A.M.A. by Deep Blue - Short, Sci Fi - Meet A.M.A., the latest in self-driving car technology! She’ll get you where you need to go in comfort and style. She anticipates the flow of traffic for a speedy arrival. She’ll engage you in pleasant conversation to pass the time. And SO MUCH MORE!!! - pdf, format 8)

The logline needs work - but did not grade the script on that basis it's an OWC after all.

Very much liked the concept. Interesting and worth the read.

The Protag carrying on about the "who you would save" in a crash scenario with AMA seemed a little out of place once Gary realizes that this is not your normal machine. I think he would have given up on that line of questioning. Just went to the well once or twice too often there.

That is a minor criticism - overall this is a solid script with an unique story.

Nice story. The most complete I've read so far.

Visually not the most interesting, but a well-rounded, well written piece that I suspect will be amongst my favourites.

This loaded just fine on my iPhone, but is taking unusually long on my PC.

P1 Bold slugs. Not industry standard, but some people like them. I'll just bite my tongue.  :X

"on the sidewalk," should be capitalized.

Normally, you'd want a colon in between "sleek futuristic-looking"

I wasn't sure how AMA was gonna be pronounced. A-M-A (like the American Music Awards)? Ama (like Amy)? Amma (like Emma)?

P2 Cool 80%??? I'd freeze to death!  ;D But that's just me.

Code                 AMA (V.O.)         I noticed you have a laptop and         mobile device. I am equipped with [a]         WiFi hotspot that you may access         free of charge.

I think there's a missing word somewhere. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Code                 AMA (V.O.)         All rides are monitored, yes. Would         you like [to] connect to free WiFi?

Obviously a missing word.

P4 I had to Google this so-called Trolley Problem. I know what a trolley is, but I've never heard of this Problem.

*POTENTIAL SPOILERS*

P4 Ah! Garry dodges the "first marriage" question and changes the subject. Didn't dawn on me when I first read it.

P6 Knowing now what I didn't upon first read, wow, it's no wonder Garry wanted off WiFi.

Code All the doors AUTO-LOCK and the car veers suddenly.

The "Hank closes the garage door" moment.  ;D

P7

Code Garry flips out, [b]raining useless blows[/b] upon the console.

Huh?

Wow.

I loved it, both times. Shades of 2001 and Christine. Lots of suspense and tension, especially toward the end. Quite solid for a one-week-er.

Highly recommended. A+

A pretty solid mystery that's maybe a little straightforward. I never wondered whether A.M.A. was wrong, and I don't feel like we (as the audience) got to be in on much of the sleuthing...A.M.A. just sorta knows everything. As a brief and breezy exploration of a sci-fi concept, though, very readable and well paced. Just be nice if the stakes raised/lowered/changed a little more than the straight through line that we have now.

Might have been neat if we though he had a chance of escaping, too. Anyway, solid work and a fun read.

I know who this belongs to, I know your style, I've read too many of your scripts haha.

So straight up a few missing words here and there.

Not a fan of the bold dialogue, but I think you know that already.

Other than that. I really enjoyed it. Out of the 5 scripts I've read so far this is by far the best.

Congrats and good luck.

So, it's Her meets Minority Report.

Can't fault it (minor typos somewhere, but who cares). Oh, I would do away with 'female presence'  and just write female voice, but that's a nitpick.

Very entertaining, well written, and you met the Trapped challenge with finesse.

Good on you!  :)

Writer,

Not bad. Well written, but a lot of exposition in places. I think if you trimmed some of the dialogue this could make for a very tight piece. It seems like there's this whole question and answer bit going on with AMA and Garry that just goes on a tad too long. The way it is doesn't work for me. It has potential, though, and if you put the extra time in I think you got something. Good work!

Steve

Deep Blue... the first chess engine to beat a grandmaster, and Garry Kasparov no less.

Nice work. A recommend.

Not for me. I lost interest about half way through. Nicely written but I just am not into robot characters, and with the best will in the world, it's been done - the idea of a computer turning on a human is a SF cliche. Also, unless this is the first time round, wouldn't people notice all these dead passengers popping up?

I noticed that not only did it share a automated driver with "Sorry Dave", some of the dialogue was the same - demonstrating the limitations of these ideas perhaps?

2 out of 5 for me personally.

After reading the logline, I thought I might be in for some cab sex. After reading the script, I thought the ending was confusing. What gives AMA the authority to do that? Must be the same that invades the privacy of this world's citizens. Anyway, it's a good idea and I did feel the burn of the interrogation, even if I thought it was going in another direction. LOVE the last line of dialogue. Good job, even if the ending gave me stinky nose.

Liked this, well written and well paced, just felt a little too linear, was expecting some form of late twis which didn't arise.

Good effort.

