On The Sidewalk (was One Night) by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A homeless woman falls for a destitute man sleeping on a New York City sidewalk. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

There are a lot of things technically wrong with this script, problem is I wouldn’t want you to change your writing in any way.

For what they are, I find your scripts thoroughly entertaining.

For anyone who doesn’t know who Tommy Wiseau is, or his movie The Room, check it out then come back and read Fausto’s scripts. It’s a new level of appreciation

Warren,
thank you very much for reading my script. Yes, you're right, this is the way I see the world...reality is more fantastic  than fantasy...at least in NYC.
My best,
Fausto

Fausto,

Not really leaving anything to chance here. You're just spelling it all out through your dialogue, of which there is too much of, and spoon feeding us everything about Leo. To a stranger, no less. It feels awkward with all that dialogue. I think you need to give us a more subtle picture of who this Leo is without doing that, while trying to capture a sense of place. The ending felt abrupt. Kinda reminds me of the old story about the snake leap frogging a ride across a river on a beaver and then killing him because, well, he's a goddamn snake!

Just my opinion, but I'd say find a way to drastically cut the dialogue. You can do that and still tell us what we need to know. Also, Jo feels a little out of place here. Again, she tells us through dialogue. But there's no action for us to SEE to suggest she has her issues too. Would love to see this more visual.

Steve

Steve, thank you for your review and comments. The idea of having an extended dialogue is to give Leo the chance to expose his demons. He was bipolar psychotic and the abrupt ending was the result of his illness (without pills). Jo, was indeed more mellow, maybe romantic and in need of a human contact. I'll try to modify the dialogue and introduce more action. The script should be read imagining the world of two homeless people in a sidewalk in NYC.
Thanks again.
Fausto

Fausto,

Some notes.  

I'm well aware that you like to give your characters space and time to develop themselves.  This piece is true to form.  Although you give us a straight line to the ending, I wish you had decided on a crooked route or even a reversal.  

Also, I think you might consider more setup for the ending.  Give him or her a weapon.  Maybe a blood stain.  Something.  Build the suspense a bit.  

Best
Richard

Richard,
thank you very much for your smart analysis. You're right, I've tried, after building up the story, to give a quick, shocking ending. I will revise the script to build up the ending as well. Maybe something like Fatal Attraction's ending.
Thanks again.
Fausto

Fausto,

My 2 cents.

In any story, you have a very limited number of pages to form a contract with the audience.  In a short, you have a minute or two.  In that minute, you tell the audience what sort of story you're going to tell.  Could be romance or thriller or mystery or superhero, anything.  The audience knows how the story should unfold.  Boy gets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl finally.  They understand, and they expect you to deliver the story you promised in the opening.  Go off the reservation and they don't like it.  They've heard stories since they were babies, so they know.  So, how do you keep them interested when they know what's coming?

That's the province of the skilled storyteller.  That guy delivers the expected ending in an unexpected way.  Boy gets girl, but it's not exactly how the audience thought it would happen, or he gets a girl who, well, you know the answer.  The audience wants to know that the contract formed in the beginning holds, and yet, they want to be thoroughly surprised at how that's done.

That is what makes storytelling so hard.  How do you hold up your end of the bargain and yet make them cry or laugh or jump out of their seats?

Best
Richard

EXCELLENT EXPLANATION! Thank you veru much Richard...I'm starting to modify my script.
A deeply appreciate your input.
My best,
Fausto

So I think I read one of your scripts before. And in that thread, I believe that your writing was compared to The Room as well. If I may, having your writing compared to The Room (which is actually quite accurate) isn't a good thing. Tommy Wiseau is a genius but that's because he's so bad, he's good. His dialogue is so expository that it's comical. The Room is one of my all time favorite movies, but you shouldn't aspire to be like Tommy Wiseau. In fact, it's impossible because Tommy thinks he's actually writing a great movie. If you tried to write something so bad that it's good (aka a cult film), then you're going to come up short. This is why Sharknado fails on so many levels.

Anyways, onto this script. The dialogue is way too on the nose. Furthermore, there's way too much dialogue without any narrative. What are these two characters doing while they talk? That will help break up the huge chunks of dialogue.

Here's the simplest way I can put it. Let's say your protag walks outside and it's raining. The protag shouldn't say, "It's raining" because the audience already know this. Plus no one actually talks like this. Instead, the protag would say something like, "I really need to buy an umbrella."

Finally, try not to get discouraged. We all start somewhere. For now, try to break up your dialogue and mask your character's identity/backstory.

AlbinoPinguin, thank you very much for your valuable suggestions. I will restructure the script following all the suggestions I have received so far. Soon or later, I hope, I'll find the correct formula (more description, more natural dialogue etc.) I saw The Room and sincerely, even though I recognize that the movie has a cult following, I personally think that it's ridiculous, to say the least. If my abilities of writing a short are limited to a facsimile of The Room....well, I'll stop writing completely....even birthday cards....lol.
Thanks again and have a nice weekend.
Fausto

Never stop writing.

I will stop comparing your scripts to The Room, even though I love it for what it is.

I will only comment on story, structure, formatting and so on.

So if I am going to be completely honest, this is a mess.

The dialogue is so on the nose. The characters literally say everything they think. It leaves absolutely no room for subtext. Who really talks like this anyway?

I'm not sure I understand what mental illness you are trying to portray. If it is PTSD, because he is a soldier, you have missed the mark. I think when dealing with something like that you need to do more research so it comes off more believable.

The ending was so random and abrupt that it was like two completely different stories got smashed togeather.

It really does need a lot of work.

I think you will benefit from reading more pro scripts.

People can learn to be better writers, just takes commitment and practice.

Good luck.

Warren, you can't even imagine how much I appreciate your comments. I will work harder to learn what there is to learn about writing a decent script. Thanks again.
Fausto

Fausto's work will be produced.  The script will come down soon, so read it while you can.

Don

Much congrats

Congrats, looking forward to seeing this.

Kudos.

Let us know when it's available.

Best
Richard

Kudos.

Let us know when it's available.

Best
Richard

Hi, Fausto.

Congrats, I'm interested to know. Is it this version that will be produced or were changes made?

Good job, Fausto!!