Red Light Indicates Doors Are Secured by Anthony Cawood writing as Gordon Sumner - Short, Horror - A cleithrophobiac discovers that his fears could be a blessing when a late night cab ride detours into hell. - pdf, format

Dramatic irony! A man who fears being locked in, suddenly would very much like to be locked in.

Well done.


A simple "zombie" story well told. Nice progression, nice writing that built tension. Not the most original idea in the world, but told well.

Spoilers

I wondered how many would do the maturing zombie plague, virus etc route.

This is well handled and has a great last line/finish.

Not my thing, and seen many times before, but deserves a...

Consider

Typo here:

Quoted Text PETER (concerned) You okay mate.

Should be; You okay, mate?

Not sure it would meet the low budget requirement - but I'll let that go.

The writing was crisp and clean - created a lightening quick pace. The writer knows what he/she is doing.

The ending was a little unsatisfying for me.

That being said - one could tell time and effort was spent on this one - nice job.

Problem I see with this one is the 'Trapped' element is not really front and centre as this is a taking refuge from marauding zombies tale. The fact you gave your main character a phobia almost seems to compensate for that problem, but I'm not sure it works. Ending is anticlimactic and not memorable sorry to say.

Having said that, you're a terrific writer and have a way with other words.

Code GARETH It's specifically a fear of being locked up.

'locked in' would be better here. Being locked up would mean more specifically to be afraid of prison.

Straightforward zombie short. I liked it, but not enough for a consider. Nice work. I would give it a consider, but the old lady thing - which is a great visual - will be difficult to pull off stunt-wise.

Probably end up getting produced though... but I bet they drop the old lady stunt scene.

Not a bad effort at all. Some might criticise you over the mystery of the 'outsiders' but I think it worked well. Not really any depth to the story though unfortunately, nothing beneath the surface, could use a little more of a backbone or some legs. I guess the story's not rounded -- which seems to be the biggest problem. Needs a better supporting structure than leaving the job, a little conflict would do well. Decent work.

Nice story well told.

Im thinking it looks better on paper though than it would on screen. The red light green light thing wont be translated to the screen well. The irony may be lost on the audience.

But a good story well told is what it is - a captivating read that kept me on my toes

The red light is a common thing seen in British black cabs. The lock comes on when the cab is moving and then goes off when stationary. So this one would need access to a black cab to pull off properly.

Smooth, assured hand behind this.  Sparse but effective action and dialogue, growing sense of panic -- just enough to tease at the chaos unfolding outside yet keeping us confined with the characters and their growing sense of panic.  On the downside it’s not exactly low budget -- maybe something that could be overcome with a bit of creativity.  I did wonder how this would play if you left Gareth trapped -- torn between his phobia yet unable to flee?

Decent enough tale, builds well... but zombies!

Fair effort

Spot on for me. One of the best, if not the best, I've read so far.

I think it doesn’t quite fit a low budget but can lose a few things if it had to, to accommodate. That would be unfortunate though.

Great job.

Yep, good solid piece of work. Didn't see a zombie effort coming with this challenge, but it's definitely one of the better efforts.

It nearly lost me at the beginning with the disjointed conversation, which may not be needed if you can emphasise the discomfort through visualisation alone, but I'm glad I carried on through.

Good work

Writer,

Well done. I didn't get the irony of this at first, and I was about ready to say meh, but then it hit me. Smart, and that kicker raised it to a different level for me. I thought your use of parentheticals early on was a bit much, but it stopped short from distraction. Also, consider changing the title? I don't know. Something a little shorter. Just nitpicks, though. Zipped by, good pacing. Solid effort.

Steve

Nice.  Didn't know a zombie tale until your reveal.  Good writing.  Budget a little higher but they do all kinds of things now days and could get his filmed because horror is popular.  Good luck with it!  I'll volunteer as one of the zombies!!  Just kidding.  I liked it.

There's definitely the seed of a great premise here, but I'm not sure enough was done to really toy with it. Maybe there's just too many ideas for the page length. I didn't see that his phobia really played a part in the events and I thought more could be done to milk tension from that light. It's not bad as it is now, but that's too good of a device to not play with it more than you have here. Maybe something like he has to find a way to get the car moving again to make the doors lock. Maybe the zombies horde on an incline and where they're standing determines whether the car moves or not. Something to tease it out more.