With Sci-Fi the budget is a bit higher but with it being only in a cab might pull it off.  Well written for the most part just some places where dialogue is a bit long.  I liked the exchange about the choices of who to kill.  The ending is pretty straight forward and for a short, most will want some twist.  Pretty good overall.  Will comment more on story elements when judging is complete.  Good luck with this.

Well done. I enjoyed the way you developed this; you have an instinct for timing. The guy gets ensnared in the either-or ethical questions, reveals himself bit by bit, and is (yes!) trapped. There's a satisfying inevitability to this.
Henry

Some notes.

Good job.  I liked this one.  I wish it had been a little more up and down.  It was a one-trick pony with the trolley problem.  The author (and we all love authors) should have been clever enough to counter AMA's banter about the first death and the research into cruise deaths.  It was too easy for AMA.

Best
Richard

Quoted from RichardR Some notes. Good job.  I liked this one.  I wish it had been a little more up and down.  It was a one-trick pony with the trolley problem.  The author (and we all love authors) should have been clever enough to counter AMA's banter about the first death and the research into cruise deaths.  It was too easy for AMA. Best Richard

It certainly would have been more interesting if the author had beaten the machine - as it stands the end is just the same old same old

I like it.  I don't find it very realistic or believable (even in a SyFy way), but I like it.

Really no action at all and all dialogue, but it works as intended and that's tough to pull off.

A few missing words and the like, but overall a god flow, pace, and feel.

Only thing I think needs a tweak is the end, as it falls rather flat.

Grade - B+

Good job.

Well, I wasn't crazy about the beginning - Gary just sat in a car without a driver behind the wheel. And the car talked. He kind of readily jumped in.

And I wasn't crazy about the ending - kind of expected some kind of revelation or twist there. Maybe it's the number of pages that didn't let you do something about it.

Other than that it was a captivating read.

Interesting concept, and good work around the OWC concept.

At the end I wasn't sure whether he was alive, or dead, as his corpse tumbles out. Easy fix either way.

I suppose my niggle is why would a taxi be a moral calculator? Didn't really seem to make sense or have any connection with the taxi

Consider

He’s familiar with the Trolley Problem, yet Ama explains it anyway…  Still, fortunate for me, who wasn’t... :)

Like this one a lot.  Could do with a little more atmosphere -- perhaps a darker, more sinister touch to the build up, wasn't sure if we were headed towards humour or horror.  

Can’t help but feel the whole reliance on technology makes it all a bit too convenient, still, one of few I’ve read so far, my own included, that nails the parameters and has that low budget potential.  I like the misdirect with the Trolley Problem -- thought I knew where you were going with this only for a complete 180 wherein the Trolley Problem still formed the underlying motive for Ama’s decision to kill Garry but for very different reasons.

One worth coming back to.  Top of the list for me.

Very positive. I found it impressive how you were able to raise some "different" emotions. The constant irony made me smile, the theme "control" and "transparency" felt just real, sad somehow, and the damn voice repeating "deception indicated", I guess I'd hate that thing saying that again and again. It's exactly what you should do. And you did in several areas.

Only personal taste thing, nitpicky, but I tell you: I dislike name calling of people who are not in the script, on screen. It's most time avoidable. To me that's no direct storytelling, more a … okay Sarah there with Rubin and that other thing. I want to be with the story and there must be a damn good reason to push me into an imagination about characters, somewhere, not here, who got actual names. Not too much power to off screen. It's indirect if not boring. If using names that way, there must be a big, big reason. You know, I remember the names, I kept them in mind, what was my payoff, where did they reappear - no, they were unnecessary called. Same with addresses and phone numbers, most times. It's blank information.

Other than that, the script is a complete success. Funny and smart.

I immediately thought if this is doable; with a green screen and a nice set design in the car, why not?

I thought it was okay.  Not great.  I knew how it was gonna end based on your logline.  I'd say it was too much "on the nose" for loglines (like Snakes on a Plane, or Chopping Mall's "Where shopping here could cost you an arm and a leg") because the way you have it set up is either sex, or death...

Like others have said, what gives AMA the right to murder someone?  Perhaps if she was to weigh what his wife had done compared to him, then I'd understand it, but, no such comparison was made.  

Oh, you never actually have him getting in the cab, just thought I'd point that out.

That said, it was still a good story, one of the best I've read so far, but, it could have been so much more.  Fix it up, don't worry about the page count, and you have a nice doable story for someone to film.

7.5/10

Dan

(SPOILER)

Hey writer,

Just when you thought you'd got through all the themes possible, then...KILLER TAXI!!

It was original, well paced and well written. I thought I'd got my choices down already but you're a consider.

