face painted maniac.

A Good Samaritan cab driver dispenses advice to a wayward father while he is in his cab.  A brief stop at a bank and subsequent departure with a bag of money by the father provides an opportunity for the Good Samaritan to do his thing. Needs something. This could be interesting as a comedy. You know, laughs with a lesson.

I like this, quirky and charming.

Watch out for micro-managing the actors. You are directing every movement. It is very distracting.

Loved the exchange between the two characters. The dialogue is great for the most part, a few on the (red) nose moments but apart from that I enjoyed the banter. Some great comedy moments, particularly the near accident causing him to smudge the screen with the clown make-up!

I even bought into the whole robbery scenario - it had an Out of Sight vibe to it and I could see it working.

An unsatisfactory ending which felt more like the end of a scene than a nice resounding end to a story. Not bad at though for one week's effort. Unfortunately if I was voting on this I'd be obliged to pass it as no-one was trapped in a Taxi, but I really enjoyed it.

-Mark

2nd to last read, so I'm rally trying to stay in until the end...but it's very difficult.

Lots and lots of mistakes - typos, missing words, missing commas, orphans, nothing but dialogue...just very dull and no trapped in a cab, through Page 5.

I like the Phoenix setting, but you didn't give us any visuals to make that clear.  Starting on a "SIDEWALK" is not the way to go.  The sidewalk is somewhere - downtown, in a neighborhood, in front of a shopping center - something we can visualize.

Richard is a total shithead and I don't give a shit about him.  Cliche, dull, and annoying.

The end.

Totally unrealistic.  Nothing about this works for me, sorry to say.

Grade - D

I wish you hadn't put clown in the title and logline, as I imagine that changing into the clown suit would have been more amusing had we not known he was going to be a clown.

Anyway, a nice little story. Nothing spectacular, but it was thoroughly enjoyable.

This is a solid script. I couldn't complain about anything except that you picked a story that couldn't possible flourish withing the confinement of ten pages. Everything felt rushed and dry. There wasn't enough for us to really root for Richard and his problems. There wasn't enough room for Richard character to "naturally" develop and change. It got all the right elements, but they were like paper cutouts not the real things. Either they didn't have enough depth or they weren't delivered with the right pace.

You could have had Richard plan the heist from the start. He has a gun inside the bag. It would serve as a twist for us once we realize his real intentions. Amed could have the conversation with him before they reach the bank. And we could get to the moment where Richard has to decide to go for it or not after whatever effect Amed's talk had on him. Amed could tell him a story about himself, that would make Richard rethink his decision. We could also see in the end, police coming out of the bank as a way to say that if Richard went for it, it would have been a great mistake.

I'm just making stuff up to try and find a way to make a compacted version of your story where every moment in it goes for maximum impact on the reader.

But like I said. You are a solid writer and you got all the elements right. You just need to make them more powerful and compelling.

Well done.

The surprising twist is a good one. Just beware of losing too much time and viewers with placing it too late. Somehow it's a double-edged sword because the dragging plot, on the other hand, also serves the surprise very well.

Definitely an unfamiliar, talky driver was my first impression of Amed.

Sweet tale. Faster and a bit more to the point, then this could be better imo.

Thanks for all the feedback on this (good and bad).  Was thinking of making this having an actual working clown and maybe robbing the bank for real, and terrorizing the driver.  It could be an option in case someone wants to take it in an edgier direction.

Plus, Steve Miles gets the award for pointing out the fact that I misspelled my title (since been fixed)!!!!  My spellchecker doesn't check the title page, but will pay more attention because that screams rookie and gets me out of the door faster than an empty wallet at a strip club!

I didn't even catch the title mishap....

Hey Jeremiah,  I didn't care for this mostly because I didn't care for the clown.  

You ever see a movie called Hero with Dustin Hoffman?  He's a really unlikeable character who saves a plane load of people before fire kills them all.  It's a good movie that really delves into people.  

Perhaps instead of making him so whiny he could be working 3 jobs, but, it still isn't enough to help his son (perhaps he's sick) so, he decides to rob a bank.

Plus the ending of the cabbie turning around to bring the cash back really doesn't work that way.  Now, you could have the cabbie TRY to do that, gets into trouble, and shows where he let the guy off and lies so they won't be able to catch him.  

You really have an issue once he does rob a bank.  That becomes a federal crime with mandatory prison time.  

You do have a good idea for a story, but, it really needs to be fleshed out a bit more.

Not having the restrictions of the OWC should help a lot.

Dan

Hey Dan, yeah that title mishap has been fixed!

Yes, I've seen Hero and like it a lot.  One of my favorites.

He didn't really go in planning to rob a bank.  I tried to make it more of a temporary insanity thing.  He forgot his wallet and was just going to withdraw money.  At the last second, he wrote the note.  I guess I didn't portray that good enough.  I have also thought of having the guy a real clown (working clown) with him more sinister and terrorizing the driver.  All kinds of ways I can fix this.

Well, if I would have had the cab driver do all of that, I would have run out of page count! :)  It was really to show the driver was a good guy and wanted to do the right thing.  The guy was just happy to see his daughter, that he just forgot about the money.  Sappy ending I know, but I'm sappy!  Again, I can make this as sinister as I want.  Killer clown, robs bank, leaves exploding money bag for the cab driver just when you thought he let the driver go - when the clown gets out!

Oh, and I've already been contacted by someone that wants to film this as it is.  Low budget, but hey who knows. 8)

Thanks for the comments, Dan.