Go Home by ZhongHua Xue "Alex" - Action, Adventure - A young pilot on a way back to his homeland, along this way, he finds friendship, love, and most of all: courage to conger his nightmare. 81 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi, every one. This is my work. As you may know, I'm a heavy fan of a "top gun1986". For a "very" long time, I think there should be a pilot/aircraft movie with a decent story. That's the original of this story. I like "gladiator2000" so you may see how these two great movies inspire me to creat "Go home". I hope you can like it.
Thank you.

For the tag line, this is terrible, I wrote it in midnight before I went bed. So... This is a better one:
A young mechanic who works in a bunch of broken planes dreams for flying a real military plane. As the war between the two super country starts again, he gets a chance to make his dream come true. Fly his plane back to his homeland, find everything he has left behind. We will see large scale air battle and ordinary people during a island conflict, human relationship versus weapon, war and politics, honor and sacrifice, love and death. A young man faces his worst nightmare.

Hey Alex.

So the translation into English is a bit rough as is evident by your logline.  Aside from the technical mistakes, the logline is somewhat bland and generic, not really hinting at what separates your script from many others of which this logline could describe.

The "we see" and "we hear" is redundant as we can see and hear everything you describe in the action blocks.  The camera directions such as "from left of screen" and descriptions of that nature distract the reader from the story.  These descriptions are best left for the actual shooting script rather than the story you're writing.

While we're speaking about technical issues, try to keep your action blocks to around four lines.  Seems a bit arbitrary but it's accepted by the screenplay world as a standard.  It looks a bit more manageable and easier on the eyes.

The first page can tell us a ton about what we're in for in terms of writing and pace.  On this first page we've got a man with a model plane eating a sandwich in a boneyard.  Now there could be potential in this and with your knowledge of aircraft, you could write an interesting story but right now it's weighed down by unnecessary detail.  First page of a script is prime real estate so it behooves you to cram as much of the story as you can to hook the reader and get them turning that page.

MOMENTS LATER should be CONTINUOUS in your slug line assuming of course that it happens immediately after the scene before it.

That's what I got for now.  Good luck with it.

-Johnny

A young pilot, on the way back to his homeland, finds friendship, love, and most of all: The courage to conquer his nightmare.


That's a more correct version of your log-line in English.

To make it a bit more exciting, you might want to tell us a little more about the nightmare and how it threatens his present or future.

Thank you "Johnny" and "Scar Tissue Films" for both your good advices. Especially for Johnny, thank you.
About the first page, actually I have changed it for two times, I still can't get interesting enough without ruin the story, I don't like a fancy start make everything like a comedy or drama, I want this story to be serious and low profile as much as possible. So that's why it looks boring at beginning.

This is my first screenplay, I will continue to improve it. Thank you all guys.