Looking back at the ending I'm a little confused. There's two CLICKS. I assume the first one is the door unlocking, but what's the second one?

I hadn't heard of cliethrophobia. I looked it up. Fear of being trapped in an enclosed space. Perfect word for this challenge. In fact, I like your word choices in general, such as:
She reaches for Peter, claw-like hands scrabble for
purchase.
and the dialogue about the leaving do.

The zombie element isn't overplayed. It's just enough  to put Gareth in a situation that might, if he survives, cure him of his phobia.

Thumbs up.
Henry

Pretty well written, but I can't say I love the writing style...and in fact, I dislike this oh so sparse, put everything on its own line style.

Obviously a Brit.  Obviously a solid writer who knows what he's doing.

There are a few visuals that fall outside your single Slug setting, but overall, this is pretty well done and intense.  I think you could make this alot better with a few more visuals, once it's clear what's going on outside, but then you lose your low budget...kind of.

Good effort here and a unique take on the challenge, which works effectively.

Grade - B+

Some notes

I'm not a big fan of Zombie tales, and the immediate transformation always bothers me.  Nothing works that fast.  But that's me.  A very fair effort.

Best
Richard

The writing is wicked sharp. I was feeling the ride, and the cinematic lore of traveling over a dimly lit cobble road... twisting and turning about through Old London Town.

The reference to some ominous red light, indicating locked doors, threw me out of the mix though... sounds like a Black Cab thing I'm not familiar with. As well... zombies?

Decent effort and good use of theme.

This was good, simple but good.  Zombies.  Who doesn't love them??

The transformation happens too quickly.  

You'd be better off having a radio saying something or another about civil disobedience or something...

He was trapped, then he used it as a refuge, until...

This was good, one of the best so far.  It can be better, perhaps much better.  You can really up the suspense here as they learn these aren't partying teens.  Perhaps they could watch one get hit or something.  There are tons of different things you can do to up the suspense...

8/10

Dan

One of my favorites so far. But what's a 'leaving do'? I'd love to see this with more time and development. Great job!

Quoted from JEStaats One of my favorites so far. But what's a 'leaving do'? I'd love to see this with more time and development. Great job!

A "Do" of any kind is a party in Britain - so a "leaving do" is a farewell party (eg for someone's retirement or leaving for another job or country). The wonders of colloquial English!

Quoted from Gum The reference to some ominous red light, indicating locked doors, threw me out of the mix though... sounds like a Black Cab thing I'm not familiar with..

This is referenced in another UK script as well. I should say that while Black Cabs are fairly common in Britain, I've never been in one so wouldn't have necessarily understood the reference either.

Britain has two kind of taxis by and large - Private Hire Cars - "mini cabs" and Black Cabs. The difference is you have to prebook a Private Hire Car (by phone) whereas you can hail a Black Cab in the street. It's actually illegal for PHC's to pick someone up in the street in the same way. They tend to be just ordinary cars with a PHC registration plate on them. Somewhat confusedly, both can be called taxis.

Nice work. Well written. You clearly know what you're doing.
Love the irony of needing to be trapped in the cab.

Well done.

Hmm, a straight genre piece. The visuals outside felt strange presented and vague; as if we shouldn't see exactly what's going on to get it into budget. Just wasn't my thing…

no clue what "the leaving do" means.  I pretty much don't know what the hell these dudes are talking about, but it's reading quickly, so I'm cool with it.

I like the fact the door locks when the car is in motion, but it already seems like an unnecessary tech for the sake of the story.  Reading on...

nothing i dislike more than a page with no dialogue... the sentences are short and appreciated, but that's still a pet peeve of mine.

That all said, this was a cool little spin on a totally oversaturated genre.  i think this may end up a recommend for me, but no promises, I still have a lot to read.  Either way, this is an idea that actually interested me, so nice job.

Sting wrote this !!! Cool

Nice use of Zombies, overall a good read and solid writing.

Great job on entering

I like this, one of my favourites for sure. It's kind of like the beginning of the Dawn of the Dead (the re-make) when the zombie apocalypse first kicks in. Zombies have been done to death (and you will struggle to get any production company to even read a zombie or vampire script these days) but I think there's a niche here for an indie zombie film about a few survivors travelling through the apocalypse via a taxi cab.

It would be tough to do as written in a low-budget but with a few changes it could work.

