The Shortest Distance - OWC

Not sure anyone was technically trapped in this. Some nice dialogue but too little by way of a story to give the reader any real connection to the characters. There’s an emotive idea in here, but it leans too much on one character (Tishel) to do the talking with Lonnie left passive. I don’t even know how he feels about any of this -- perhaps a little conflict could help give this an edge.

Like Lonnie I’m left with little by way of a payoff. Maybe one to come back to without the restraints.

Shortest distance

Not much to this one and wonders around.

An elderly man reflecting on his dead wife and effectively not wanting to go to her funeral.

Like Steve mentions above, doesn't really tick the trapped box

Pass

Well written - a poignant story that elicited empathy for your protag - That being said - I'm not sure I get the "trapped" angle unless this is a subtle "emotionally trapped (self trapped) thing. I'll have to mull that over.

Nice, almost there, heartfelt story which after the challenge I'd suggest you add a bit more to.
Sorry to say it doesn't really meet the 'trapped in a taxi' challenge for me specifically because of two things, the passenger is the one giving the orders and the driver complies, and there's no real drama as a result of their dynamic. I understand what you were going for I.e., trapped in the past, trapped in grief etc., but I read the challenge as a more literal one.

Could have a solid, produceable slice of life short here though with a bit more work.

P.S. I like the title, but based on the subject matter I'd call it The Longest Ride.

Writer,

I suspect there's a deeper meaning here. Checked back through some other comments and see that, if there is, they're not getting it either. I even read back through it but not coming up with anything. It was well written, but I'm not finding the point to this story. Sorry. Would love you to elaborate on this when the challenge is through. Thanks.

Steve

Not sure if I understood, reread the important parts a few times. Can say I'm on the same boat as Steven above, wish it was there for me but unfortunately, it's just a bit confusing. I'd wager most of it is because the dialogue between the story breaks apart too often. I suspect a heartfelt story, and there's definitely some inkling of that, but I gave it a few tries and it wasn't coming to me. Not my thing, although I suspect that may be the reason why it didn't mesh well.

This is another one that doesn't really meet the criteria of being trapped and I assumed this was set in some alternate universe because the cop keeps showing up whenever anyone calls him... but then I got to the end, where I expected purgatory or similar to be the reveal but there wasn't... he just went back home.

There's a poignancy to the situation and the writing draws it out, but I'm not sure it tells a coherent tale.

No one is trapped at any point, so it doesn’t meet the criteria.

Not much/anything in the way of a story here. I’ve had more exciting taxi rides.

Definite pass for me.

Sorry, not my cup of tea. I understand that you're trying to build the piece up around these characters, but they just didn't grab me at all and the story never went anywhere.

Also didn't meet the criteria regarding being trapped, so on that basis it couldn't be considered anyway.

I really liked this... but it didn't go anywhere or do anything. Why did he go home and not attend the actual service? I've tried and failed to figure it out from the dialogue.

Anyway, it's good, but needs more.

A pass.

I dont see anyone stuck.

I tripped several times here. First at the beginning - it was hard to understand why would T. Report suspicious activity and point at the driver when he seemingly knew that the service called a taxi for him.

Then a bit of conversation made me think - T say "she was a true angel" and what officers responds to that made me think for a moment that she was officer's wife.

All minor things though. The main complaint is - I think it needs more of a story.

First page had me scratching my head but then I got into it. The trapped angle is subtle, to me there's some symbolic trapping - Tishel trying to avoid the truth and the funeral but trapped in the inevitability of it all and the driver trapped in his cab with one customer all day but he can't really say or do anything out of respect for the guy's grief - which may not be in the spirit of the challenge but I can see what you were trying to achieve.

It did hit me emotionally and was easy to read, I just expected more. The backstory for example, Mr. Tishel's reminiscences seemed to be heading to some reveal but they didn't go anywhere.

I think there's something here, it just needs more. Definitely one to revisit outside of the limitations of the OWC.

