Deadly Companions by Pam Seckinpah - Short, Thriller - A deadly game of blackmail is played out in taxi. But who is playing who? - pdf, format 8)

This story doesn't waste any time getting to the drama. I could see every double cross coming, and everything happens so quick it's hard to settle into any of these characters emotionally. This is the type of story that asks the reader to choose sides to be effective as a thriller, but I couldn't get onboard with anyone. I could see this working more as a climax in a feature.

There was a lot of plot, and the plot was pretty good...but unfortunately I just didn't care about anyone, or anything in the script.

You just need to find a way to make us empathise with one or another character in the piece,

Good effort,

Well written and nice twists and turns. Ideally you'd want more development of the characters but with ten pages that's practically impossible when there's that much going on with the script. I liked it, well done

I also just couldn't find any empathy for any of the characters. I also felt that, at times, the dialogue was unnatural and a but arrogant.
The writing is solid. Just nothing here I care about.

I'm with the others, good story here. It's well written and never really dragged.  

With stronger characters this would be much better. This one was held back by the page limit.

Not a bad effort at all.

~Zack~

Nicely paced thriller, twists and turns well too... just needs some extra work on the characters to give them some more depth, they feel a little light imho

Good effort

It's written well enough, but it's just convoluted, corny, overly dramatic, and completely unrealistic.

Dialogue is very, very poor, and makes each character come off as some kind of sock puppet.

Nothing here rings remotely true and everything is so matter of fact.  There's just way too much going on here in 9 pages, but the even sadder part is that it's all dialogue, with little to no action whatsoever.

For some reason, you chose not to give any kind of description to any of your characters, which is one BIG reason they all come off so flat and unrealistic.

Finally, no one is trapped in a cab, so in reality, it misses the mark of the challenge, on top of all the other issues going on.

This is one of those scripts that just completely misses the mark in terms of story/plot/concept.  Writing isn't the issue at all, but the grade has to be a D.  Sorry, but I have to be honest.

Hmm torn on this one. Great setup, and although the zero char descriptions didn't bother me, the dialogue did become very skimmable halfway through.

Someone mentioned a lack of tension and that was certainly true - at times everyone was downright chummy and I was waiting for them to clink champagne glasses in the cab lol.

Jeff pointed out that no one is trapped in the cab, and that is the main criteria of the challenge (so technically any that don't meet this shouldn't rate well) but it would be easy to fix this in a rewrite.

Giving it a pass but rewrite will be a consider

So much for subtext, pretty much the entire plot is talked out.

Yes there were a few twists and turns but they are made so much less effective when they are reviled through expositional dialogue.

I also personal like to know a rough age of the characters at the very least as it helps put things into perspective sometimes.

Pass from me.

Was humming along but then Daddy's company came into it and it all got a bit messy. Adding the 'trapped' in dialogue towards the end was a bit too 'tell' for the sake of the challenge too.

I suggest you rewrite and stick to the three way double cross. It's a good idea but the current version is just way too convoluted and you lost me mid-journey. :) Good premise just simplify it.

Too many twists for this amount of space, not enough time spent on character. The twists are lots of fun, but we gotta side with one person to really enjoy them.

Kudos for designing a twisty mystery in a week, though!

I agree with everyone else.  Lots of plot, confusing with who's doing what.  We never know why anyone agrees to do this because there is SOOOOO much plot that I don't know anything about anybody.

It's all talk, no show.  

I can safely say the page limit really hurt you.  This should have been a 30 page story, at minimum.  

One of the true tests for me is to reread the script AFTER knowing all the tricks.  The beginning falls apart since she knows who he is already.  So, she'd never say that stuff.

I thought the dialog was at best okay in places.  

Great idea, just too much to pack in such a short space.  I gave you a 5 because she was never really trapped in the taxi.  I don't recall a gun, from anyone.  I have no clue how anyone died, and those sorts of issues.