You rush the transformation and the ending because of the page restriction and it does suffer a little because of this. I really encourage you to expand this outside the OWC, there's loads of potential for character development, tension and atmospheric horror.

It's been a few years since I've been in a proper black cab, but I seem to remember the doors locking until the destination. However, my memory may not be accurate and even if it is, the green/red light mechanism is a great tool for upping the tension. His phobia is also the perfect way to explain it to those who've never been in such a taxi.

This is great, I really like this! Well done!

-Mark

Nice writing and story.
I enjoyed the ride.

Congrats,
Cindy

More or less perfect for what it is. A fun little gotcha with some great final images.

Not my thing, but this could easily be picked up by a team today. Good job.

Once I looked up what in the holy hell "A leaving do" meant things fell into place. Great dialogue here. Especially the beginning when they're basically talking about nothing but you still built in a nice rhythm. Main character had a fun personality quirk, fast paced story, really the whole thing was extremely solid...

Probably a recommend but for now I'm just putting CONSIDER.

Quoted Text Cleethorpes what?

What can I say? I was digging it. Despite some minimalist action and a bit much reliance on wrylies, I quite enjoyed this piece. The reveal about the zombie attack was icing on a fine cake; but even if you didn't have it, I really liked this take on the challenge.

Great work overall - gets a vote from me as one of my faves.

Who wrote this? Awesome piece of work.

It's got a bit of that Hitchcock element with Gareth and his phobia.
I like that Gareth is fighting his fear, thus making the other elements just a little less obvious.
The clicks of door locks, the traffic lights, the car moving through a street past flash mob chaos, that's a beautiful setup.
It was like the tumblers of a lock falling into place.
I read this and I felt confined to the back seat of this cab. I felt the guy's angst, the sweating, the unease...
and the rising zombie madness outside — an initial distraction. Then when the cabbie started bleeding, and the cab ultimately coasted into a sea of the dead — I'm like 'Wow.' Loved that ending, too.

If I have any suggestion, it would be to consider Gareth harboring a secret. Maybe he isn't 'a leaving do.' Maybe he's out on a more daring venture. Maybe he's got an attache case.  
I offer this because it would increase the stakes even more. Just a thought.

Overall, this is one helluva story. Great writing. Spare, but I like spare. What more can I say, but
Click — and out.

Zombies. Okay. Not the most original idea (but what is?) but the added phobia made this different though it ended up the same. The writing is a step above. I wonder what else the writer has done? A few nits. The words supercilious and suppurating  struck me as unnecessarily collegiate. "A leaving do" means what? (I'd like to know so I can rid myself of ignorance.) You sure this wasn't written by Keith Richards?

Sting wrote this! Cool!  8)

First mistake happens on the first page. Page One is numbered.

No colon after FADE IN

Bold slugs.

"Supercilious." A new word to add to my vocabulary. Thanks.  :)

New York, LA, or British Times?

"A black cab." I guess that answers my question.

"Revelers." Another new word. Thanks again.

Very British names. Nice.

"Where to[,] mate?" Is Cockney capitalized? My spell check accepts it both ways.

Euston, we have a problem. I had to Google this.

Establishing the titular red light on the first page. Nice! You need a comma, though.

Had to double-check the definition of "curt."

"A leaving do." Is this a British expression? Reads awkward grammatically (American). A laving hairdo?  :-/

P2

RE: "attention" vs. "attentions"...

http://english.stackexchange.com/questions/99975/what-is-the-appropriate-usage-of-attentions

The flash mob stuff could be merged into a single paragraph.

We can tell from the dialogue ("Pardon?") that Gareth is confused; parenthetical is unnecessary.

"The leaving do." There's that phrase again.*Googles* *Gets this definition*

P3

Watch those parentheticals. Nine times out of ten, they're unnecessary.

"You okay[,] mate[?]"

"I've got a fear of being locked in."

And a script to exploit it.  ;D 8)

Now we've got that established. Moving on to P4...

"Fuck[']s sake."

"BANG." Where'd the gun come from? Or banging on the windows? Might help to specify.

Ooh. Establishing the horror mood?

Yikes! Whose hand? What's hand?  :o

P5

Ooh. "An OLD WOMAN in her seventies."

"Purchase" is an orphan.

So Peter intentionally pulls up to the curb?  ??)

"Seat" is an orphan.

Nice use of sound effects.

"Follow" the road.

"You're bleeding." We can see that.