-Mark

Some notes.

I liked this effort. I'll accept that the man was metaphorically trapped by the fact he didn't want to go to the funeral. And that the driver was trapped with him. i wish the little tales had revealed a bit more about the wife and why the old guy didn't want to be there. It rambled a bit too much for me.

Best
Richard

On page 3 you forgot to say that this scene takes place in the taxi, the way it reads it takes place outside on a street downtown.

I guess the point of the story is that Lonnie is trapped because Tishel is never ready to go to the funeral, but the only moment at which he feels at all trapped is when he says he is going to call his wife. This is tricky, because making it longer would make him feel more trapped, but it could also potentially bore the audience.

Hmmm...I liked it. And no one trapped? What about Lonnie? I've been in his shoes before and he was one trapped SOB. I liked the little actions (flipping the phone closed) and Lonnie's short responses. That's a professional cabbie there. Good work.

You can create emotions with a subtle storyline and interesting rhythm. The standard plotting is what I miss, such as the ending that isn't there. The two one dollar bills are perhaps emphasizing the fact that Lonnie partly works as a therapist too, hearing about his passengers' lives, but in the end his patients give a shit about him??? That's my blind guess or an ending that would make some sense. An ending needs to be clearly understandable, even if it is open. However, what you got here is mainly strong in my eyes.

Doesn't even attempt to meet the challenge, once again. I don't get it.

Slugs are incorrect - if you're INT CAB, you don't describe things outside and if you're EXT CAB, you don't describe things inside. Should be quite simple to understand.

Story seems to be rather nice and I feel for the old man, but I started skimming on Page 3.

Just doesn't cut it, sorry to say.

Grade - D

This was a nice little tale. Wasn't trying to do to much, but what it did it did well. I might've liked to see Tishel get to the funeral finally, but that's a personal preference. Plenty of people don't.

I anticipate some might not accept the idea that Tishel is trapped in the taxi. Or maybe Lonnie is. They both are for a while, and while they're physically capable of leaving, there's plenty holding them anyway. I'm fine with this interpretation.

I thought it was well written. I also felt bad for the old man. How he didn't want to go to the funeral. It's so hard to accept when we lose a loved one. Easier to put it aside, ignore it, than to actually deal with it.
I also thought it could benefit from "more".

Congrats,
Cindy

Cleanly written but it just seems to meander. Don't see how it meets the trapped in a cab criteria.

Maybe it's a story of survivor's guilt -- first the war, now his wife, and he lives on still. His time with his wife was quiet and not overtly emotional, and that's what he gets with the noncommittal Lonnie in the cab, the opposite of the funeral with his meddling, emotional kids.

That's my best shot. I enjoyed reading this, but I didn't understand the emotional beats, and I didn't find a clear moment of emotional climax. Still, well-drawn characters and a poignant tone made this a strong read. Whatever it's saying, though, isn't coming through to me.

Gave it a read, not bad, the writing is good IMO.

The story itself is enjoyable as a Hallmark moment but, he's just reminiscing about a dead spouse, and his time in the service... trapped in some distant past of emotional trauma perhaps? There's no indication of him being trapped within the cab though.

Revised* OK, the driver is trapped in the cab with some old man who's suffering emotional trauma of his distant past. That could fill the theme I guess... all the best

It's well written. This is such a hard story to pull off though. He's just driving around and we're getting tiny bits and pieces about his life and who he is... I wouldn't say you absolutely need more of a plot here... but you need more tension in some form.

Maybe the driver is less accommodating at first and/or dealing with how own loss. That might be cheesy though. Maybe the driver is some young kid just fallen in love and Tischel lashes out at him. That might also be cheesy. I dunno... it is well written and took guts to try and pull this off.