5/10

Dan

Writer,

Johnny's right -- wasted no time here. I like that. But he's also right about things being so rapid fire there's no way for the reader to have any connection to the characters at all -- especially when one is named just DRIVER -- a mistake in my book. A story like this has no chance to grow on you because it's mostly dialogue and really no emotion, nothing to latch onto. Instead of letting my mind wander a bit, I was too focused on trying to keep up with what all these characters were saying. IMO, this needs to be trimmed -- the dialogue pared to a minimum to allow these characters to breathe a little. Twists and turns are good, but not when they're just told to you through dialogue only.

Steve

Some notes.

I like plot heavy, twisty stories where people turn out to be nothing like they pretend.  In this case, it wasn't quite good enough, and the characters didn't ring true.  I'm reminded of the lesson of Occam's Razor.  Not a bad effort but the dialogue needs some work.

best
Richard

First - solid, crisp writing for the most part created a real nice pace.

At times, the dialogue got a little clunky - easily fixed in a re-write. Just thought some it was unnatural as it was introducing plot points.

SPOILER

One hiccup for me up front was that Linda didn't seem to know the driver at first and the twist laer was that she was(or at least she thought so) plotting with him. Ergo - Couldn't figure out why it seemed she didn't know him early on.

Good effort

Took a couple reads to put it all in place, even now I’m not entirely sure…  

‘Michel’ was Stephen, who was having an affair with Linda who was married to David who was set-up by Driver into thinking he was meeting Stephen who would kill Linda whom Driver had also contacted in order to double-cross David to take the embezzled money and thus frame Stephen for the murder of David and Linda in a tragic murder/suicide...

It’s a lot to ask for in ten pages.  You end up sacrificing any deeper connection to the characters in favour of racing the plot into place -- kind of just room enough for the reader to follow or feel something, I doubt both.  Not a bad idea, keeps the reader on their toes, just missing any emotional subtlety and pace.  Perhaps one to revisit without the confines of the challenge.

Escalates very quickly. I think maybe more time could be spent getting to know the characters. If you DO want to jump right into it, I'd consider starting with the threat already present, which could engage the reader in trying figure the situation out while cutting out all the boring stuff you seem keen to fly past.

I got pretty lost in all the plot twists being thrown at me. Without knowing who these people are it's impossible to understand the significance of all this, or what kind of scam is being run for what reason. If Linda and the Driver are running a scam, why did she act like she didn't know him even when no one was around? And is it a mutual scam or is she being threatened? I just feel like I don't know anything I need to.

Wow thats a busy girl.

David Michael and I learn at the end she has a husband and its neither David nor Michael but Stephen. I must be honest this little scenario made me happy) its fun and Im serious about it - at least she has a hobby of collecting men.

As for the script - I wish you pushedme into her world and I got to learn more about her and what drives her and makes her do the stuff she does. That way I would be rooting for someone and its important that I follow someones story, his wishes and concerns.

Its also a bit of intricate for me.

Also you plunged us write into the story from the beginning but I think you need a slower built here.

So many twists that it corkscrewed. More char depth and a couple less turns and it would be intriguing. As it was, I was skimming to the end just to read the final turn.

This one didn't ring any of my bells or any other metaphor for that matter. I didn't see anyone trapped in a taxi, in fact people got in and out of the taxi at will.

All the characters sounded exactly the same, they didn't have their own voice and the entire story was told with corny dialogue. I quickly got lost about who was being blackmailed and why but I didn't really care.

Sorry to be so blunt, I do normally try to present what I liked and disliked about a script to give a balanced opinion but I didn't enjoy any of this. At least you took part, something which I failed to do, so if you are annoyed at my review, tell me to go stick it coz I didn't enter!