Well done

That logline is a mess, but I’ll let you in on a little secret… I’m not a perspective buyer.  I don’t care about the logline.  I’m gonna read this anyway.  Still, the logline is a bit of a mess, and that’s something to keep in mind.

this is a nitpick I shouldn’t even be making, and I’m just venting here… I use numbers in my scripts.  I write the number out.  People always tell me it’s wrong, it’s not professional (I’ve seen plenty of pro scripts with numbers btw) but just reading this dialogue “Just take me to three ten Ivory Court in Woodside” looks off to me.   Would 310 have really killed this script?  … I apologize for that.  I just get tired of little “rules” like this, and I think it worked against you for following it.  Again, apologies.  So far, I’m on board with the story.

I like the idea, but I just feel like a company like this would try their damndest NOT to talk about the things AMA is talking about.  “Are you comfortable?  BTW, if we were ever in a moral situation and somehow had to die…” I do like the setup though. I imagine Garry is kicking the bucket by page 9.

Another writer?  Jeez, everyone makes their character a novelist or a screenwriter.  In fact, I just read another short with a novelist in an automated A.I. taxi.  As someone who pretends he’s a writer, I have to say, writers aren’t that interesting.

Ok, I was a little bored, but as soon as AMA started asking him why he was going to that location it got really good.  I enjoyed it a lot.  This reads like typical A.I. future sci fi fan fic, but I still really liked the way it all played out.  I feel some might say the way it ends is kinda anticlimactic, but I dig the way AMA just dumped him and went about its day like it meant nothing.  Very cold.  Very robotic.  

If I had to say anything, there isn’t much to look at in here.  A couple of lines about the world outside zipping by or something.  Maybe they stop somewhere better than an empty lot?  Just a couple visuals would have helped, but that’s a nitpick.

Also, don’t let anyone tell you this doesn’t fit the low budget parameters, b/c I’m sure this could easily be done low budget with a few camera tricks.

This ended up being the best one I’ve read thus far.

Actually my first thought was, "A.M.A. American Medical Association?" Threw me off for a second.

Well written. Reads smoothly. I have a moral problem with AMA being Judge, Jury and Executioner but that's just my thing.

Not sure how AMA manages to kick his dead body out of the car but I'm not gonna get all wrapped up in that.

Very good job.

I didn't buy into the premise of a taxi being programmed as a moral compass for passengers, especially to the point of killing them. It was unclear if this was a deliberate and state sanctioned part of the design, or an accidental 'feature' so it may help if you elaborate a bit more on this aspect.

I should point out that I read a similar short story on the Create50 website for the Singularity competition. It's called, 'Minimising Loss, Maximising Gain' about an automatic car AI that utilities the Trolley Problem, so I may be suffering with a bit of familiarity as I read this. Not saying you are copying, the chances of that are very low, it may be this is a very obvious angle to explore for automatic vehicles.  

All that aside, it was well written and easy to follow. You can cut costs by not having the car too sci-fi. Uber are experimenting with driverless cars right now, so you don't need to go too far into the future.

Also, he was trapped in a taxi so it met the criteria. Well done for entering!

-Mark    

For me it's the one of my favorites as a whole. Luckily there were some recent comments in the forum that got me to read this one since the title and logline did nothing to make me 'want' to read it. A few typos (big deal, it's a OWC) and logistical issues. Overall great job.

Great idea, execution, all that stuff. Something to consider... I wonder if it'd be possible to bring out a little of Garry's sinister side early on. Perhaps he gets a tiny hint of perverse joy out of the Trolley Problem. Maybe just a smile when she's describing the pedestrian scenario. Or he asks whether AMA's ever had to make the choice and actually killed a pedestrian (and sits up in his seat real attentive waiting for the answer). It might even explain better why he keeps asking about the scenario... a little obsession with the macabre he can't resist. Just a thought.

This might be a recommend, for now CONSIDER.

Very entertaining, thought it was KITT from Knight rider... smarts car that knows everything.

The writing was very good and the pacing kept up throughout... strange how the corpse fell out of the car while still... maybe she should have done a donut and then flung him out lol

Great job on entering

This is one of my favorites. I liked the way that the story progressed, and I found it very interesting. Good job.

AMA. Not bad. Several small points. If the title is A.M.A. the character should be introduced as A.M.A. Garry weeps a bit early/easily. Moral Agent  is an unlikely moniker. Other than those nits, this was pretty good. I wonder how a police version of A.M.A. would handle a similar situation?

Congrats on the win, was a really great script.

Yep. Congratulations. Very nice script.

Eric,
    Very nice job.  This was one of my fav stories too.  I had 3 at the top.  It was a solid story  and it kept me guessing.  

I hope you rewrite it and make it perfect.  It's a solid story.  I'd like to see you have the car rationalize that killing him is worth it somehow.  Other then that, really good effort.

Dan

Eric, I have emailed you using the address provided but it keeps saying it been delayed. I'm not sure if the problem is at my end or yours so I'm not sure if you have received my email or not.

Please could you contact me at peter.mcmullan@nrc.ac.uk about getting permission to adapt and use this script in a short film?

Thanks

Peter McMullan