Fucky Luckers by Ron Houghton - Short, Drama - A twenties slacker ropes in an old friend, to help him steal a fortune.  14 pages - pdf, format 8)

I enjoyed this.

SPOILERS:

I thought I had it all figured out, Gary was going to rip Freddie off, case closed.

Great twist, really didn’t see it coming.

A few things:

You need a comma when addressing someone directly in dialogue. You have missed them throughout.

I used to have the dialogue CONT'S turned on, by default, as well. Makes the script a lot better to read if you can figure out how to turn them off on your software. They really aren’t needed.

Other than that, all good.

Thanks for the read Warren. I'll fix those damn pesky commas.

Hey Ron,

Returning your read cuz that's how we roll around here! :)

This is a pretty clean read! Didn't spot any typos, except for what Warren mentioned, and even then I really didn't notice. I was wrapped up in the story. This had a nice, quick pace to it and, for a 14 pager, it zipped by. Good writing, some nice descriptions. I especially liked the neon sign over the bar "struggling to stay alive." That fit in so well with our hero.

I loved how Gary died. Nice one. Was wondering how this would end. It was satisfying enough, and brought a smile to my face. And you kept me turning pages, which is good. It never over stayed it's welcome. Good job here. I can see this being filmed.

Steve

This was a fun, easy read. Real nice job. Only one suggestion. I'd get rid of the scenes with him looking through the yearbook and "accidentally" bumping into Gary at the grocery. You can probably just go straight to the dinner and when Gary walks in he says something like "Can't believe it, I was just thinking what ol' Freddie'd been up to since high school. Suddenly there you are on the phone."

Okay, fine, one more suggestion... maybe you could add a scene after the first time Mary walks in to tell Freddie about the new lotto winner. Then Freddie starts buying all kinds of stuff and making down payments assuming he'll be rich in a couple months... then the last scene arrives and he ends up even more screwed over.

Ron,

Unique title that makes attentive.

On first sight, the bottom margins look incorrect. Other than that, I merely found a few typos format-wise, nothing of concern...
     
At p7/8 you make a worthwhile switch to a deeper characterization I didn't expect at that point. After the first few pages, I thought it could walk a pretty generic route with some thriller elements later, and I had my doubts if the page count is justified but then I realized soon you definitely made it your own version of the lottery plot.

The characters are believable. I like Rose miming Gary's fall into the volcano f.i..
Haha, and her dialogue after that is so dry and situational funny…

Hmm: I like it in general. I think it works with charm; at least that is how it worked for me; visiting the town and spending some time with its unique local inhabitants. It's an authentic, quirky microcosm. I think you even can elaborate that style in some ways. It reads to me, as if once shot, a lot comes to the director and actors. There's just a fine line delivering the charming tone of the play and its exact community's characteristics, which shouldn't be missed. Good job.

Started the read because if the interesting title (good one).

Turns out I am working on a feature that has a similar premise - but it is a murder mystery set in gang-ridden East Los Angeles. Was just odd that in taking a break from working on that I came across this.

Anyway...

Nice job for the most part - solid writing and a good story. I have just a few nits.

Quoted Text A small neighborhood 24 hour gas/convenience store. All four pumps are currently vacant. It’s early, way too early, for FREDDIE WINSLOP (24). His rusted out beater pulls into the farthest parking stall. Freddie stumbles out, nearly trips on his untied shoelaces.

I got exactly what wanted me to see - but you did kind of cross scenes (i.e., Freddy in the car and then out of the car with no change in scene heading. I would suggest you make one slight change. i.e.,

A small neighborhood 24 hour gas/convenience store. All four
pumps are currently vacant.  A rusted out beater pulls into the
farthest parking stall.

FREDDIE WINSLOP (24). stumbles out of the car, tripping on his untied shoelaces. It’s early, way too early

Quoted Text ROSE (CONT’D) You feeling okay Freddie?

Need a comma before Freddy.

Quoted Text GARY GUILFOYLE (26),

This makes him two years older than Freddy (24) - yet they shared so many common experiences. Did you really want them two grades apart?

Good job on this one

Some notes.

I liked this one.  It worked on many levels.  I liked that the guy paid for his sin, although not directly.  I would like it if he found a way to leverage his old friend so there was no way to get cheated, but that's me.

Best
Richard

Hey, Ron

Well your title is awesome, that's what made me read this lol

Nice clean writing, i didn't notice any mistakes.

As for the story, well I wasn't sure where this was going which is always a good thing.  When Freddie and Gary talk about old times, I thought it was a bit cliched but then realised that's probably how a conversation would go if I bumped into an old friend.

I really did think the twist would involve a bit of back stabbing, but who?  Your ending was much better.

Really good, well done.