-Mark

Deadly Companions:

Hmmm – Pam Seckinpaugh?  I’m guessing a female wrote this one!  :)

I have to admit – while I’m a fan of strong visuals (when not overwritten), I love how streamlined this one is, too – jumping right into the scenario!

p. 7ish: I LOVE the twist and double deal – but I’m wondering if the first exchange between Linda and the Driver needs to be tweaked a bit, so that it reads differently once we know the truth that they’re in cahoots.

p. 7: Well, that’s hubby?  I’m guessing David’s already been killed and buried (or chopped up?)  I think you need to clarify this a little bit.

p. 8: Does the driver have a gun?  If not, why is Linda putting up with the change in plans and taking action?

p. 9: Wait – the driver’s killing himself and Linda, too?  Why?

Overall impressions.  I like the writing, love the premise and the majority of the execution.  I would like to have the ending explained a bit more clearly – and/or have a different twist?  (Perhaps the driver walks off with the dough?)

But that aside, real neat job!

This needs a lot of work. You need to create some actual characters and work on your dialogue. I'm sorry that I don't really have anything specific to add... from the other comments it seems like you have an interesting concept with some nice twists and turns. With more practice, this could probably become a gripping thriller. Keep at it.

Not one for me.

A pass.

Good effort.

Heavy plot, a bit dependent on being told, but a good read.

Realistically we need more about them and too many twists feels a little like salt in soup - too much takes the taste away.

But one of my fav' so far

Consider

Quoted from JEStaats So many twists that it corkscrewed..

Well said

Too much too fast. I like how this pushes the limits but this could slow down a bit. I didn't finish it, too intricate.

Since The Driver has a name, why not use it? i mean, nobody else is naed Kane, right?
Overall, i thought this was okay, but it really didn't do much for me.

So many twists, my head is spinning.  Does she know the driver or not?   At first, when it's just them, she acts like she doesn't know him.  Then, when David is picked up, she knows him?  You lost me on the twists and really didn't care for any of the characters, so it's not for me.  Plus, none of them were trapped so didn't meet the criteria (neither did mine).  This seems like it could be expanded into a nice plot twisting feature.  Would like to read/see that.  Good luck with it and hope you go for it as a feature.

Wow more twists than a bag of pretzels

A lot of bouncing back and forth between characters and it was good that they played off each other... although could easiiy be extended and have some depth in your characters for readers to attach to.

Good job on entering

The story seems to start too suddenly. And even though a name is mentioned for the driver, he is only referred to as driver.

It all moves too quickly. More time is needed for these things to happen.

Pretty good. Not too many issues. Decent little thriller.

A strong consider.

This one reads as a pretty hard concept to tackle in one week. All those twists and mystery just need much more thought, timing, rewriting to deliver in crafty manner. It all felt too passive. The talk was on screen, the story was about everything other than what was on screen. Hard project you've chosen here for one week.  Good ambition though

I see there's already been plenty of feedback for this one, but I'll add to the pile:

- Love that the lover’s name is French!

- If I happened upon this script on my own, I would have pegged it as yours do to the economy in action description. Nice!

- "I agreed payment with Mr. Kane” - not sure if Americans ever talk like this.

- I was a little lost with the twist at the end. And when she got in the car the first time, they were alone so why would they act out not knowing each other then when the husband comes in, they had a ploy all along? Or did they improvise that? Sorry, guess I gotta read it again. If anything, it would make a good film you’d want to watch over and over again to piece it all together!

- Love how there was a sinister twist/back-stabbing/reversal at the end, but didn’t quite get it. Did they bury a body? Who’s in the car? I thought she was out of the car?

- I’m confused by "He swings to the curb, and cuts the motor.”. Is this part of their plan? I thought he was taking her away but then they corroborate?

- "As are we both.” is kind of an awkward line, IMO.

- "He senses an atmosphere.” Senses “tension”?

- "You're sore because I found out.” Love the term sore, and works as this is type of word they use in film noir, which I guess this is? But won’t work in modern day parlance :^)

- “Well that’s hubby” I’m sorry, what happened to hubby?

- Final note, knowing your writing prowess, I can’t tell if this is a sloppily written script or just too genius for me to fully grip!