The writing style was clear and well done. The characters felt real. But the driver didn't have much depth. The dialogue was good too. Not enough meet on it though. But the main problem with the script is that the whole story felt like a setup that didn't have a punch line. The ending was anything but satisfactory to me. There is also the shift in the end about the husband view of the wife. He was talking about how lucky he was to have her then suddenly mentioning how she didn't welcome him warmly when he got off the ship. Didn't know why you put that in there.

Your writing is good. The story was the problem. Maybe the punchline was too subtle for me.

Sorry, but, this didn't work for me.  It failed the central part of the OWC (trapped in a cab).  Yes, perhaps he was trapped in his mind, while sitting in a cab, but, that doesn't really cut it in my book...

Also, the story wasn't much about anything.  I admit I was confused several times.  Jeff is correct, the slugs were confusing...

This feels like a tiny snippet of a movie or something, but, as a standalone, it doesn't measure up.  There is literally no beginning, middle or end.  It's just kinda he gets in the cab, after calling the cops on the cabbie, drives around all day, and like the cabbie who gets 2 dollars for his day's work, we get nothing for our time...

Pretty sure the old man'd be getting arrested for shorting the cabbie like a hundred dollars....

Sorry, but, 4/10  because it didn't meet the OWC and it wasn't much in terms of content.  As part of a story, I'd give it a 7/10, but, sadly, that's not the case...

Dan

My thinking was that this would have to be a longer story to actually have a story. It's written well and there is the beginning of character setup, but that's it. Not trapped in the taxi, but is low budget. Just not quite going anywhere. Sorry, but good writing.

Somehow I only saw the driver trapped here, more in a metaphorical way, not physical, but it met the challenge for me (trapped by his own gullibility in mankind/ to help an old man). Lonnie is first called, must bring the police to clear things up, then drives the old man around town, feels morally obliged to hang around with him and talk about life for hours. As written, Lonnie overran his shift to hear to that fucker. And then Tishel gives him two one dollar bills for that life service... Thank you and fuck you, Tishel, I got no pity for you, the funeral, and whatever you've done and what not, you don't respect the little man, your therapist cabbie you chatter on as if you were the center of the world.

But that was just fun of me, ;-), forgive me that cause I really thought about the script and think it's a good one. Originally, I'm only here again to get an answer to the one million dollar question, that other than me, I only saw DanC commented on:

What was it about the two one dollar bills?

Is it senility, insolence, an insider joke I don't get... I mean that was the complete turn for me, THE moment and resolution that changed everything. Lonnie deserves to get paid, no matter what, he got his life too.

A rewrite is definitely a good idea. Another day or two on this could bring out the poignancy of the concept. Right now, it's bland and confusing (especially the old man's ramblings).

Quoted from PrussianMosby

What was it about the two one dollar bills?

In the mind of the old man $2 included a great tip if it was 60 years ago. Compared to today, it isn't enough but the cab driver accepted it as full payment.

Thanks for answering. So, you think it's kind of senility. Well, it fits to Tishel's mental state in general. Two dollars for a day. What a payment. Somehow it's too vague if Tishel has all his marbles and what's going on with him exactly, so I felt much more for Lonnie.

I'm also saying that the cab driver accepted the $2 as an act of kindness. The old man was tipping him big in his old man's mind. Lonnie saw that and accepted it. Makes Lonnie more of a saint. I may be reading too much into this.

Hmmmm.... the term "trapped" is a bit stretched here, but I'll fully accept it.

And this actually is a sweet, enjoyable story until the end.  My five cents: switching over to a conversation about the bereaved's service history doesn't work unless you ease into that.

And having him only give the driver two dollars actually ruined it for me.  I was so empathetic for the husband (and Lonnie) up to that point.  Then - he turns out to be a cheapskate?

IMO - I'd revamp the ending.  Because the rest of it is sweet and worth it.

Very well written, obviously not exactly trapped maybe in his own mind, he felt trapped or wanted to be trapped to delay the funeral... not letting go
Reflecting on the death of his wife, sharing his thoughts with the driver.

It was sweet and an easy read.

Good job on entering

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