P6

"You okay?" "I'll live." If you're in a horror movie and say that, most likely you won't. Remember Scream?

The traffic lights can be one line.

"Cobbles." Another new word. Thanks again.

P7

Wow! Very vivid descriptions. I can see it in my head.

"Suppurating." Wow, are these real words? Nice.

*POSSIBLE SPOILERS*

"Humanity faded to a shadow." Uh oh. Great way to end page 7.

Last page

Wow. I hope you get a good horror effects guy, someone of Tom Savini's caliber.

Ooh. Scary! Lights out.

Whoa! Recommended! A+

Oooo - a zombie tale! Granted, I figured out what was going on as soon as people started to mob the taxi.

But - a great take on the requirements... and a very nice ending!  :))

Cheers,

--Janet (W)

I had trouble following the dialogue on the first two pages. I'm thinking it's because I'm an American. However, a good story here.

Thanks to all who took a read and fed back on the script.

To answer a few points/queries...

The red lights are common on all black cabs in the UK and as someone explained, they activate as soon as the car sets off, but even if you haven't experienced this I think I got across the meaning/mechanism in the script. The title is what it says on a little sign on the taxi door, also the title of an Arctic Monkey's song.

Two clicks at the end, one was the doors unlocking, the other was someone/thing pulling the handle up.

Leaving do, 'do' a Brit expression and given the script is unabashed British then seemed right, normally means party or get together.

Zombies, well they might be, but in my mind they were more infected like in the Crazies as they're not the undead type... how quickly an infection can spread, well it's fiction but things can travel through the body v quickly, hydrogen cyanide in a high dose can kill in under a minute as it spreads through the body. But I'm gonna claim poetic license ;-)

The things going on outside were left vague as things seen through the windows of moving vehicles are often just glimpsed, upped the tension too as they know something is going on but not what.

ChrisB, thanks for the thorough read and catching the errors etc, and glad to have expanded your vocab ;-) And delighted you liked it so much too.

I'll be going through all the feedback again and doing another polish on the script so thanks to all for taking a read.

Anthony

Quoted from AnthonyCawood Thanks to all who took a read and fed back on the script. To answer a few points/queries... The red lights are common on all black cabs in the UK and as someone explained, they activate as soon as the car sets off, but even if you haven't experienced this I think I got across the meaning/mechanism in the script. The title is what it says on a little sign on the taxi door, also the title of an Arctic Monkey's song. Two clicks at the end, one was the doors unlocking, the other was someone/thing pulling the handle up. Leaving do, 'do' a Brit expression and given the script is unabashed British then seemed right, normally means party or get together. Zombies, well they might be, but in my mind they were more infected like in the Crazies as they're not the undead type... how quickly an infection can spread, well it's fiction but things can travel through the body v quickly, hydrogen cyanide in a high dose can kill in under a minute as it spreads through the body. But I'm gonna claim poetic license ;-) The things going on outside were left vague as things seen through the windows of moving vehicles are often just glimpsed, upped the tension too as they know something is going on but not what. ChrisB, thanks for the thorough read and catching the errors etc, and glad to have expanded your vocab ;-) And delighted you liked it so much too. I'll be going through all the feedback again and doing another polish on the script so thanks to all for taking a read. Anthony

Anthony,
    Great job.  This was one of my 2 top fav stories.  I really enjoyed it.  For most of these OWC, I just ignore the typos and errors.  I had a few biggies in mine too, and sometimes, you just don't have the time to figure it all out.  One week goes so freaking fast.

Let me know if you write a second version.  I'd love to read a version where you don't have any limitations.  And I can easily see this as the beginning to a movie, or TV series...

I had wondered if they were zombies too.  That seemed to be the common idea of what the infected were, but, I could see either way, even mysticism...

Dan

Many thanks Dan, appreciated and delighted you liked it so much!

I've updated this version for typos etc and will now let it fester for a while before (potentially) playing with it some more!

Anthony

This is a great script and would work very well as a short but I would also recommend considering turning this into a feature. If you could set most (if not all) of the story in the cab this could be a unique and very low budget feature.

Thanks Mark, again delighted you liked it too... yes feature version currently percolating... has to line-up behind a couple of other projects. Watch this space ;-)

Red Light has been optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer.

Super news. I love this script. I hope it gets the production it deserves.

Congrats x 8!

I remember being a big fan of this. Congrats.